Meet The Dystopian Toilet Designed To Make Work Suck

Corporations have already stagnated our wages and scaled back our vacation time -- now the corporations are coming for our poop time. Yes, now they want to saddle us with an office toilet tilted 13-degrees downward to put more pressure on our legs so we're less inclined to waste their precious company time on the toilet. Everyone was rightfully up in arms when word of the preferred toilet of the corporate hellscape first spread, but let's quell some fears: this demonic corporate narc toilet hasn't taken the office toilet world by storm just yet -- but it could one day, could so keep screaming about how much it blows in the mean time.

Someone on Etsy will make a fortune selling portable and discreet 13-degree seat cushions. StandardToiletSomeone on Etsy will make a fortune selling portable and discreet 13-degree seat cushions.

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The StandardToilet, as this shit-eating hell mouth is disturbingly named, is being considered for installation in bars, train stations, and anywhere else people like to park their asses for just a little too long. But its primary use will be to deter employees from retreating to a toilet stall to stare at their phones for too long. No one ever thought it was possible to create a bootlicking toilet, but here we are, on the verge of the year 2020, fearing the uprising of a toilet that sides with management over labor. The StandardToilet is the spiritual successor to the railings cities have been recently installing on bus benches to deter homeless people from sleeping on them. Having solved the problem of making life even more miserable for the homeless, all of the top minds in the chair industry and its offshoots have set their sights on the rest of us.

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If this thing makes it into offices, it'll surely become a hit among the soulless bosses of the world. It will mark the beginning of our slow descent into a poop dystopia where future iterations of this toilet will click down another degree every few years until it's a flat wall with a hole the size of a golf ball. Corporate bylaws will mandate that you stand, spread your cheeks, and smooch your anus onto its inglorious hole that drips with a sludgy waterfall of your coworker's shit. At some point between this feces wall and its highly influential ancestor that we were powerless to stop before it took over our office restrooms, a timed ejector seat will be briefly implemented, but quickly recalled. (And not because of the deaths caused by the high-velocity ejections, but because the ensuing mess was too costly to clean up.)

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!


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