Amazon Workers Voted To Unionize, So They're Probably Drone Targets
Unionization is an extremely powerful tool for workers. It gives them leverage and agency. These are the two absolute worst things for workers to have, from the perspective of upper management. This is doubly true for tech companies like Amazon or Uber, where it seems a lot of the time that the answer to “how do they do it?” is by using legal loopholes and gray areas to pay people as little as humanly possible.
So it’s encouraging, and honestly a little surprising, to hear the news that a Staten Island Amazon distribution center successfully voted to unionize this week. It marks the first successful unionization effort of Amazon employees ever, making it hopefully a turning point in the modern labor movement. The example has been set that this is possible to do, and other distribution centers, and workforces under different companies could see it as inspiration.
This is exactly why they’re probably going to get killed by drones. Amazon isn’t going to just let this happen. To let a group of bottle pissing box stuffers endanger the predatory business model they rely on? Not a chance. They were probably hoping they’d just have fully robotic warehouses by the time people realized how awful their jobs were. Robots never have to pee, and therefore they are the future of labor.
So I assume the news of the union vote was delivered to Jeff Bezos in a sealed, ominous black envelope. When he read it he probably got so mad he killed a henchman. Then, forehead vein throbbing on his bald pate, he ordered them to release the kill drones, which are regular delivery drones but they’re programmed to drop a bowling ball on people.
So to the Amazon workers of Staten Island, I say, congratulations! And be careful. Be wary of any shadows on the ground behind you, or any faint whirring. Make sure you’re always near some sort of covered enclosure that would be able to prevent a bowling ball being dropped on you by a Bezos kill drone. Though I guess they could also just wait for them to be grievously injured in their dangerous fulfillment warehouses.