It's fair to say that the golden age of conspiracy theories is over. UFOs? Black helicopters? Area 51? Those days are done and dusted, and the only thing anyone wants to talk about today is how [insert politician/celeb/muppet here] is a pedophile and how phone towers are turning our brains to jelly. The weird thing, though? These aren't even the worst conspiracies out there ...
Remember when Australia was on fire for, like, several months? This isn't a hypothetical question; a lot of stuff has happened since then, and we need to check we're all the same page -- a page with the title "We're Going to Punch Whoever Said 'May You Live in Interesting Times' Square in the Dick."
In all, the fires -- which killed over 450 people, destroyed 3,500+ homes, and incinerated ONE BILLION animals -- were caused by climate change, an indisputable scientific fact that is going to continue dunking on us unless we get our crap together.
If you were to ask your local conspiracy theorist, however, they'd have an entirely different answer. They believe that the fires were nothing more than the work of arsonists doing their firebug thing, as evidenced by how (according to reliable news source Infowars) the fires coincided with 180+ people arrested for "deliberately" starting wildfires.
Wow, that's a massive weight off our minds! Of course, it's a little concerning that dozens of people seemingly decided for no logical reason to burn down an entire country, but we'll take the win for now.
Too bad it isn't true, though. When Snopes looked into these arrests, they found that 183 people had indeed been arrested for starting fires in New South Wales since November 2019. But, of those, the vast majority were arrested for improperly "discarding a lighted cigarette or match" (basically, smokers tossing their finished cigarettes without stubbing them out) or "failing to comply with a total fire ban" (which included two numbskulls who lit fires to make food). Out of 184 people, only 24 were arrested for deliberately setting their fires, and even then, we don't know what they were burning. We're betting, though, that if any of them had turned the country into the Fire Nation from Avatar, we'd have heard about that. They aren't just, "Yeah, whatever, mate," about crime in Australia, you know.
Again, every piece of evidence points to these fires being the result of climate change, not arsonists. The fire services know this, the police forces know this, and the scientists know this. So we ask you, which is more believable: that climate change, a real, observable scientific phenomenon typified by hot conditions, was responsible for starting a series of bushfires in a country that's basically a giant pile of tinder; or that climate change is a leftist hoax, the bushfires were a calculated mass arson plot to barbecue koalas?
Throughout the primaries, Pete "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg differed from the rest of the candidates riding this overstuffed clown car by appealing to everyone at the exact same time -- which is to say, he had the personality of a mannequin. We'd describe him as a blank slate, but that would imply he had substance, so we're going to settle for calling him the second person (after Jared Kushner) to fall into the uncanny valley.
It turns out, though, that conspiracy folk had their suspicions about Pete too -- namely that he wasn't who he said he was. A small-town mayor with big dreams? As if! In actuality, according to these nitwits, he was actually a plastic surgeried Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, the serial killer who between 1978 and 1991, murdered, dismembered, and cannibalized over a dozen men and young boys.
Milwaukee Police Dept.
Yeah, that's right. Jeffrey Dahmer is dead, but when has that ever stopped anyone running for Presid-- a lot? Okay, that makes sense. But still, check out the proof that they'd gathered together to follow this flushing toilet swirl: like this unconvincing newspaper clipping, ostensibly from 1998, which talks about how a young Buttigieg was arrested for strangling five dogs to death.
As Snopes helpfully pointed out, though, this clipping isn't genuine -- and was, in fact, created by a website which generates super-shitty-looking newspaper clippings for whatever reason you might a super-shitty-looking newspaper clipping for, like interfering in an election (apparently).
Of course, though, because this theory requires being a moron to believe it, it was quickly adopted by supporters of QAnon, leading to this frightening forensic-style analysis of both Buttigieg's and Dahmer's faces:
Which, honestly, is a level of technical skill that we didn't expect from them.
Much like Bernie Sanders, the now-ex-leader of the British Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, spent much of his time not just contending with right-wing demagogues, but also refuting countless smears, attacks, and lies thrown at him by those who believed that at any one time, he was in league with the IRA, AL Qaeda, ISIS, Mojo Jojo, Skeletor, and Joe Exotic.
In the days before last year's election, however, the political editor of The Sun, Tom Newton Dunn, decided to kick things up a whole notch factory by alleging that Corbyn wasn't just a hanger-on terrorist fanboy, but was himself sitting at the center of a "hard-left extremist network" comprising everyone from "intellectuals to militant groups and illegal terror organizations".
The information in this expose, however, wasn't gathered by Dunn, but rather a group of "ex-British intelligence officers" -- who after literal minutes of research, identified over 490 organizations and individuals that were involved in this conspiracy to make society, like, fairer and stuff. These included trade unionists to anti-war campaigners to anarchist groups to foreign guerilla groups to the philosopher Jacques Derrida -- who we were surprised to find was a part of Corbyn's terror network considering he died in 2004.
It was less an intelligence briefing, more a parody of the Pepe Silvia scene from that episode of It's Always Sunny, albeit with one crucial difference: while writing his board, Charlie didn't solicit the help of neo-Nazis.
In their haste to smear Jeremy Corbyn -- or as we're now referring to him, Corba Commander -- these "ex-intelligence" guys were clearly that because they'd built out their chart using information culled from The Millennium Report, an antisemitic conspiracy website, and Aryan Unity, which is exactly what it sounds like.
After Newton Dunn published his article, commentators not only rightfully tore it (and him) to pieces but pointed out that it bore an awful resemblance to the "Traitor's Chart" -- a similar conspiracy promoted by the bozos at Breitbart. They billed it as a map which revealed the extent of "cultural marxism", which has led to "the takeover by the hard left of every institution." You know, cultural marxism? That thing that was invented by the Nazis and only made a comeback thanks to a far-right terrorist who slaughtered dozens of children?
Before the day was out, The Sun had yanked the article off its site without explanation or apology.
On January 26, 2020, basketball legend Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna were killed -- along with seven other people -- when their helicopter crashed due to heavy fog outside Calabasas, CA. The nation was stunned, and immediately tributes began pouring for the legend and other victims. Within days of his passing, conspiracy theorists -- never one to miss out on a promotional opportunity -- started pimping the idea that the helicopter crash wasn't an accident at all, but instead a cold, calculated assassination for the purposes of ... screw it, you name it, all the motives are here.
According to the folks at QAnon, Bryant was 'silenced' in order to prevent him from revealing information that the sex cult predator elite wanted to keep secret -- or that he was assassinated in order to distract the public from the Trump's impeachment trial.
Some fans, meanwhile, started spreading the idea that LeBron James had Kobe murdered out of professional jealousy, which led to countless angry assholes taking to James' social media to call him a murderer.
Over on YouTube, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Pan-Africanism," Dr. Umar Johnson, posted a six-minute long video alleging that Bryant was assassinated by white supremacists. But not just any white supremacists, though! According to Johnson, Bryant was assassinated by white supremacists affiliated with the Illuminati, as evidenced by the "ritually symbolic" nature of his death -- which need we remind you, was a helicopter death.
As for why they would want to murder him, Johnson alleged that this was because Bryant was involved in a trademark lawsuit against a diet pill manufacturer who (he believed) was using his name illegally. Between the "ritual" helicopter crash and the diet pill stuff, honestly, we just feel a little sad for the Illuminati.
On the plus side, at least it can't get any dumber from here on ou--