If 'Black Widow' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest
After being delayed, delayed, delayed, and finally partially dumped on Disney+, Black Widow is finally out. We used our TVA-issued TemPad to send The Editing Room to grab the abridged shooting script to the film. Having done so many times for us in the past, they succeeded in their mission just before being eaten by a giant cloud monster. These are Loki references, gosh isn’t Loki great?
INT. MIDDLE-CLASS HOUSE, OHIO - 1995
RACHEL WEISZ and DAVID HARBOUR are normal American parents with two normal American kids: VIOLET MCGRAW, who will become FLORENCE PUGH, and EVER ANDERSON, who will clearly become MILLA JOVOVICH OOPS WE MEAN SCARLETT JOHANSSON. They all laugh and get along and appreciate Nature and science and so obviously are DEEP COVER RUSSIAN AGENTS.
Plus, you can tell I grow up to be Scarlett since I've
already started changing my hair color every 10 minutes.
Hey, everyone. Our cover's blown so we gotta drop everything
and run for our lives right after I finish this beer.
They pile into the family van and drive to a HANGAR, but POLICE and SHIELD show up!
Quick kids, into the plane! Ever, remember your training!
Violet, remember your uselessness, and why are you on this
Go on ahead; I'll hold them off! Don't try to talk me out of
it, this is the only time I kick serious ass in the whole
DAVID heroically GUNS DOWN INNOCENT SHIELD AGENTS while hanging off the WING, and RACHEL takes a bullet--but EVER successfully LIFTS OFF at the last moment! They fly to CUBA, where DAVID hands over CLASSIFIED INFO, brushes off INJURED RACHEL, and gives EVER and VIOLET to RAY WINSTONE'S TRAUMA FACTORY FOR TRAFFICKED YOUNGSTERS.
Y'know while I'm at it, let me also hand over my Father of
the Year mug. Doesn't feel right somehow.
INT. WASHROOM - 21 YEARS LATER
SCARLETT JOHANSSON uses her PHONE to watch WILLIAM HURT conducting a RAID.
Listen up, people! This movie is set between Civil War and
Infinity War, but we want ALL the press to call this an
"origin story" and talk like the whole thing happens in the
'90s, got that?! Now bring me Scarlett; we have junkets to
Sorry, I've suckered you into one of those
Silence of the Lambs door fakeouts and I'm in some faraway
country that we'd normally pretend was somewhere else but
this time it isn't.
But we put a tracker in your belt! How could-
I'm sorry sir, but Scarlett used her elite superhuman spy
skills to... TAKE OFF HER BELT AND LEAVE IT SOMEWHERE. Holy
shit, no wonder she's a SHIELD legend. Where the hell did we
get the idea we could outsmart her.
Meanwhile, in Morocco, GREAT VALUE BLACK WIDOWS FLORENCE PUGH and NANNA BLONDELL are on a mission to get MICHELLE LEE, but are spotted! After a spirited chase, FLORENCE defeats MICHELLE with the DROP-YOUR-KNIFE-TO-THE-OTHER-HAND-MOVE that's like EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE KNIFE MOVE NOW, but then--
(shoots CGI red shit into Florence's face)
Wha... oh my god, I was under mind control, but now I'm not!
Shit, what was in that Swedish punch anyway?
(reveals caseful of vials)
The red gas in these vials nullifies mind control and also
looks enough like Pym Particles to fool people dissecting
advance clips. You can use them to free the other Widows!
Like Nanna, who's going to be here any second? I could zap
her and we could team up against the baddies?
Yes, exactly. So you should run and not do that.
I will after I rip the tracker out of my leg! Which since I
was under total mind control could have just been on my
belt. Did they switch my tracker and Scarlett's?
Attention HQ! Florence is compromised; permission to unlock
Well, Twitter seems pretty convinced that... okay, how about
Fine, Taskmaster will have to do, I guess.
SCARLETT drives to her new hideaway in the NORWEGIAN COUNTRYSIDE, where O-T FAGBENLE is waiting.
Just think, Scarlett. This could be your home, right here.
The Avengers aren't a place... they're a people.
What are you talking about-
And here's a box of mail from your old safe house in
Budapest. Just some envelopes and a mysterious black case
that goes CLINKETY CLACK whenever I move it, like there are
vials or something inside. I'm sure it's not important.
And so, SCARLETT settles into her quiet adventure of surviving alone off the land. But this ain't the MINARI CINEMATIC UNIVERSE, so while driving to town, TASKMASTER BUSTS IN TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND I CAN'T GET BUBBLEGUM THROUGH THIS METAL FACE MASK SO SCREW YOU.
I HAVE COME FOR YOUR TINY GLASS VIALS
(explodes Scarlett's car)
NOTHING SHALL STAND BETWEEN ME AND THOSE FRAGILE, EASILY
(fires rockets everywhere)
Luckily even though the cybernetic TASKMASTER has been programmed to UTTERLY PWN ANYONE WHO GETS IN THEIR WAY, the program stops juuuust short of MURDER, so SCARLETT is able to grab the VIALS and ESCAPE!
Holy shit, the vials are attached to a picture of young
Florence with Milla Jovovich's kid! Why would Milla be
involved in... oh right, that's young me. Hmmmm.
INT. OLD APARTMENT BUILDING - BUDAPEST
SCARLETT arrives in BUDAPEST with the VIALS and her BRIGHT FLAMING VERY DISTINCTIVE EASILY SPOTTED RED HAIR, like, finally a situation where it would really make sense to dye, and you choose NOT to? Anyhoo at her old safe house, she finds--FLORENCE PUGH!
I got the vials you sent me, so I'm here to ask you about
And clearly, I wanted your help dealing with them, so I'll be
happy to tell you everything.
(throws Scarlett into furniture)
(slams Florence's head into wall)
Wait, what's going on? Is this the thing where superheroes
always have to fight in their first scene together?
Yeah, I guess.
Fine, I declare that obligation fulfilled so we can get on
with this. So as you may have surmised, the Red Room is
still operational and creating Widows, and its evil
mastermind, Ray Winstone, is still alive.
Ray... alive?!? But there was a huge explosion that I
assumed he was in! Nobody in the MCU has ever come back from
something like that!
Just then, GENERIC-BRAND WIDOWS burst in, forcing SCARFLO to FLEE! They race across the ROOF, chased by NANNA, and eventually, they all FALL SEVERAL STORIES, but NANNA hits the ground DIRECTLY while FLORENCE is flung through glass, and SCARLETT hits three dozen metal beams on the way down, so only NANNA is badly injured.
I thought my shtick was being the only Avenger WITHOUT
(bounces ax blade off wrist)
Argh... Ray... controlling me to... fatally shoot myself...
even though Scarlett... is standing like right there and I
have a clean shot...
EXT. THE FAST AND FURIOUS STREETS OF BUDAPEST
SCARFLO steal a CAR and are chased by TASKMASTER IN A TANK, aka TANKMASTER!
I would have attacked right away with the Widows, but I
really didn't want to leave this thing double-parked.
We need a plan! Scarlett, drive really fast while I make
sarcastic quips and generally make fun of how lame you are
in your own movie. That should do it!
The plan appears to be working, but TANKMASTER uses an EXPLOSIVE ARROW to EXPLODE SCARFLO'S CAR and make it BOUNCE OFF FIVE OTHER CARS, carom off a GIANT PINBALL BUMPER, skid down a SIX FLAGS WATER SLIDE, bounce off a SHOP AWNING, and finally crash DOWN A FLIGHT OF SUBWAY STAIRS where it finally spins to a stop UPSIDE-DOWN.
Um, good thing we wore our seat belts! Ha ha ha, we should
Wow, I got you guys with a HAWKEYE skill, that's gotta
C'mon Florence, I know a secret hiding spot, this small
ceiling compartment where Renner and I once camped out
non-stop for three days! Just, ah, avoid that one corner.
INT. GAS STATION OFF THE HIGHWAY - LATER ON
SCARFLO stop for some extra SUPPLIES and BACKSTORY.
I notice you didn't ask about Winstone's daughter. I assume
you killed her?
Same explosion that I thought killed Ray. But I was looking
right at her when it went boom, so THIS time there's NOOOOO
WAY she survived, certainly not without some kind of
cybernetic enhancements and turning into an inhuman killing
machine, but what are the odds of that happening AGAIN.
How come you never looked for me? I guess you were too busy
being an AVENGER and AVENGING stuff with the AVENGERS and
hanging around AVENGERS headquarters.
STORE CLERK WHO COULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME SWEET COIN TURNING IN A WORLDWIDE FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE
(glued to soccer game)
Well, I assumed you'd probably just up and left the evil
ruthless assassin program that I barely escaped and were
living a boring, drab life with zero problems that my fame or
skills or influence could do anything about.
That figures. Well, I don't hold a grudge, so don't worry, I
won't steal your whole movie or anything.
They go for FOOD and gaze wistfully at a HAPPY CAR MECHANIC and his HAPPY FAMILY being HAPPY together, so they STEAL HIS CLIENT'S CAR, HA HA HAVE FUN SAVING YOUR JOB NOW YOU STUPID DUMB HAPPY MECHANIC.
EXT. RANDOM FIELD
SCARFLO meet up with O-T, who has acquired some new GEAR.
I got you a helicopter, plus those new white outfits you
asked for. There was also a bag full of prototype alternate
costumes sent in by creeper fanboys that I killed with fire.
Good call, thanks. I know I asked for a jet, but turns out a
helicopter is waaaay better suited for our needs in this
case, so chalk up another win in O-T!
EXT. RUSSIAN PRISON - RUSSIA
SCARFLO acquire some baked goods and a vintage DAVID HARBOUR ACTION FIGURE, package and mail it to RUSSIAN PRISON, wait for however long it takes RUSSIAN MAIL to reach RUSSIAN PRISON, and then fly their junky-ass beat-up helicopter straight into RUSSIAN AIRSPACE to hover above the RUSSIAN PRISON.
Bwah ha, I spend all day breaking arms and boasting about
shit! How has nobody killed me in my sleep yet?
DAVID gets his mail and finds an EARPIECE in his action figure!
We're here to bust you out. Please recognize who I am
despite not hearing my voice in 21 years.
DAVID fights his way to the yard, and FLORENCE sets off an AVALANCHE that buries the entire prison, killing everyone, but our heroes GET AWAY in the nick of time!
Yay, what a fun action sequence! I'm sure all the guards
were evil, especially that dog.
Ah, my girls! It's so great to see you and your lack of
uteruses again. WHAT? What did I say?
At least that wasn't as cringy as the Age of Ultron scene.
But we don't care about you; just tell us where Ray Winstone
I don't know. But I DO know where to find... RACHEL WEISZ
DUN DUN DUN!
Wait, Rachel's alive TOO?!? But she had a SHOULDER WOUND!!
How long did you say you've been in the MCU again?
INT. RACHEL WEISZ'S FARM BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH A MARVEL MOVIE, WHICH IS WHEN FARMS APPEAR
The gang are greeted by ROGUE UNDERGROUND PIG SCIENTIST RACHEL WEISZ, and they head inside to drink and catch up.
Yes, I've been here experimenting on pigs and developing our
super evil mind-control technology that fucks directly with
the brain itself. I can demonstrate by ordering this pig not
(nearly murders pig in horrifying fashion)
I'm one of the good guys.
Look, I can still squeeze into my old super-suit that Rachel
has kept in a drawer for 20 years for some reason! Ah, good
to have the family together.
I know those Vin Diesel memes have been super-viral lately,
but please. That was just spycraft; we weren't family.
Oh, screw you! A mirage of normality with fleeting happiness
and long-lasting trauma, followed by decades of people
barely communicating? Seems like real family to ME!
DAVID goes to console FLORENCE, leaving SCARLETT and RACHEL alone.
I'm sorry, Scarlett. I did care about you, and I still
treasure our time together.
I guess maybe... we really were family.
I guess so.
Oh, I alerted the bad guys, and they'll be here to murder you
But I'm going to double-cross them and help you.
Damn. Guess we barely have time for me to switch outfits,
you put on my outfit, both get fully geared up, prep face
masks, and devise a thorough plan, all without ever taking
five seconds to step into the next room and warn Florence
Eventually, TASKMASTER and the MALT-O-MEAL WIDOWS arrive and CAPTURE our heroes with the help of RACHEL, APPARENTLY!
EXT. BIG FLYING SKY FORTRESS - THE RED ROOM!
Our heroes are flown to RAY'S FLYING CASTLE, and unconscious DAVID and FLORENCE are taken inside.
Ah, so the reason nobody could find this crucial secret
location is--that it's suspended high above the surface!
Is this gonna be our go-to move with every female-lead
RACHEL strides past the KNOCKOFF WIDOWS practicing their AMERICA'S NEXT TOP DANCE CREW ROUTINE, and reports to RAY WINSTONE.
I know we need to do the goofy face-mask tech at some point,
so you might as well reveal yourself... SCARLETT!
(dramatically rips off mask, plus two dozen earrings)
OW- yes, it's me; you fell right into our trap! Rachel's gonna
hack your systems, Florence is gonna free the other Widows
and David will, I dunno, fart the alphabet or something. Now
I can murder you dead, um, right after you politely ask
Taskmaster over there to leave without demolishing me,
please and thanks? Ha ha ha.
Taskmaster? Oh, you mean... MY DAUGHTER, OLGA KURYLENKO, DUN
Well yeah, her name was in the opening credits and has been
looming over this movie like an undropped shoe ever since, I
didn't think she was gonna be Barista Girl #3.
I rebuilt her with cybernetics, and now she has the fighting
skills of all the Avengers, even Ant-Man, who has normal
human skill, but you gotta have the whole collection, right?
Anyway, I shall send her after the others now, begone!
Bad move, Ray, now I can shoot you-
Or maybe stab you-
Dammit! Okay, hang on, I could drop a heavy weight above you,
telling myself I'm going to catch it, but then NOT catch it,
It's no use! All Widows have a pheromone lock that means if
you can smell me, you're unable to harm me. And just to make
extra sure, I haven't showered in 10 days. You are helpless!
Curse my clear nasal passageways! Wait, is this why I always
feel compelled to buy every allergy medication I see?
Post-hypnotic suggestion for the win! It's all part of my
ingenious insurance policy that's protected me for decades,
the only possible failing of which would be a theoretical
worldwide pandemic where the infected lose their sense of
smell BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING AMIRITE MWAH
HA HA HA
INT. MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE IN THE FLOATING FORTRESS
DAVID has been locked up with SCARLETT, who is really RACHEL, and who opens their cell!
Aw, and I just did my big heartfelt speech to Scarlett! I
really am just doomed to failure, it seems.
It's okay. I secretly gave Florence an earpiece and
concealed knife, so as long as Ray's guards have absolutely
Florence? Are you okay?
Yeah, fine, they're about to surgically remove my brain so
they can see how the un-mind-control sparkles work. You'd
think they'd start with an MRI or something, but I guess
that's not evil enough?
Well, after you bust free, head down to the labs and find the
vials. They'll be the only red substance in the entire huge
giant lab. Meanwhile, I'll find the Mandatory Third Act
Exploding Collapsing Enemy Base button and push it.
And what'll I do-
(clobbered by Olga)
OH, OKAY, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THIS ASSIGNMENT
(curbstomped all over the damn place)
INT. BACK IN RAY'S OFFICE
RAY continues to gloat to SCARLETT.
I have secret Widow agents around the world, all under my
control. Here they are on my big evil red map! Look at all
the stock disaster footage I can unlock with this control
pad, right here, unlocked by this ring found on this finger!
Ha ha, now I can reveal that I knew about your pheromone
trick all along!
Oh shit, so you wore special spy noseplugs?
Ah, nope, didn't think of that. Oops. Instead, tell me a
random fan theory about Loki.
Okay... some kid on TikTok thinks Owen Wilson is really a
Thor variant because he had sala,d and Rene Russo told Thor
to eat a salad.
That'll do it.
(headdesks TO THE EXTREME)
Dere, now I can'd smell ad all!
(beads up Ray)
ID IS DIME DO DEAL OUD ULDIMAD JUSDICE
But just then, SCARLETT is attacked by the KIRKLAND SIGNATURE BRAND WIDOWS!!
Phew! Ahem, please murder her, my minions. But take your
time, give a chance for a last-second rescue, you know the
The WIDOWS begin mopping the floor with SCARLETT, but luckily, there is a LAST-SECOND RESCUE!
It's me, Scarlett, I strapped all the vials together with an
explosive juuuuust powerful enough to destroy all but two of
Ah, that's better. So now I guess we all go clobber Ray and
his handful of guards? I mean now we have a whole elite
fighting force that's extra motivated to-
No, I'll fight Ray alone.
And I'll grab the sleeper-agent data and fight Olga alone.
Meanwhile, RACHEL pushes the BUTTON, and the ENTIRE BASE begins BLOWING UP! SCARLETT gets the DATA and then OUTRUNS A FIREBALL and LEAPS OUTSIDE and DODGES ANOTHER FIREBALL by LEAPING BACK INSIDE and then SHAKES IT ALL ABOUT and DOES THE HOKEY POKEY and then finds OLGA who has been locked up by DAVID HARBOUR HAHAHAHA AS IF OBVIOUSLY IT WAS ALSO RACHEL WEISZ DID THAT.
Dang, I can't de-brainwash Olga with her helmet on. Hm,
should I offer to free her if she removes her helmet first?
Way too easy. I'll let her out so she can whup my ass and
then, um, improvise the rest. Okay, here we go!
THAT IS AN AWFUL PLAN SCARLETT
(rips itself in half to prevent fight)
Meanwhile, RAY is about to escape on a PLANE!
You're not getting away, Ray! I'm gonna explode one of your
Oh. I should probably get off then.
Okay, but what if... you didn't?
Well all right. I mean, not like an explosion's gonna
However, the SFX TEAM makes it EXCEEDINGLY CLEAR that THIS particular explosion ABSOLUTELY ONE ZILLION PERCENT MATTERS as it CONSUMES RAY AND INCINERATES HIM UTTERLY!! Well, except for his GLASSES anyway.
HA HA HA, WE'LL MEET AGAIN, FLOREEENNNNCE
FLORENCE is flung OFF THE STATION and plummets downward! SCARLETT plummets after her with a PARACHUTE and catches her, but then sees OLGA is plummeting towards them both!
Hm, there's still a chance Florence doesn't have unbreakable
bones, she should probably keep the chute.
(pushes her away)
SCARLETT and OLGA fight and fight, and at the last second OLGA remembers she has a built-in chute and ACTIVATES it. They LAND!
I'm a bit surprised all of Ray's armored guards on his
floating base didn't have built-in chutes, honestly.
(falling to death)
AT LEAST WE HAVE GUNS TO TRY AND KILL PEOPLE IN OUR FINAL
Right. Now I just gotta defeat Olga, who has all my fight
skill plus every Avenger's fight skill and who has totally
crushed me every other time.
But I have the extra two vials! It really is helpful that
they only shatter when their current owner really wants them
I... am myself again. Yay! Now I can hate you for exploding
me as a small child, of my own free will. Gimme a hug!
EXT. HEY, IT'S ANOTHER RANDOM BIG FIELD, THIS TIME DISTINGUISHED BY ITS BEING COVERED IN BITS OF EXPLODED EVIL HQ
SCARLETT searches and finds FLORENCE, who is OKAY!
Good work, sis. Here, have my vest, thus completing the
origin story of Scarlett's Infinity War Vest! I know
everyone was itching to know the origin of that vest.
And we're okay too! We got to a plane and crashed, but David
cushioned our landing with his groin.
LOBLAWS PRESIDENT'S CHOICE WIDOWS
Our plane still works! We're gonna go catch the "This
Changes Everything" doc on Netflix, you can come along if
Oh, hey, here comes William Hurt to arrest me. His troops are
moments away, so we only have like 10 minutes to say our
Here, take the data disk and the last vial. And Olga, why
not. You must carry on the mission to save the Widows!
Shouldn't you escape with the rest of us? At the start of
Infinity War you're still on the run, so that'd be a simple
way to seamlessly transition to-
Nah, it's okay, I'm gonna wait here and deal with that 56-car
convoy by myself. I just have to
EXT. TWO WEEKS LATER
Well that was easy! And look, I have the Infinity War blonde
Meanwhile, I got you a Quinjet because like that's hard. So
when you find Chris Evans, are you gonna tell him about the
worldwide network of sleeper agents that could crash the
world economy at a moment's notice? Maybe suggest you guys
go help with that? Or mention the events of this movie in
(points to hair)
This is all those assholes care about; why even bother?
EXT. EPILOGUE -- POST-ENDGAME
In a secluded cemetery, FLORENCE and her DOG visit SCARLETT'S GRAVE because apparently SOME PEOPLE CARED ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY DO A PROPER FAREWELL, SORRY SHE DIDN'T HAVE A BIG ROBOT HEART TO FLOAT DOWN A RIVER, BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE AVENGERS NOT THE MEMORIALIZERS.
Hey there! I have a new job for you, wackily!
(does Elaine dance)
I work for you now? I guess that means my big huge
global-Widow-rescue mission got wrapped up offscreen,
So who's the target?
How'd you like to get the one responsible for Scarlett's
death... namely, JEREMY RENNER DUN DUN DUNNN!!!
Okay, I know we like to behave like everyone in the MCU has
watched all the MCU movies, but come on, how the FUCK do we
know that? Did Jeremy write a big tell-all book? Anyway I
still blame Mecharen Gillan for not figuring out the
love-sacrifice angle before the mission, and what's more-
Look, we're committed to a Hawkeye show, and it needs all the
help it can get.
Top Image: Marvel Studios