Seasonal business is rough: Haunted houses pack up on November 1, Irish people are only able to crossover into our dimension on St. Patrick's Day, and you can only run a Christmas shop between September and February. The rest of the year, you've just got a bunch of scary clowns and baby Jesus nativity dolls sitting around uselessly staring at you. That's why the California branch of a haunted house empire decided to put their idle clowns to work delivering Valentines this year. We've all inexplicably seen Joker, so we know what happens when clowns get restless. (They end up making movies like The Joker.)
The initial advertisement on the Ranch of Horror Facebook page was supposed to be a joke, but they underestimated the demand for bloody stuffed animals and black roses (which they really offer alongside the standard fare). They were soon so swamped with orders that they had to expand their delivery area, extend their delivery dates, and "call in more clowns," one of the most terrifying four-word phrases in the history of language. Those customers know what love is really about: Playing cruel tricks on your beloved and laughing when they pee. You can get a preview on Facebook if you're interested and/or brave.
That's Peddles, who can also arrive via pogo stick if physical horror is more your thing. His pal, Tiny, is said to have a "very sarcastic personality," while Blanco just silently stares at you, so you can choose the experience that will unnerve your sweetheart the most. If you're not a horror fan or just don't live in California for some reason but you still want to make your other half feel like a mere prop in a comedy routine that only you find funny, other deals available this Valentine's Day include custom messages recorded by Sean Spicer (who lacks the make-up, but is definitely clown adjacent) and official Baltimore Ravens Valentines.
It's the groaning '20s and everything must be ironic to the point of harm, up to and including paying Sean Spicer.
Please send Manna terrifying Valentines on Twitter.