Every Single Stupid Company Is Mega Horny (On Twitter)

In their constant effort to convince you that they're your Best Online Friends, corporate brands will try to humanize their online presence by jumping all over the latest memes. And when the "Name Something You Can Say During X And Y" meme caught on -- the joke being a phrase that works well in the two starkly different situations, one usually being sex -- it was only a matter of time before the brands got in on the fun and ruined it by highly sexualizing their corporate image. Netflix is primarily to blame for opening the floodgates, allowing the surreal onslaught of corporate Twitter accounts who are down to fuck.

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We're in an age of sex positivity, where kink shaming is itself shameful. So far be it from me to discourage anybody's sexual proclivities, but absolutely no one wants to think of Arby's as an unstoppable ramrod that, in the middle of plowing its partner, asks "Do you want more meat?"

No matter how much I remind myself that all these accounts are run by variations of the same 26-year-old living in a cramped apartment as they all try to figure out what the hell to do with their $200,000 marketing degrees, it's impossible to escape the idea that when @benandjerrys asked "Do you wanna take a lick?" in response to Netflix, that a couple of Vermont ice cream hippies had just asked all of us if we want to lick their dicks.

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Kettle Brand Potato Chips has a reputation of being that trustworthy, less commercialized alternative to the Lay's and Doritos of the world. They feel nicer, more comforting. Like a mom-and-pop chip vendor at a farmer's market.

But now I don't know how to feel since they've given me the greenlight to cram my arm so far up their asshole that the cusp of their anus will be mouthing my elbow like a snake eating a goat.

Some might view this trend of corporate brands passing themselves off as Regular Folks Like You by being wildly sexually appropriate on the internet (or by pretending to be depressed to more deeply connect with fans of orange flavored sugar drinks) as profoundly cynical emotional manipulation. And, yeah, it pretty much is exactly that! It's an evolution of the TV commercial. They're not trying to charm you anymore to get in your good graces. They're trying to convince you that they are you. They think like you, they emote like you, they live like you. For all intents and purposes, they are you, which is why they know that you can't wait to get drilled silly by Boston Market.

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Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!

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