Pharaohs Had The Grossest Ritual To Keep The Nile Running

The world began, according to one Egyptian myth, because God decided one day to masturbate.

This god was Atum, whose very name means "to finish." Atum created himself, and then he masturbated to create his two children Shu and Tefnut and masturbated some more to create everyone and everything else. Other forms of the myth say that he spat to set creation in order, or sneezed. These were all ways of issuing forth offspring without having sex, since Atum had no one to have sex with, and masturbating appeared to make the most sense out of all the possible bodily functions. Semen keeps the life cycle going—it didn't take humans very long to figure that out.

During more modern times (say, 4000 BC), no gods appeared to be wandering around keeping creation in motion. In Egypt, the pharaoh was now considered the god on earth, and so it fell on him to keep things flowing. He did this the same way Atum originally did: by masturbating.

Every year in the last month of summer, during the Min festival that celebrated the pharaoh's rule, the pharaoh would approach the Nile in a public ceremony. He'd take off his robe and masturbate, aiming so that he ejaculated into the river. Through this process, he ritually ensured that the Nile would continue to flow for the next year.

Accompanying him was a large retinue of men who'd masturbate into the river at the same time. It's unclear if their actions also contributed to the ecological balance, but it was important that they join in the ritual, otherwise the pharaoh might feel awkward, performing all by himself while everyone watched.

Besides being mystically responsible for the flow of life, the Nile was the source of most Egyptian agriculture. It made sense that Egyptians cared a lot about maintaining it. In some ways, their tradition lives on. Even today, when you get a group of environmentalists together, the conversation often gives way to a bit of a circlejerk.

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