Why Stop At Only Bags Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows?

Think of all the sugary goodness we're missing out on.
Why Stop At Only Bags Of Lucky Charms Marshmallows?

It's an undisputed fact that the best part of Lucky Charms is the marshmallow bits. Sure, there might be a weird edgelord among us who may claim to prefer the sugary oat pieces that accompany these marshmallow morsels of greatness, but that person is too busy sniffing their own farts to be taken seriously anymore. The majority of people love the marshmallows, and, as of yesterday, after 56 years of diluting those marshmallows with other non-marshmallow pieces, General Mills has finally decided to start selling the marshmallows on their own in a pouch

Frankly, it's about damn time. Lucky Charms was already a game of fishing out enough marshmallows for the perfect, sugary, artery choking bite, but who among us hasn't gotten sick of our breakfast candy playing hard to get? Better yet, toss in a needle of insulin as the prize inside and cut out the middleman altogether. We're Americans dammit, and we shouldn't have to suffer through another ounce of calcified oat to get to the spoonfuls of crystallized sugar, water, and gelatin of which we crave.

In fact, there are plenty of other foods which could take a lesson from Lucky Charms. Oreo, for example, should quit putzing around with double-stuffed and triple-stuffed and just sell us the creme by the jar-full as we deserve. Screw the cookie. Just slather that shit onto your hands and be glad God is far too distracted with season 2 of The Umbrella Academy to judge you. 

We can keep going. The best part of a Nestle Drumstick is the chocolate tip at the end of the cone. Slice those puppies off and serve them on a tray like hors d'oeuvres. Everyone likes fried chicken, but the most depraved of us will love fried chicken skins stacked on a platter. Do we even need to tell you the natural progression of the muffin?

The possibilities are endless. So thank you, General Mills, for giving the people exactly what they want, and not letting such abstract concepts like "health" or a "general sense of civility" stop you.

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Top Image: General Mills

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