The Jedi Are A Bunch Of Hos

Search your feelings, you know the Jedi boned.
The Jedi Are A Bunch Of Hos

It's long been understood that Jedi aren't supposed to have sex, at least, that is what the semi-casual fandom (fan enough to know the movies inside and out, not fan enough to know if Plo Koon is circumcised ) might believe. Many practices of the Jedi Order mimic those of Buddhist monks, and with Anakin famously forced to hide his relationship with Padme, it is easy to think that celibacy is also one of those practices. However, George Lucas has offered some clarification on this saying, "Jedi Knights aren't celibate - the thing that is forbidden is attachments - and possessive relationships." It's a game-changing revelation. Not only does this mean that Jedi's aren't the whiny virgins that we thought they were, it means they are actually the ultimate fuckboys and fuckgirls.

Here we have a group of physically fit, stoic warriors, patrolling the galaxy like a bunch of sexy space cops. They're bound to find some space-strange after a quest or two and, after a night of saving the planet and subsequent love-making, they have the perfect card to keep the clingers away. "Sorry, I can't be your boyfriend. It's against my religion." And you know all the Jedi were doing this. It was fundamental to their way of life. Everyone from Obi-Wan to Revan of the Knights Of The Old Republic Series has a chronicled history of getting their freak on. Why do you think in The Mandalorian that Baby Yoda was all-alone on Arvala-7? It's because Yoda hit it and then quit it faster than you can make the jump to hyperspace.

The Jedi Are A Bunch Of Hos
"Suck or suck not; by morning I leave."

The mind reels at what this Holy Order of romantically detached horndogs could actually have been capable of. Was the Jedi Temple full of glory holes? Were lightsaber colors just a form of "hanky code," signaling the various fetishes of whoever wielded them? If that was the case then, dear God, what in the hell was Mace "I'm the only one who gets a purple lightsaber" into? And if the Jedi are supposed to be the noble ones, then what does that say about the Sith? Darth Maul obviously has had his fair share of group sex, but considering that Palpatine has been cloning himself for decades ... *vomits profusely*

Yes, the recontextualization of Jedi from simp to pimp is a disturbing one. But it's also probably more accurate, so next time you rewatch the prequels, don't feel so bad for Qui-Gon Jinn. He's probably getting his freak on in Jedi heaven.

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Top Image: Lucasfilm


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