Walmart Is Too Lame To Pull Off That Cocaine Snowman Sweater
Walmart is a square. A dork. A dweeb. It is utterly lacking in cultural cachet. It has so committed itself to embody the kind of blandness that everyone can blissfully ignore that even the benignly controversial can send it into a pearl-clutching, couch-fainting panic. The swiftness with which they reacted to the public discovery that they sell a novelty Christmas sweater featuring a snowman about to do rails of coke accompanied by the seasonally appropriate phrase "Let It Snow" proves this without a doubt.
It all began with Twitter user @Zorina_Baksh, who found the sweater on Walmart's Canadian website and got a kick out of it and its accompanying ad copy.
This kind of faux-risque stuff that has been so stepped on by the South Parks and Spencer's Gifts of the world that it's become rote and toothless. Getting worked up about it only reveals how truly, profoundly boring you are. So, when Wal-Mart caught wind of the garment, they smashed the big red button that activates their outrage response system and swiftly removed the controversial sweater from their site, blaming its appearance on a dirty, sinful third-party seller.
Wal-Mart lets people use their website as a portal to sell their own products, in the exact way Amazon does. So, if I can't get that sweater from Wal-Mart that will make all my coworkers think I'm a real Office Christmas Party Bad Boy, then maybe I can find it on Amazon, The Cool Stepdad of online retailers.
Unfortunately, a Christmas sweater featuring a character set to snort cocaine off of a blue table with its arms splayed out wide like it's about to hug the ya-yo as it's accompanied by the words "Let It Snow" is such a unique sweater print that Amazon only sells around 15 variations of it.
Let it snow with a reindeer. Let it snow with a pug. Let it snow with Santa. Let it snow with Donald Trump dressed as Santa. Let it snow with a llama wearing sunglasses. Let it snow with a cat. Let it snow with an elf. And, oh, there he is! Let it snow with the exact same snowman print from the Walmart sweater. Hell, you could even cut out the middleman and go straight to the source with a Pablo Escobar Christmas sweater.
The only reason this became a news story is because Walmart has a reputation of being so tragically bland that the faint controversy generated by their peripheral association with this stupid-ass novelty sweater convinced them that if they don't remove it forthwith, every single Walmart employee who stood idly by will have been culpable in the unraveling of America's social fabric. Silly Walmart, that's your job!
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!
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