We've Reached The Most Awkward Moment On 'The Bachelorette' Possible
We've reached the most awkward moment in Bachelorette history that ever was or ever will be. Like Loki reaching the end of time, there is no before, and there is no after. There is only the ever-present, infinite cringe of this one singular event permeating throughout the multiverse. Folks, a dude went on The Bachelorette, then had a date with said Bachelorette and, while they were cuddling, whispered into this woman's ear, "You remind me of my mom."
We wish this were some sort of ironic trolling or that he was playing some sort of prank, but sadly, this was 100% sincere, weapons-grade awkwardness. The man in question was Mike P. or "Mike the virgin" as he was known up until this point, back when we thought a nickname couldn't get any worse. But now we know it can get so, so much worse. Start with "Mike the mother-cuddler," and then you can let your imagination go wild from there.
It's also worth noting that this wasn't some isolated incident of cringe or an unfortunate slip of the tongue, like when a sitcom character accidentally says "you reminded me of my mom" when they meant to say, "you remind me of my llama," but they just ate too much hot soup or something. (Still, an admittedly weird thing to say, but obviously much better than the alternative.) No, this date was awkward and mom-filled from top-to-bottom, which is a phrase we never thought we'd have to say and one that feels even ickier given the current context. Here is some of the date below, but warning, you will feel so much second-hand embarrassment that your face might melt off:
So mazel tov to The Bachelorette. Brava! We thought we had seen it all, and then it's like you managed to find a new element on The Periodic Table of Uncomfortable. Our only hope is that this serves as a closing salvo on the "virgin contestant" storyline. Let it be the grand finale, if you will. Because as entertaining as this was, we're not sure we can handle it anymore.
Other takeaways from Week 7:
I think saying the phrase "we can take over the world together" is the new kiss of death on The Bachelorette. Brendan said it to Katie in his final plea for her to keep him on the show, and Ivan said it to Tayshia last season, right before he got the boot as well. It's seemingly a sweet thing to say, but after thinking about this for a while/dusting my face with 12 bags of Hartely's kettle chips, (brain food) I realized why it keeps going so wrong.
Saying you want to "take over the world" with your partner puts the onus of the relationship on what you can achieve together rather than on the relationship itself. It implies you're more into what that person can get you, rather than who that person is themself. And when you're on a show like The Bachelorette, where dating someone can literally lead you to fame and fortune, people are very much on guard about that sort of thing.
Also, you want to "take over the world?" Who are you, Napoleon? This is a dating show, not the battle of Portugal. Maybe settle for taking over a single-family home in the suburbs and call it a day.
Follow Dan on Twitter to learn more about his upcoming projects and find him on his podcast The Bachelor Zone to hear him talk about The Bachelor like it is a sport. (Because it is.)
Top Image: ABC/Hulu