It has recently come to our attention that you might be able to catch Coronavirus through farts. Apparently infected patients will shed fragments of the virus within their feces, meaning that "silent, but deadly" can now be used as a medical term. According to Dr. Norman Swan on the Coronacast podcast, it is everyone's responsibility not to pass wind close to another person and "that you don't fart with your bottom bare".
Frankly, I'm furious. Wearing a shirt with no pants and farting without restraint was the last thing I had left. If I can't walk around like Donald Duck and let one rip all over my roommate's Xbox controller, then I don't even know what it means to be an American anymore. If this means that I can't continue my morning ritual of jogging bare-assed in the streets while farting along to Metallica, then you might as well just tear up the Bill of Rights and use it to wipe my COVID-laced shits, because that document doesn't mean anything at this point. I mean seriously, does this look like the face of a societal menace to you?
It does? Hmm, okay, then maybe Dr. Swan has a point. Maybe I'll wear pants in public and only fart on my roommate's stuff when absolutely necessary. But this also got me thinking, what do we even call the act of wearing a shirt with no pants? Is it "Donald Ducking it?" Certainly it captures the frenetic energy of this moment and we can then call the act of farting while "Donald Ducking it" a "butt quack." Of course, then we miss out on "Fred-Flintstone-ing," while "dropping a Bedrock." And what then do we make of Squidward?
The mind reels. However, one thing is for certain: If you are concerned for the health of this country, then be careful not to fart while "Winnie-the-Poohing."
Yep, that's the one. Let's go with that.
Top Image: Walt Disney