Finally, There's A First-Person Jesus Simulator Video Game

Finally, There's A First-Person Jesus Simulator Video Game

A quick look at the "List Of Christian Video Games" Wikipedia page shows that biblically themed games are being made all the time. They hardly ever feature Jesus Christ himself, let alone make him a playable character, and usually have the production value of a mobile game laden with microtransactions that you suspect are funding terrorism both at home and abroad. Anyway, a game publisher by the name of PlayWay is dead set on proving to the world that you can make a game about the life of Jesus that doesn't look like it's going to give your computer a virus. They hope to do it with I Am Jesus Christ, the world's first first-person Jesus Christ simulator. Here's the trailer:

This footage seems like an animated proof of concept to give people a general idea of what the developers hope the game will be. That's not stated at any point in the trailer, which makes this trailer a lie, which is a sin, which means this game will burn in Hell.

The trailer promises that you'll be able to live out all of your favorite Bible passages, like Matthew 21:14 which reads, "The blind and the lame came to him." The trailer reveals a small taste of how this will be translated into gameplay, as Jesus 360 no-scopes the blindness off an old lady's face. From this we can assume he will also teabag the leprosy off the poor.

John 6:35 reads "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger." Jesus is the bread, and now you can be the bread too! We get a glimpse of how that'll play out when Jesus overflows a poor man's empty bucket with wet, floppy fish. What's not clear is what you'll be doing it between these small moments. Is this an open-world Jesus game where I can pull a guy off of his camel and ride it to a waypoint where I'll meet Peter who will eventually become an apostle after completing his companion quest? We have no idea. So far, the game is just a greatest hits of Jesus magic.

The trailer ends with Jesus on the cross and no discernible gameplay element to speak of other than just watching a man die for your sins through his own eyes. It's followed by Jesus opening the entrance to the cave in which he was buried. If the trailer is designed to give potential players a vague idea of what the gameplay will be like, then it will be an entire game made up of that gaming trope where you exit a cut scene, walk 10 feet, only to trigger another cut scene. But maybe that's not so bad. Maybe the teachings of Christ needed to be updated for modern audiences. Untold throngs of young impressionable minds will learn about the good that Jesus did when they hover the targeting reticle over a cup of water, and then press X to turn it into wine.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!

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