The new bonkers theory being spread by people who also think a guy who struggles to type social media posts in his own language is somehow the second coming of Christ goes something like this: Keith Richards is actually JFK Jr. in disguise, Michael Jackson is alive and well and pretending to be Mick Jagger, and “Gimme Shelter” is the secret call to action of the global Elitinati. Okay, we made that last part up about the song, but let’s totally call it the Elitinati from now on. Maybe get Lil Nas X to roll out a tune about it.

Anyway, the whole “those guys from the Rolling Stones are actually dead-not-dead people” theory stems from a QAnon prediction that used some mental gymnastics in the form of numerology to allege that JFK Jr. — who folks mainlining conspiracy theories think is very much alive — would show up at the Dealey Plaza in Dallas on November 2, 2021. 

Of course, JFK Jr. didn't show up because he's very much dead, so the QAnon folk did what all people who think they can make prophecies do when it turns out they’re wrong: Totally make up a new theory. 

See, on that very same night, the Rolling Stones were doing a concert in Dallas that some of these “JFK Jr. Truthers” attended. Following the disappointment of Junior not materializing in Dealey Plaza because someone spilled a drop of coffee over the 8 on their sudoku pad, many of them flocked to their echo chamber over on Telegram and, instead of just saying, “Ah, shucks, maybe next time,” insisted that they actually might have seen him without knowing it because QAnon sure enjoys seeing how many conspiracy theories they can tie together in their macramé of BS.

Oh, and there actually was a song mentioned as proof of all this, for “Sympathy for the Devil” coincidentally features the following lyrics: “I shouted out, who killed the Kennedys?/ When after all, it was you and me.” Damning evidence inde- wait, what?

QAnon’s obsession around JFK Jr. has to do with the fact that some of them believe he may be Q himself, and many of them think that he’s somehow going to run for VP alongside their twice-impeached former disgrace of both a man and a president Donald Trump in the 2024 election. According to them, Junior has been in hiding all this time because the Clintons orchestrated his plane crash, and … oh wait, we actually know his secret identity and location! Apparently, he’s a random financial services manager from Pittsburgh

That poor guy with his very tiny fedora.

Zanandi is on Twitter.

Top Image: Georges Biard/Wikimedia Commons, Constru-centro/Wikimedia Commons

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