Within a few years, The Da Vinci Code series sold millions of books, made over a billion dollars at the box office, and promptly dropped off the cultural radar, never to be mentioned again by anyone on the entire internet until this very article (seriously, go check). Still, those accomplishments are pretty impressive when you consider that the most successful entry in the franchise revolves around an idea possibly cribbed from that gloriously dumb movie where Ben Affleck and Matt Damon play dong-less angels trying to destroy the universe. 

Right at the start of The Da Vinci Code's trailer, Ian McKellen dramatically talks about "a secret so powerful that if revealed could devastate the very foundations of mankind."

If you've never read the book or watched the movie, allow us to devastate the very foundations of mankind by telling you the secret: Jesus had kids with Mary Magdalene, and the movie's principal female character is his last living descendant. The Catholic Church has been trying to hide this information for almost 2000 years, and some of them will do anything to make sure it stays secret -- including killing Tom Hanks. Damn, guys, even deadly viruses will draw the line at that.

In that case, the Church in this universe must have freaked the hell out when Kevin Smith's Dogma came out in 1999 since it includes almost the same plot twist: the female protagonist finds out she's the last living member of Jesus' family. According to Chris Rock's character, the apostle Rufus, she's the great great great great great great great great great great grand-niece of Christ.

While Dogma never explicitly says Jesus and Mary Magdalene had sex, it does sort of imply there was something going on there when Rufus says she "had a thing for dark meat" (oh, yeah, this movie also reveals Jesus was Black). Like in The Da Vinci Code, there's a vast religious conspiracy to hide the truth about his family. Again, please imagine the Vatican holding an emergency meeting to catch the Pope up on the plot of a movie that also involves the heroes being attacked by a demon made of poop.

It's a matter of public record that The Da Vinci Code borrows heavily from other sources, so it's not that hard to imagine author Dan Brown watching Dogma in 1999 and going, "Hey, that part about Jesus sounds like a great idea for a terrible book that makes tons of money." The novel came out in 2003, so that's more than enough time for Brown to figure out how to isolate that revelation from other essential parts of the plot, like Jay and Silent Bob's shenanigans or the poop demon scene (been a while since we watched Da Vinci Code but we're pretty sure that's not there too). 

If this made you feel like watching or re-watching Dogma, you can currently do it at ... nowhere (legally, anyway). Kevin Smith says that it's because Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally own the rights to the movie, and renewing the licensing deals for it just isn't at the top of their minds right now, for whatever reason. Clearly, this is all just part of a plan by the real Catholic Church to suppress the important information contained within the film. Please hold on to that Dogma DVD if you own one; one day it might be as rare and historically important as an original copy of the Bible.

Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com. 

Top image: Sony Pictures Releasing, Lions Gate Films 

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