Do The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bone?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a staple of so many of our childhoods - the memories of the Turtles shouting "cowabunga" before downing slices of pizza beloved by us all. It's why we advise you to take a moment to cherish this mental image before you continue reading this article because that wholesome picture is about to be forever destroyed by a harsh truth. Are you ready? Don't say we didn't warn you. Here it comes: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have definitely tried to bang each other.
We don't like it any more than you do. The thought of these four turtle brothers fooling around together in the showers is sickening, but it's pretty much an absolute certainty. Understand that turtles are some of the most sexually deviant creatures imaginable. (Evidence below, and we'd say NSFW unless your work is studying the mating habits of turtles.)
Their quest to get off is relentless. However, there might be one thing more depraved than turtles, and that's teenage boys:
Combine those two things together, and you've got a level of sexual energy that could power the sun. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just so happen to be that combination.
The problem is that their options to release said sexual energy is so limited. They're turtles first, so they're biologically wired to be attracted to other turtles, but they're also giant, mutant turtles, meaning they're too anthropomorphically incompatible to mate with other regular turtles. Meanwhile, they're too turtle-y to have any type of sexual relations with humans. There's a reason the turtles are stuck simping for April O'Neil, and it's not just because Michaelangelo has no game.
It's because it's bestiality. (Also, they're still children, and April is not about that life.) The same goes for all of their other romantic prospects. Raphael might flirt with Mona Lisa, but they both know nothing serious can happen. He's a turtle, and she's a lizard. It doesn't work -- ditto for Karai, another human.
Now we know what you're thinking. Bestiality is bad, but so is incest! This is true, but the TMNT aren't actually related. We learn in the Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series that each turtle is of a different lineage. Leonardo is a red-eared slider, Raphael is a snapping turtle, Donatello is a softshell turtle, and Michaelangelo is a box turtle. They're only brothers in that Splinter has unofficially adopted them, but even that might be a bit of a misnomer. They're more like "wards" that Splinter trains in an effort to fight the Footclan. Sure, Splinter might call them "son," but football coaches call their players the same thing before sending them out to get their heads clobbered by 250lb linebackers.
So it's really just a bunch of horny male turtles living together with very few ways to get off. Yes, they could masturbate, and hoo boy, you better believe that the sewers of New York City are coated with a lot more than pizza grease, but that may only be effective for so long. Eventually, these turtles are going to want to bone something with a pulse, and they'll pretty much only have each other to turn to. And again, when we look at the mating habits of turtles, we find that this is the most likely outcome. Turtles have gay sex all the time, especially when raised together in captivity, which basically represents the TMNT living situation.
Is this still weird to picture? That's for you to decide, but we do know one thing beyond all doubt. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are rubbing up against each other at this very moment, and there's nothing we can do to stop them.
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Top Image: Paramount Pictures