Have Elmo and Oscar the Grouch finally been castrated? No, it’s just the new special edition Xbox controllers to celebrate the release of “Sonic the Hedgehog 2”. Why are the worst things in life always Sonic related? If it’s not horrid, horrid fan-made hentai, then it’s the creepiest movie adaptation that almost was (but then they saved it through crunch). And even though most folks think the movie turned out to be pretty good, and that the second one will be even better, that’s no excuse for the new abomination Xbox is giving away to fans.

Paramount Pictures/Sega

Absolutely Not.

Xbox announced that they’ll be giving away a customized Sonic Xbox Series S (which actually looks very nice) and customized Xbox controllers which are covered in Sonic blue fur and Knuckles red fur (which are objectively disgusting). Why?! Why has a supposedly loving god allowed their children to be exposed to such a horror? It’s because god is dead, folks. It’s because god is dead. Even more dead than when they came out with Xbox scented Axe.

If you thought Cheeto dust was a problem on regular console controllers, you will never get the orange stains out of these nasty bois. And you’ll never get the stain of these ugly controllers out of your mind. But if you’re a real freaky deek, you can enter to win the controllers and the Xbox until April 30th, 2022. 

Paramount Pictures/Sega

That console looks pretty good though…

The giveaway is part of a promotion to celebrate the release of “Sonic the Hedgehog 2” on April 8th. The silver lining of this promotion is that Xbox is also hyping the Sonic Minecraft DLC which is nice, but not nice enough to make me forget these furry testicle looking controllers. 

But if god is dead, then that just means the angels can finally party, which might explain why Xbox also revealed their gorgeous Spring line of controllers. The reveal of five PowerA Enhanced Wired Controllers, one new colorway for OtterBox Easy Grip Controller Shell, and one tasty pastel pink 8BitDo Ultimate Wired Controller are heavenly. All of the designs feature soft pastels; and the controllers have mappable buttons, satisfying grips, and 3.5mm headset jacks. Yeah that’s some good stuff to get excited about if you’re horny for Xbox.

Microsoft/Xbox

Now THESE are delicious and delightful looking.

I needed to gaze upon these soothing colorways after the screaming red/blue horror of the special edition Sonic controllers. And unlike those furry yuck buckets, you can get your hands on these dreamy, creamy accessories by buying them in a store, instead of competing with the frothing hordes for a prize no one even wants.   

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