Today, Kim Kardashian, reclusive billionaire, issued a pearl of wisdom for women, and more widely, anyone looking to be successful. In an interview, she advised hopeful billionaires-to-be to “Get your f**king ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.”

I am happy to report that today, as a result, I have taken my first steps towards being successful in business. The thanks for my first step on this journey lie squarely in the hands of Kim Kardashian. I am indebted to you, Kim, for finally giving it to me straight. Finally saying exactly what I needed to hear. That it’s time to get off my ass and ask my parents for money.

No one likes to be told that they’re lazy. Especially by people who grew up in a mansion and could probably finance a small business from a year of their teenage allowance. This is natural. However, this bullheaded stubbornness and reactionary behavior is just one of the many things distracting you from getting down to business, and drafting a PowerPoint to show to your parents so that they will give you a lot of money.

 

A mansion

Pixabay

Growing up here was hard, because sometimes I'd get lost in the hedge maze.

 

Later this week, my parents are going to a $10,000 a plate fundraiser for saving some sort of small frog that lives in Madagascar. They’ll be seated at a table with incredibly powerful people that only return emails from their spouse and 4 friends. Now, I was planning on not going, because I was probably going to be tired. But now, my eyes blasted open by this sage advice, I have decided to ask my father to bring me there and introduce me to Jeff Bezos.

Before, I was a burned out husk, lacking ambition, not utilizing the business degree I had from the college that every member of my family has attended going back to our great great great great great great great grandfather: the man who killed Squanto and took over America’s corn industry. But now, vigor courses through my veins. I’m changing my ways. Tomorrow, I’m going to wake up at the crack of dawn, work out with my family’s personal trainer, and then ask my parents for an amount of money that could house a man for 2 years.

 

Text asking father for a lot of money
It feels good to take control of my own fate.

 

Now, I do understand that success in business is not guaranteed. Most small businesses fail. Regardless of my easy access to resources and freedom from the debt that shackles the vast majority of the population, without a solid business plan, my business will fail. If it does, I will have to face the consequences: I will have to ask my parents for money again. But asking your parents for money more than once is part of the grind. And as of today, hustle is life.

But here is where I have to end this article, because time writing this is time that I can’t be hard at work. Also, Peter Thiel is coming over to see our new pool. He has known me since I was 7 years old and I am going to ask him for an internship that pays $140,000 a year, none of which will be used on rent.

Top Image: Wikipedia

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