When you're an action figure aficionado like I am, you run into some insane toys from childhood through adulthood. Whether they are made from small indie companies, are officially licensed products, or just giant plastic statues emulated from big-money franchises, there is an art to the action figure. Then there are some figures that would make dinosaurs say, "Wait, so my remains were altered and formed to create THIS?" That is if dinosaurs talked and spoke English, but I digress.

Still, bonkers things happen in the name of collecting little kids' birthday cash, which is how these ridiculous action figures ended up gracing store shelves ...

The Slab Of Meat From Rocky

Jakks Pacific

Remember this scene in Rocky? Well, now you can recreate it! Or play as The Meat and beat up Rocky and Apollo to be the first dead carcass to ever win a world heavyweight boxing championship! Or just have an absurd hunk of plastic with a bloody doll coat. Your call!

Curly How– I mean, Lex Luthor (Three Stoog– I mean, DC Comics Superheroes)

Toy Biz

BEHOLD! Superman's greatest nemesis: A plum-suited man that punches himself in the forehead! Or knocks on doors with a dopey grin! It's hard to tell if this figure is actually Lex Luthor or the Kingpin after a few months of keto.

Air Hammer (Transformers: Beast Wars)

TFWiki.net

The overall problem with the Fuzors line of Transformers figures is that it's a hat on a hat. A robot that turns into not just one but two animals at the same time? I thought the purpose of Autobots transforming was to disguise within the environment. There aren't any hammerhead hawk sharks in nature.. But what if there were? You know what, this shouldn't be on the list.

Punisher (Marvel: Shape Shifters)

Toy Biz

How how how how how how how how how how how how how did this not get flagged at the concept art stage? Truly idiotic and wrong! Everyone knows that The Punisher's gloves, boots, and skull logo are WHITE, not SILVER! Hope the dope who came up with this figure got fired.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry (G.I. Joe)

This action figure has the gap-toothed NFL defensive tackle fight Cobra with a … football morningstar? Not sure how football helps take down a clandestine military organization, but whatever. The only way this can be more 1980s is if this William Perry G.I. Joe teamed up with a Larry Bird Silverhawk, a Roger Clemens-At-Arms Masters of the Universe figure, and a Bo Jackson Transformer that changes from a football running back into a baseball outfielder.

The Joker (DC Artist's Alley)

DC Collectibles

I know that action figures can be made into art projects but take away the Robin puppet and the makeup… How is this The Joker? I mean, it's cool, maybe don't charge $65.00 for a Joker that's not The Joker but a three-armed roller skating C.H.U.D. pinhead "Joker." Then again, if this figure sells, I can sell DC Direct a pile of mashed peas with a Van Dyke beard and call it "Artist Alley Green Arrow."

Dorothy of Oz (McFarlane's Monsters)

McFarlane Toys

"I can't masturbate to The Wizard of Oz! Fix that!" said someone, I guess? Then McFarlane said, "Sure thing, creep!" Not gonna kink shame, but for some reason, I doubt the two BDSM munchkins got Dorothy's consent for this. I also won't judge you if you own this action figure, but I will have SEVERAL presumptions about you that are probably right.

Aunt May (Marvel: Famous Covers)

Toy Biz

Yes, you can have your own Aunt May action figure to care for your Peter Parker action figure while it hides its secret identity as your Spider-Man action figure. It's the classic Aunt May with her trademark gorilla-length arms and hands for extended clapping action. Perfect for your Spider-Man playtime or if you want to imagine Walton Goggins as Mrs. Doubtfire.

Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWF Maximum Sweat)

Jakks Pacific

Some toy executive thought that the biggest appeal of pro wrestling to kids is the salty, watery, soaky sweat that drips from the pores of their favorite grappler. He (and we all know it had to be a he) looked at Stone Cold Steve Austin and essentially said this. There are several wrestlers in this toy line, but aside from having a bleach bottle full of "Official Federation Sweat," this Austin figure stands out because it has the sunken eyes and braying mouth of an insomniac in mid-transformation into the roidiest goat alive.

The Shockmaster (WWE Elite)

Mattel

If you're a wrestling fan, you probably know this in-joke for The Shockmaster's debut. While this packaging idea is creative, few people seem to forget that even if The Shockmaster didn't do a career-killing pratfall …

Batman and Ax Rhino (Batman: Unlimited)

Mattel

"Batman's not cool enough. Do you know what's cool? A tiny rhino robot with a removable horn that doubles as a handaxe weapon," said someone. And that someone was right and deserves more money than Bruce Wayne.

Slalom Racer Batman (The New Batman Adventures)

Kenner

In case the color scheme blinded you, this figure has a rocket backpack because otherwise, it'd be a Batman that features your Norwegian great-aunt's favorite Olympic sport. 

Soak N' Toss Spider-Man

Toy Biz

First, it's odd that Spidey is in an outfit that's a mash-up of his classic suit, a Fantastic Four uniform, and random shades of blue and green tossed in for good measure. The accessories are meant for players to soak the foam balls in water and use the backpack to fling them jai alai style at other figures and maybe people, I guess? Plus, "Soak and toss, Spider-Man" sounds pornographic.

Optimus NIKE (Transformers)

I guess if you're a sneakerhead, this is cool, but from a toy perspective, it's odd for the leader of the Autobots to transform into a size 7 Nike that can't even be worn without serious injury to the plantar fascia. Plus, one step into this shoe breaks $180 worth of plastic.

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