Too busy to watch the two-and-a-half-hour ordeal that is Wonder Woman 1984? No, you're not; who are you kidding? In any case, we sent The Editing Room into the cheetah's den to procure the abridged version of the film's screenplay, having done so many times for us in the past. So here's what they uncovered, presented on the very same screen where you probably watched the movie ...
We open with a GRAND MYTHICAL IMAX edition of AMAZONIAN NINJA WARRIOR, which contributes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the story except to put CONNIE NIELSEN and ROBIN WRIGHT into the opening credits. Then we FAST FORWARD TO--
INT. MALL - WASHINGTON, D.C. - THE YEAR 1984!
A HEIST is underway! WONDER GADOT bursts in and uses her TIARA to SMASH ALL THE SECURITY CAMERAS in one area of the mall, before leaping and fighting all over the mall.
Thanks to "Batman v Superman" I must preserve this bizarre
alternate timeline, where nobody in 1984 has heard of Princess Diana!
If you're so intent on anonymity, why do you wear that bright, flashy
Look, people are complaining I don't wear the outfit enough as it is.
WONDER GADOT uses an IMPRESSIVE COMBO of LASSO TRICKS, COMBAT SKILL, FLOOR SLIDING, LASSO TRICKS, INSPIRING YOUNG GIRLS, and EVEN MORE LASSO TRICKS to utterly curb-stomp the INCOMPETENT GOOBER ROBBERS that barely warranted thirty seconds of her time!
There! I hope everyone appreciated all the 1980s references we packed
into this scene because we mention the '80s like twice more, and that's it.
POPPED-COLLAR RUBIK'S CUBE DRINKING NEW COKE
INT. THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTE WHERE YOU CAN APPARENTLY HOLD THE SAME JOB FOR A HUNDRED YEARS AND NOBODY ASKS QUESTIONS
At her day job, GAL, who is GOOD in HEELS, meets new hire KRISTEN WIIG, who is TERRIBLE in HEELS!
Hi, I'm a quirky, awkward character who talks under her breath a lot, gosh
who saw THAT coming.
(drops files all over floor)
(voted homecoming queen)
The FBI needs our help identifying this black-market stuff from the
mall heist. All they found was this packing slip saying "PAID FOR BY
PEDRO PASCAL, PLEASE DELIVER TO PEDRO PASCAL INC.
C/O PEDRO PASCAL" and they're stumped.
Some of it's clearly fake... I mean, look at this dumb stone; it says it
can grant wishes. Snorf!
(falls into swimming pool)
Well, I wish I had coffee!
(gets coffee immediately)
Hmm. I wish I had Chris Pine back.
(sorry, due to pandemic restrictions, your wish is
being held at the warehouse. Expect delivery within 5 business days)
And I wish I was as strong and sexy and cool as Gal!
(on it! say, did you want to add anything about having her
resistance to electricity, maybe?)
Huh? Why would I--
The next day, despite her previous struggles with HEELS, KRISTEN is now GREAT IN HEELS! Also, she has catlike reflexes and blah blah, but more importantly, the staff is visited by THE MAXWELL-LORDIAN HIMSELF, PEDRO PASCAL!
Hello everyone! You probably recognize me and my face from all
my TV commercials starring my face that I've done. I've donated a
heap of money to your department, and there's a huge party tonight
Actually, I don't own a TV. Also, people who go to parties are
assholes. Non-Vegans are pure scum.
(forms high school clique)
Thing is, the party scene is literally the only one with any
actual '80s music in it, so it kinda has to happen.
Ugh, FINE, see you there.
INT. BIG FANCY-ASS PARTY
GAL GADOT arrives in a STUNNING HIGH COUTURE DRESS because having utterly no social life is no excuse not to maintain your WARDROBE. After deflecting wave after wave of CREEPAZOID LOSERS, she suddenly runs into--
Gal, it's me, Chris Pine! I can prove it; I know two lines of dialogue
from the last movie!
Yes, I see now, it's really you! ... And you've taken over the body of
some random innocent man? Why couldn't you just appear out of
thin air, like lots of other wishes are gonna do? This unnecessary
wrinkle adds a WHOLE lot of unpleasant implications.
Yeah, it really really does.
But hang on, what if we just... never think about them?
INT. PEDRO HQ
Meanwhile, PEDRO, having successfully ROMANCED THE STONE away from KRISTEN, takes it back to his OFFICE, which may be all fancy DOWNSTAIRS but upstairs is ... NOT FANCY! Yes, this bombastic TV personality may talk a big business game but is just a bankrupt fraud, has Russian assistants, and you get the idea.
All right, stone, I've been preparing for this moment for years.
I wish ... to BE YOU. To BE THE STONE, ITSELF!
What really? You realize that totally opens the door for me to turn
you to stone, right? What happened to wishing for infinite wishes?
All that prep and THIS is what you come up with.
If you stoneify me, the movie ends right here, so just do
what I want. I must acquire all the power I can to gain my
child's respect when I grudgingly see him on alternate weekends!
Dude, don't tempt me with ending the movie early. But ... okay.
The stone CRUMBLES as PEDRO TAKES ITS POWER!!
Mwah haha! Now I can trick people into making wishes as they touch me
and magically take any payment in return that I want, no matter
how nonsensical! That second part's a bit convoluted, so we'd better
not explain it for another hour or so.
INT. CHRIS'S PLACE - THE NEXT MORNING
After a night of putting their BODIES TOGETHER, GAL and CHRIS decide to put their HEADS TOGETHER.
We should figure out how this happened. There might be grave
consequences to this kind of magical power being let loose,
and OOOH WAIT 1980S SETTING, WE MUST DO A GOOFY 1980S CLOTHES MONTAGE!
YES, GIMME ALL THE 1980S CLOTHES; WHY MAKE THE COSTUME
DEPARTMENT CHOOSE WHEN I CAN WEAR ALL OF THEM!
SOOO EIGHTIES well, that was fun, but time to settle on a fairly non-goofy
outfit so we can get back to the serious task of OOOH WAIT LAST
MOVIE I WAS THE FISH OUT OF WATER NOW IT'S YOU, MUST DO
REVERSE FISH MONTAGE!!
YES, PLEASE; YAY SIGHTSEEING! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS ALL THIS?!
LOOK SUBWAYS THAT DON'T STOP YAY; well, oops, it seems while
we were gallivanting around Pedro has been busy accumulating
wealth and power, and now he's in Cairo to kick things up a notch.
We've gotta get there! But to do that, we'd need some sort of ... JET!
Yes, let's SEE if we can find a JET!
EXT. THE SMITHSONIAN
GAL takes CHRIS to the museum's back lot of archived JETS that are kept fully fuelled and maintained and ready to fly at a moment's notice.
Aw yeah, of course, I can pilot this airplane 60 years into my future!
Sure an escalator made me soil my britches, but still.
And suddenly, I can make things invisible!
(makes jet disappear)
Yes, finally, I have an invisible jet. Which reminds me, I should learn
to fly this movie, thus making the invisible jet pointless. Chris,
how do you fly?
It's so easy, really. It's about wind, about air. You ride it, catch it,
join with it.
Also, having a plane helps. Like, A LOT.
I see. Anyway, now we can fly to Egypt and thwart Pedro before
he unleashes untold havoc on OOOH WAIT FIREWORKS
WOW FLY THROUGH THE PRETTY FIREWORKS CHRIS--
LOOK IF I FLY HIGHER FIREWORKS THROUGH CLOUDS EVEN MOAR PRETTY
EXT. CAIRO - THE NEXT DAY
In exchange for DESTABILIZING THE MIDDLE EAST AND THE WORLD ECONOMY, PEDRO scores himself a SECURITY DETAIL and some MILITARY VEHICLES, talk about the art of the deal. On a desert highway, PEDRO'S CONVOY zooms past a TAXI with GAL and CHRIS in it!
There he is! Wait, why did we ditch the invisible jet for a beat-up
taxi? Anyway, let's get him!
(magically summons Wonder Gadot costume!)
Okay, look, you were SO NOT wearing your costume under that
flimsy blouse; come on. I distinctly remember that last movie
you had to carry it around.
Yeah yeah. Time to go Raiders on this bitch!
WONDER GADOT begins WRECKING THE DESERT CONVOY all IN-'DIANA' JONES STYLE!!
(leaping between tanks, punching and kicking soldiers)
Gotta say this random love-handled engineer I've possessed is in
seriously GREAT shape.
However, GAL gets WOUNDED! Between that and having to save THE WORLD'S MOST OBLIVIOUS CHILDREN, PEDRO gets away, leaving GAL and the KIDS lying in the middle of the road.
Don't worry! I skidded my tank to within an inch of you; you're safe!
Can't help but notice everyone else just casually drove AROUND us,
the only vehicle that almost smooshed us was you.
I'm worried, Gal. You're clearly not at full power, and even
worse your theme music lost the electric cello. Something's not right.
We can't fret about that now! Let's see if Kristen's found any more plot.
Hey guys. So yeah, the entire Smithsonian library was useless, but
then I stumbled on some random-ass flyer that just happened
to have the address of a guy who just happened to have an ancient book
that explains everything.
Anyway seems like the stone is a Monkey's Paw situation where
it grants wishes but extracts a terrible cost yadda yadda, but we're
all cool with that, right? Right?
It's as I feared. To avert utter catastrophe, we'll need to get everyone
to renounce their greatest, dearest wish. Well, that should be easy.
It's not like we'd be asking anything astronomical like wearing
a piece of cloth over half your face for a few weeks, for FUCK'S SAKE.
INT. THE WHITE HOUSE
PEDRO keeps granting WISHES, but it's NEVER ENOUGH!! So he somehow gets someone to WISH for him to meet with PRESIDENT NOT-REAGAN!
Hack! Cough! Shit, I'm getting more and more ill, which I guess
is MY terrible price that I'm paying to ... myself? Since I'm the
stone now? Anyway, tell me your wish, President Not-Reagan!
More nukes, of course! Lots and lots of nukes everywhere!
And hey, if we all get blown up, I'll just run on a low-taxes
platform next time.
Done! In return, I want all your power and authority.
But also, I'm a sovereign nation, but one that gives the
USA orders. I don't even know anymore.
Hey, what's that?
Oh, that's a bullshit thing we have that can broadcast a signal
to every screen on Earth all at once. It also wakes up the part
of Earth that's asleep and makes them watch TV.
I could use this to gather wishes from the whole world,
all at once! Okay, even for this movie, that's nonsense.
But, I can make someone wish that this stupid plan
works, and then it will!
(That is literally what happens.)
PEDRO and his new SECRET SERVICE DETAIL start heading out, but wait, WONDER GADOT has tracked him down using her secret monitors that hack into all the SECURITY CAMERAS she hasn't already smashed!
I've got you lassoed, Pedro! Now to show you the truth about your
motivations with a flashback to your horrible childhood, which will
solve everything. Actually, I guess it's too soon for that. FIGHT TIME!
(beats up guards)
It seems the day is won, but KRISTEN WIIG arrives with TORN STOCKINGS now!
I can't let you do this, Gal. I'm good in heels now, you hear?! GOOD!
(also beats up guards)
No, Kristen, you can't harm these innocent guards! That's evil!
Um, Gal, a minute ago, you EXPLODED a ceramic vase INTO A
DUDE'S FACE. He could be BLIND. You throw randos into walls
ALL THE TIME. Your boyfriend has been dragging an innocent man
into constant mortal danger FOR DAYS. I'm keeping my wish,
even at the terrible cost of not being a simpering pushover!
KRISTEN MOPS THE FLOOR with GAL and CHRIS and escapes with PEDRO!
GAL and CHRIS stagger through rampaging hordes of PORSCHES and HIPPIES and COWS as society begins to fall apart.
The world needs you, Gal. You have to let me go. I mean,
by all rights, I should only have been in the first movie anyway.
Very well ... though it pains me, I renounce my wish! I selflessly reclaim
all my strength and power and immortality and general awesomeness!
GAL walks away and then RUNS AND RUNS and then FLINGS HER LASSO and SOARS UPWARD!
Now that I'm a few miles up, maybe it's a good time to learn that
whole flying thing.
Sure enough, she is soon FLYING FOR REALS!!
Wheeee! I know the world's going to hell by the second but let's take
some time to appreciate this.
(tries various flying postures)
And let's pick up some speed by lassoing... A CLOUD?! SERIOUSLY?!
Okay, back to work. But first, a quick detour to grab my formidable
winged golden battle-tank armor that I probably should have
put on the second I became vulnerable to bullets.
On her way, GAL also lassos some LIGHTNING BOLTS, which the trailer kind of suggested would be a bigger moment.
INT. MILITARY BUNKER
PEDRO uses the ridiculous nonsense thing to broadcast EVERYWHERE ON EARTH!
Attention world! Wish for anything you want, and I shall grant it!
In exchange, I will only take your health and life-force, which,
won't that kill everyone?? Oh, and if the cast of Cats could
please make a wish so I can give Kristen your makeup and
costume in exchange, that'd be swell.
But outside, almost FIVE FULL SECONDS OF THE ACTUAL ELECTRIC-CELLO THEME MUSIC announces the arrival of GOLDEN WONDER GADOT! She CLOBBERS some FULLY INNOCENT MAGICALLY-CONTROLLED SOLDIERS but then--
KRISTEN WITH EXTREME WIIG AND MAKEUP
Mwah haha! Time for some CGI nonsense in super low lighting, just
what everyone's been aching for!
They FIGHT! Or rather, GAL stands still while KRISTEN demolishes her WING SHIELD until it's gone. THEN they fight, in dramatic CIRQUE DU SOLEIL fashion! They fall into WATER with LOOSE WIRES nearby!
Surrender Kristen! Renounce, or I'll flat-out murder your
ass by dunking us both in the electrified water!
But I'm supposed to have your powers, so how come the
electricity zaps me but not you? This is some bullshit.
Poop, guess I'm dead. Was hoping to return...
(but not actually dead!)
Oh cool. Heh heh.
(but definitely not a cheetah anymore)
GAL rushes inside and finds PEDRO surrounded by LIGHT and WIND!
MWAH HA HA, I HAVE ACHIEVED MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF
HAVING MY OWN PODIUM AND LOTS OF WIND!
FOOLISH MORTALS, I SHALL TAKE ALL OF YOUR WIND!!!
Argh! Powerless against all this wind! If only
my lasso could work against things like air and clouds and wind!
However, while GAL slumps in a corner defeatedly, her LASSO sort of crawls over by itself off-screen and loops itself around PEDRO!
Haha, now I can talk to the entire planet!
ATTENTION WORLD THIS IS WONDER GADOT. PLEASE LISTEN
TO ME AND RENOUNCE YOUR WISHES JUST AS I, WONDER GADOT,
HAVE DONE. ONLY IF EVERYONE ON EARTH HEEDS MY WORDS
CAN WE BE SAFE. YOURS TRULY, WONDER GADOT, PRINCESS OF
Soooo... how's that whole anonymity thing going?
(smashes security camera)
Oh no, your lasso has shown me that the imminent worldwide nuclear
attacks I've caused also threaten my kid! Okay, fine, I renounce my
wish! There, that should also undo all the wishes I granted,
right? Maybe wipe everyone's memories?
HAHAHAHA that would be a much cleaner wrap-up now,
wouldn't it? But nope. Everyone's gotta renounce!
RANDOM ELDERLY WOMAN SOMEWHERE
Um, I wished my husband didn't have Alzheimer's. Do I have to
renounce that too?
No look, apparently every single person on Earth made a horrible selfish
wish. And now each and every single person is going to
have a huge change of heart and renounce it. Completely
plausible on every level.
The PRESIDENTIAL HELICOPTER flies PEDRO back to WASHINGTON just as a bonus freebie or whatever. Miraculously PEDRO finds his KID amongst all the RUBBLE, and they RECONCILE!
HUGE ANGRY MOB READY TO TEAR PEDRO TO SHREDS FOR ALL THE CRAP HE PULLED
Oh, it's okay everyone, his kid still loves him! Stand down!
(goes for ice cream)
EXT. THE NEXT DAY OOPS, THE RELEASE GOT PUSHED BACK BY COVID SO LET'S SAY LABOUR DAY HALLOWEEN THANKSGIVING SCREW IT, CHRISTMAS
With ALL OF EARTH deciding to call a MULLIGAN on the whole movie and say NO HARD FEELINGS, everything is AWESOME! GAL wanders through a Christmas square and bumps into RANDOM GUY.
Hey, do you know what happened over the July 4th weekend?
I blacked out for five days and apparently attacked the Secret Service.
I just hope my body wasn't psychically hijacked and used
for sexual purposes without my consent, because that would be
Wow, we just had to drive home our single worst story choice
right at the end, didn't we? How am I gonna distract the audience
from OOOOH LOOK, IT'S LYNDA CARTER EVERYONE YAAAAYYYYY!
And so, the MOVIE AUDIENCE gets their WISH for a big-budget streaming release but PAYS THE IRONIC PRICE of it being terrible.
Top Image: Warner Bros.