15 Things You Need to Be a Real Adult
This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
We were going to give you a detailed explanation of what adulting is and what it means, but it's just too hard. We're tired. Instead, just look at these things you need to practice adulting like an actual adult.
You're a millennial. You don't carry spare change with you to use at the gas station air machine. You use technology! This cordless drill-looking thing will inflate your tires and tell you the PSI for good measure so you won't have to wobble around town like a cartoon.
You've probably seen in road trip movies when the family hysterically overpacks so much that they have to mount an additional bag on the roof. Well, that's based on reality, friend. Now that you're an adult, you're going to overpack all the time. Fortunately, this waterproof, aerodynamic storage bag is easy to mount on your car. It's practically a status symbol, screaming "Look at me! I have reached an advanced age at which I have many cumbersome but necessary possessions!"
Soon, you'll come to find that you love your car more than anything or anyone else in your life. You'll love bathing it, feeding it, and making its wheels all shiny and beautiful and protected, which is why you'll get this sprayable vinyl wrap kit that is supremely easy to use and cheaper than having a mechanic do it. You can't trust your baby with that guy. He wouldn't even agree to a background check.
Let he among us who's never had to call a friend (or worse, AAA) for a jump because you left your lights on for the entire three hours you spent inside Target please come to Target and give us a jump. We forgot to buy this jump starter, which raises batteries from the dead all by itself, no human interaction required. Sometimes, being an adult means never having to talk to anyone you don't want to.
This ultra-powerful glue molds into any space to create a clean, solid fix wherever you need because, contrary to popular belief, you don't have to be a dad to hate calling the handyperson to fix things around the house.
Forget to defrost the chicken again? It's okay, so did we. (That sentence is true no matter what day you're reading.) Thankfully, this defrosting tray accelerates the process a bit so you don't go salmonelling yourself.
As Ron Swanson says, every adult home should have a toolbox. So, here you go. This set has a flashlight, a T-handle ratchet driver, nine interchangeable slotted Phillips and hex bits, eight Allen wrench bits, and four precision screwdriver bits. Don't worry if you don't know what any of that is; you'll find out when you need them.
Every adulter worth their salt should know their way around a grill. This magnetic tool set transforms from a spatula, to a fork, to a serving tool so you always have the right tool on hand. It's like adulting magic.
One of the signature signs of adulting is making your own smoothies. This portable blender lets you carry fruit around with you all day and then blend it up into a smoothie once everybody is watching you. Talk about a power move.
As you get older, you'll find that you're always cold. Even when it's 120 degrees outside, you'll be cold inside, in more ways than one. This personal fireplace will warm the frozen tundra of your heart and look pretty sweet doing it, too. Properly displaying and handling fire is not only super adulty, it's rad AF.
If you tend to run hot instead, rest assured that that blazing passion will extinguish much sooner than you think. In the meantime, try this personal air conditioner.
Tired of constantly overshooting the range of your vacuum cleaner's cord, unplugging yourself, and looking like an idiot pushing a powerless vacuum cleaner? This cordless vacuum has a 180W motor and an upgraded motorized brush so you can easily switch between hardwood and carpet, if you've somehow afforded a space with both. Congratulations on that!
In college, it was no big deal that your fridge smelled like stale beer and rotten eggs all the time. In adulthood, it's gross. What is wrong with you, you monster? Deodorize that thing and keep it smelling like a fridge should: delicious.
Fortunately, nobody said you have to give up pizza as an adult. The Firepod will let you make pizza (or grill meats) just about anywhere. You can be a rugged individualist who only feels truly at home in nature and enjoy a slice.
Smudgy, germy devices are for children. Clean up your act (as well as your phone) with this portable wand that kills 99.9% of most pathogens within a few seconds. Then, go ahead and hand it to a child, secure in the knowledge that you've protected that filthy monster like a true adult. Just keep in mind that there's no wand to mend cracked screens.