4 Reasons Searching For Buried Treasure Sucks IRL

4

Seeking Fortune and Glory ... From Your Living Room

While most pop-culture treasure maps are drawn on crumbling pieces of parchment paper littered with Xs and palms trees and cryptic sketches, the truth is a lot less exciting. The globetrotting and womanizing and fisticuffs are, as a rule, kept to a minimum.

For starters, most modern treasures are buried on purpose, in easily accessible areas, usually by aspiring authors and retirees with an extra couple grand lying around. Clues are then woven into children's books and unedited memoirs no one could find a publisher for. And you don't even have to, like, steal these books -- most of them are available on Amazon.

Treasure Trove Inc.Like A Treasure's Trove, a book of fairy tales that also directed readers to a million bucks worth of gems. A blood-splattered pirate map this ain't.

Far from scampering through booby-trapped jungles, the vast majority of a treasure hunter's job is spent deciphering bad poetry from the comfort of their own underpants. There's a lot more working with others online than you might think, and it's not uncommon for fortune-seekers to "solve" the puzzle and then reach out to others to do the actual dirty work of digging up private property and national parks. Furthering the disappointment, the treasures are also a lot more modest than the literal Holy Grails you might be hoping for. A lot of the buried booty is more symbolic than anything, comprised mostly of trinkets to be traded in for actual cash, with values topping out well under six figures -- and that's assuming the treasure even exists in the first place.

3

X Doesn't Always Mark the Spot

Imagine if Indiana Jones's eponymous ark was opened and, instead of holy murder-ghosts, the only thing inside was dust and dashed hopes. That would have been a terrible movie, but it would have been a lot more true to life.

In 1981, Byron Preiss buried twelve keys around North America, in order to hype his then-upcoming fantasy novel, The Secret. Clues were, naturally, included in the book. But either Preiss was really good or really bad at writing them, because, as of June 2020, only two of the keys have been found. Meanwhile, no one's actually sure if the other ten keys even still exist.

See, Preiss died in a car accident in 2005, and his publisher went bankrupt shortly thereafter, effectively erasing the locations of the keys from the earth. Several hunters are pretty sure there's one in a park in Milwaukee - but 40 years is a long-ass time. The park in question has been changed substantially since Preiss may or may not have buried the key there, and the clues don't necessarily match up to real-world landmarks anymore. It's also entirely possible the container was straight up removed or damaged during renovations.

2

Lawsuits, Scandals, and Native American Appropriation

Fenn's buried treasure has, almost from the very start, raised some eyebrows. For starters, and much like that Kim Kardashian photo from a few years ago, the size of the booty was kind of bonkers. And any time you've got money heavy enough to slow a person down, real or otherwise, people are going to take that shit seriously.

In December of last year, Fenn was sued for $1.5 million by a man from Colorado who claimed that Fenn had "deprived him of the treasure through fraudulent statements and misleading clues." Others have also alleged that Fenn was "deliberately" diverting folks from the treasure chest's location. An Arizona man, meanwhile, recently filed a complaint stating that he had "solved the quest," and that Fenn's ability to actually "give title" to a treasure abandoned in the wilderness was, to use the legal term, horseshit.

That same Arizona man also raised some doubts as to the veracity of the treasure's recent discovery. "[Fenn] just got served with my lawsuit," he told the Santa Fe New Mexican, "and now we have this press release" announcing that the chest had been found. And Fenn's not the only one getting sued over his fortune. A real estate attorney in Chicago alleges that she, too, solved the quest, only to get hacked and beaten to the chest by her alleged hacker. She's filed a formal injunction to stop the unnamed defendant from claiming the treasure.

That, of course, is to say nothing of the fact that, like Indiana Jones before him, Fenn has allegedly made a living stealing historical artifacts from indigenous communities for his own personal gain. He's been accused of raiding the San Lazaro pueblo and hindering the anthropological research being done there. He also had his home searched by federal investigators looking for Native American artifacts said to have been illegally procured -- an accusation which Fenn denies. But, let's be real, the United States government hasn't exactly been great about caring about the things taken from the indigenous peoples of this country. In fact, the feds only seem to get involved in returning artifacts when shit's real bad, so ...

Paramount PicturesThat Chachapoyan fertility idol doesn’t belong to you, Indy.

1

Can Anyone Really Own Anything, Man?

For the sake of argument, let's assume that a purposely buried treasure both still exists and isn't comprised of illegally obtained artifacts or appropriated Incan gold. Let's also assume that it's hidden somewhere that doesn't involve a permit and a park ranger yelling at you, or an old man pointing a gun at your head. What then? You get to just, like, keep the treasure you find, right?

Well, maybe. Legal ownership of buried treasure is ... murky, to say the least. As mentioned earlier, British courts decided that the owner of the hidden fortune at the heart of The Hunt for the Golden Owl is the eventual finder of the buried fake owl, not the guy who actually has the actual golden owl sitting in his attic.

American law, meanwhile, is a little more convoluted. Though "finders-keepers" is largely the actual rule, there's a ton of other factors, too. Or, as one professor of law put it: "These cases are a mess." Distinctions are made between abandoned, lost, and mislaid property -- and buried treasure could be considered any or all of them, depending. The remarkably ambiguous "strength of the claim" is also considered, which could theoretically pit property owners against the children of the person who buried the treasure against the guy who solved the poetry puzzle.

Then there's the fact that there are different rules for different states and, of course, federal lands. And, as this dissection of the Goonies' legal claim to One-Eyed Willie's treasure explains, whether or not there's water involved makes a difference, too.

Warner Bros. Pictures"The court rules in favor of the plaintiff, but it is the decision of this body that first he's gotta do the Truffle Shuffle."

Oh, and let's not forget that buried treasure is taxable, according to the I.R.S. So much for easy money!

Eirik Gumeny once thought he found a treasure buried in his grandmother's backyard but it turned out to only be a very old horseshoe. He's the author of the Exponential Apocalypse series, which does not include any kind of secret puzzle, but is still a pretty good bunch of books. He's also on Twitter.