Marvel might have the live-action superhero movie market more locked down than the mythical Disney Porn Vault, but when it comes to animation, DC rules supreme with their DC Universe Animated Original Movies. Justice League Dark was a phenomenal paranormal whodunnit with one of the best portrayals of Batman ever. Under the Red Hood WAS the best portrayal of Batman ever. All-Star Superman was heartfelt and touching. Assault on Arkham cured childhood diabetes. Justice Society: World War II brought my dog back to life. Wonder Woman: Bloodlines lowered global CO2 levels.

If it sounds like I’m slightly overselling these movies, it’s because I really don’t want you to give up on the franchise if you accidentally started with Batman: Soul of the Dragon. Released back in January, it’s probably the weakest out of all the animated DC films for reasons other than the Bat-sideburns, believe it or not.

Warner Bros. Home Entertainment

“I tried to have Alfred shape them into bat logos, but he refused.”

The film, set in an alternative universe in the ‘70s, is really all about Richard Dragon, one of the best martial artists in the DC universe, a fact Soul of the Dragon takes almost no advantage of. Making Batman a side(burn) character in his own movie is a weird enough choice, but it could work if Richard was given interesting things to do, but that’s not the case. It’s also not the point, though, because what we should be talking about instead is Schlangenfaust.

In the movie, he’s the top henchman for the snake-themed Kobra cult, which, you know, makes sense since his name is German for “snake fist.” Soul of the Dragon generally has a vibe of a ‘70s/’80s martial arts flick, so a guy who uses, what, some snake-inspired kung-fu style would totally fit right in, and his name is literal, right? It’s goddamn literal, isn’t it? He literally has snakes for fists, right?

Warner Bros. Home Entertainment

Oh, but we’re just getting started. See, Schlangenfaust isn’t so dangerous because he spent all the time he could be masturbating on practicing his literal poison fist martial art style. If you cut off his arm, it will regenerate, and the amputated body part will turn into a snake-man that does Schlangenfaust’s bidding. Also, his snake fingers can merge into one big giant snake, as snakes in the wild often do.

Warner Bros. Home Entertainment

I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

If that’s enough to convince you to watch Soul of the Dragon, then go for it, but don’t expect much since the movie apparently spent its script-doctor money on acid cut with cobra venom, which from now on will be known as a “Schlangenfaust.”

Follow Cezary on Twitter.

Top Image: Warner Bros.

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