6 Famous People With Weird-Ass Hidden Lives

It's easy to forget that celebrities have lives outside of being celebrities. You can't be what you're famous for all the time, sometimes you need a change of pace. Snoop Dogg stopped rapping and started cooking with Martha Stewart, Donald Glover vacillates between making TV and making music, and Jimmy Buffet writes pirate novels. Everyone has different stuff they want to try, new skills to test out. But sometimes, things take a hard left turn into Whattheshitsville, and we get people like ...

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6
Kane, The Goth Pro Wrestler Who's Now A Mayor

Where You Might Know Him From: 

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The Undertaker's kid brother, a seven-foot demon from Hell so covered in burn scars he had to wear a red-and-black bodysuit presumably plucked off the sale rack at Hot Topic. He fights in flaming rings. He chokeslams giants. His finishing move is called the Tombstone Piledriver, and he once did it to disgraced baseball player Pete Rose, who was in a chicken suit  ...

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'Taint-Slam' was taken.

What You Don't Know About Him: 

When he's not in the ring, The Demon Kane is Mayor Glenn Jacobs, of Knox County, TN. Without his mask and oily wrestler's hair (or murderous hook), Jacobs seems to be a jovial giant, red-faced and smiling. He gets on Twitter to announce things like creek clean-ups and that the world's oldest golden retriever lives in town. He's been relatively active on the libertarian scene since 2008 -- some Tea Party groups even tried to get him to run for Senate in 2013. Eventually, in 2018, he threw his, um, mask into the ring (we're so sorry) and won the Mayor's seat. 

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Look, we get it, people change careers all the time, but it's never not going to be jarring that someone who once professionally pretended to have such severe throat scarring that he couldn't talk, just, like, give a speech at the Chamber of Commerce or whatever. The least he could do is chokeslam a committee chair through a desk and put it on TikTok. 

5
Bison Dele, The NBA Star Who Was The Most Interesting Man In The World

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'90s NBA star Bison Dele (born Brian Williams) is probably best known for his name change, which he did to honor his Cherokee ancestry and enslaved ancestors on his mother's side. He played a key role in the Chicago Bulls' 1997 title run and is the green-eyed, bewildered-looking dude standing next to a euphoric Michael Jordan during the on-court celebration

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Pictured (right to left):  His Airness, His Barely-Thereness.

After that, he became the then-highest paid player in Detroit Pistons history with a five-year, $50 million contract and turned in two All-Star-level years before ... walking away from the game to walk the earth. 

What You Don't Know About Him: 

He was a prototype for the most interesting man in the world. He stumbled onto basketball because of his 6'9" (ni'ce'') height, not passion, and used his NBA career to fund adventures. His list of alleged actions reads like Hemingway fan-fic: dating Madonna, running with bulls (in Spain this time), biking from Salt Lake City to Phoenix with no water, getting a pilot's license. His best friend was the guy who started Overstock.com. Essentially, he got a high-paying job and then treated it with open indifference while he did cool stuff. 

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Eventually, he bought a catamaran and sailed the Pacific. Isn't that the best life? Sorry, but there's a super sad twist: his estranged brother, Miles Dabord (born Kevin Williams, man, this family had a thing for name changes) showed up one day. Miles had a number of problems, including the substance abuse and financial kind, and all signs point to Miles kinda messing up the vibe for Bison and his girlfriend, Serena Karlan. Sorry, did we say "messing up the vibe?" We meant "probably murdering Bison and Serena and the boat's captain at sea and dumping their bodies in the ocean." We'll never know the facts of the case, though, because Miles intentionally overdosed on insulin on a beach in Mexico a few months after. But not before forging Bison's signature to try to buy $152,000 worth of gold in Phoenix, which remains the only NBA related gold to involve Phoenix to this day.

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4
Norman Lear, The Prolific TV Producer With Even More Prolific Sperm

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The writer and producer behind shows like All in the FamilyThe Jeffersons, and Good Times. One of the most prolific creators of television ever and an early advocate for the representation of black families on TV. 

U.S. State Dept.
It's so rare to meet a person you can unreservedly describe as dy-no-mite.
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What You Don't Know About Him: 

As of this writing, in 2020, Norman Lear is 98 years old. His youngest children -- twins -- are 26, meaning (hang on, need a calculator) they were born when Norman was 72. Now, we're not here to shame anyone for lifestyle choices or speculate about family dynamics, but twins are a lot of work for anyone, much less a 72-year-old. He has four other kids, the eldest being born in 1947, which is (hang on, gotta get the calculator again) 47 years the twins' senior. That means the entire time Lear was making some of the most iconic TV in history, he was raising kids, but then he got to retirement age and had to raise more kids

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It's just, so, so many kids over such a long period of time. Any parent should be tired just reading this. Not to mention all the septuagenarian sex. Again, no judgment; it's just wild that the Good Times and All In The Family guy has apparently been having good times, all in the family, for more than half a century.

3
Marvin Harrison, the Mild-Mannered Wide Receiver Who Resembles Michael Corleone

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One of the best wide receivers in NFL history who spent 13 seasons with the Indianapolis Colts and won a Super Bowl ring in 2006. 

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He made catches that shouldn't have been possible, finished his career second on the all-time reception list, and had a very sensible mustache.

Indianapolis Colts
Look at it; that thing is downright prudent.

What You Don't Know About Him: 

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A clean-and-pristine reputation belied a difficult home life. His father killed a rival gang member at age 16, and his half-brothers were major players in Philadephia's mob underworld. Turns out that does some things to you. His outside-the-gridiron interests seemed innocuous enough: dude owned a bunch of car washes and businesses in North Philly. Not unexpected from an athlete getting million-dollar paychecks but ... in hindsight, does remind us a little bit of Walter White. Then one night, the mild-mannered, Christian, NFL Hall of Famer, reputable business owner, beloved sports hero ... we're stalling because there's no delicate way to put this ... may or may not have shot a dude. The courts couldn't decide.

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Reading up on the beef that led to the shooting, you can sort of see how it played out -- an argument between violent people with guns with escalating challenges of "you won't do it" and "I will do it" reaches its logical conclusion. Then, a little over a year later, that same guy, Dwight Dixon, died after being shot a whole bunch of times with a whole bunch of bullets that matched a whole bunch of guns Harrison or his cousin owned. Knowing what we know now about his socioeconomic situation (not to mention what playing football does to you), it doesn't seem too surprising, but back in 2009, this was a pretty shocking revelation from a dude grabbing TD balls from the sentient bag of Wonderbread that is Peyton Manning. 

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2
Christopher Marlowe, the Poet/Playwright Who Just Might Have Been a Spy

Where You Might Know Him From: 

High school literature classes, pastoral poetry, the concept of a Faustian bargainincredibly boring poetry, or maybe that scene in Shakespeare In Love where he writes Romeo and Juliet off the cuff while drinking brandy. He's somehow had a massive, lasting impact on culture despite only having written like one and a half good poems. 

Corpus Christi College
Also, the best evidence so far that Johnny Depp is actually a 500 year old immortal.
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What You Don't Know About Him: 

Don't let the dainty appearance or association with poetry fool you; there's decent evidence Christopher Marlowe was a spy. Like a full-on James Bond type of secret agent, albeit slightly more frilly-collared. It's been speculated that he was involved in preventing an assassination plot on Queen Elizabeth, and he frequently had more money for food and drink than his income suggested. How many people did the guy who wrote primarily about sheep frolicking in meadows kill? They weren't great at keeping records in the 1500s; it has to be more than a dozen, right? This frail-looking, mustachioed dude died in a barfight thanks to a knife-stabbing above his eye. How many poets go gently into that good night via a knife to the eye? 

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1
Robert Welch, The Father of the Modern Conspiracy Right Who Was a Failed Willy Wonka

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The founder of the John Birch Society, an anti-communist zealot group so paranoid they accused Dwight Eisenhower of being a part of the Red Scare. The John Birch Society counted Fred Koch as a founding member, as in father of Charles and David Koch -- basically Mr. Burns x 2, raised by a Nazi nanny, intent on wrecking American politics and the planet. And Robert Welch, a paranoid rich guy so vile even Barry Goldwater denounced him, had a ton of influence on them! Isn't that fun? 

John Birch Society
We are not fans, in case that wasn't clear.
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What You Don't Know About Him: 

Robert Welch built his fortune by making candy. Sorry, did we say candy? It was literally caramel on a stick, and he named it the Sugar Daddy. Just the most basic, boring candy possible. Robert was so shitty at making candy he went out of business and had to beg his brother for a job. Consider for a second that his recipes weren't good enough to sustain a candy company in a pre-Reese's, pre-Kit Kat world. Back then, people went to the movies and ate raisins, and they were grateful. It should have been the easiest thing to capitalize on, but this stupid jackass's only success was burning carmel and putting it on a stick. 

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Anyway, his brother's company was later bought by Nabisco, who kept selling those barely-edible Sugar Daddies for completely unknown reasons. To this day, you can walk into any candy store that bills itself as "Old Timey," pick up a piece of teeth-rotting nostalgia and pay a silent tribute to a fascist who failed his way into political activism.

PxFuel
Somehow in his search to expose communists, he created the most Soviet-ass looking candy ever.

Chris Corlew is not a spy, probably, if anyone's asking. He co-hosts The Line Break Podcast and talks about how exhausting parenting is on Twitter.  

Top image: WWE, John Birch Society

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