You. Yeah, you, the one with the inexplicably expensive jeans and incredibly cheap red hat. This week, your very impressive and handsome president was forced to make some dumb announcement about taking the coronavirus epidemic seriously because, I don't know, Idris Elba caught it. (Or because over 100 people have died, whatever). But if you're an affluent American, you should know that that didn't apply to you. You can read between the lines, right? You know that when the very rich President of the United States says that people shouldn't gather in groups larger than ten...
... but does so surrounded by fifteen people, he's sending the message that these nanny-state rules only apply to the kind of losers who can't even cough up three measly months of saved wages to cover their missed Applebee's shifts. He knows that, like him, you're as likely to listen to self-quarantine guidelines as you're going to start paying your fair share of taxes. So instead, President Trump's been leaving not-so-subtle clues as to how other rich cool guys should operate during the looming pandemic. So throw away that dumb CDC pamphlet and immediately start following these Trump-approved COVID-19 protocols:
You're an important, rich guy (emphases on all of those words). COVID-19 hasn't changed that, so you need to keep acting like you own the place. So forget about Vulcan salutes and ruining your ten grand custom Italian shoes bumping feet. The world is yours. Touch everything. Shake everything. Lick everything.
In a clear message of "do as I do and not as I say," while President Trump was declaring the coronavirus national emergency Friday surrounded by the most powerful captains of industry in the country, he shook hands, squeezed shoulders and fondled the microphone 31 times. He did so having been in contact with infected officials and at the time refusing to be tested. Only one unbeliever insisted on doing an elbow bump instead of touching the divine decrepit hand, Bruce Greenstein. A former executive for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services? What does that guy know?
But that wasn't just a gross violation of containment guidelines, that was a power move to show Typhoid Trump's still in charge -- not some virus. Real Americans don't cotton to leftist nonsense like "social distancing." (Leave it to liberals to invent a restraining order against microaggressions.) You think a playboy like President Trump was going to stay inside and what? Talk to his wife and have Barron teach him the multiplication tables?
In the past few weeks, the president has spent more time going out, playing golf and posing for pictures with than he did attended CDC meetings. And sure, he might breathe in and out like his lungs are filled with bronzered pus, but our mighty leader tested negative on COVID-19, which definitively proves that the only kind of social distancing a rich person needs to do is keep reminding the overly familiar valet that their Mercedes is worth more than their shitbox of an apartment.