Anybody who started 2020 with a "Dry January" has probably been itching to find new and exciting ways to binge drink, partly because nobody does a Dry January with the intention of making it a yearlong habit, and partly because *vaguely gestures at the TV*. But at the end of the day, alcohol is better when it's kept simple, whether it's a nice refreshing light beer, an elegant glass of wine, or a classic cocktail. Ina Garten, the Barefoot Contessa, knows this all too well, but that doesn't mean she can't make a mean cosmopolitan. And we mean mean.
Jesus H. Cocktail, that cosmopolitan is the size of the Empire State Building, but let's walk through this thing. She's starting off by saying one of her favorite traditions to uphold is a cocktail hour, but it's worth noting that she's releasing this video at like 11 in the morning on a Wednesday. Yeah, bars around the country are closed right now, but even if they were open, it'd probably be hard to convince (most of) them to launch any kind of promotions in that particular time block. Anyway, she's sure that many of us probably have all the ingredients at home anyway, which, a) bold of her to assume our liquor shelves look anything like hers and b) wait, yep, out comes the Grey Goose. At least, I think it's Grey Goose, I could never afford goodoverpriced vodka.
Now it's novelty time. If you thought your sister-in-law's "fun" 'I Just Want To Drink Wine And Pet My Dog' throw blanket and 'Drink Responsibly, Have A Nurse Present' wine glasses were extreme, wait until you see Ina Garten's cocktail shaker. It looks like an urn built to house Thanos' ashes. After she's finished struggling to shake the cosmopolitan mix like it's a tambourine made of lead and granite, she pours it into a giant martini glass that would make even Sean Connery's James Bond take a minute to stop and think about his life choices.
Throughout the video, Garten also peppers in a bunch of quaran-tini jokes which are frankly about as easy to make as a cosmopolitan recipe. She likes to make lots of cosmopolitan mix in case there's a bunch of people coming over -- but no! Nobody's coming over! Ma'am, you just took a fifth of Grey Goose and more lime juice than it takes to marinade a whole pork butt for carnitas, then dumped it all into a pitcher that's very clearly meant to be a large flower vase. It probably ain't just the coronavirus preventing your friends from dropping by.
But really, at this point, what else is there to do with your alcohol? "Go big or go home" only leaves you one option when you're drinking alone in your kitchen. The Barefoot Contessa has us all beat once again.
Isaac is on Twitter and Instagram @NotFunnyIsaac and has been totally sober for quite awhile now. Not even "Cali Sober," like actually sober.
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Isaac Cabe
