Tesla's Cybertruck Is The Car Of Our Dystopian Future

Marvel at its Paul Verhoeven-approved boxiness!
Tesla's Cybertruck Is The Car Of Our Dystopian Future

Throughout the 20th century, science fiction cooked up endless expectations of what the future would be like. To which all of us living in the near future of near 2020 always respond: "Where the hell is my jetpack?" What no one was ever going to ask, however, is: "Where's my dull, featureless rectangle-car from Timecop that's obviously a Subaru Justy covered in aluminum foil?" Nonetheless, Tesla has taken it upon itself to deliver us this cyber car, proudly proclaiming that the future is now -- and that it's an unhinged billionaire's playground.

"Why did I let my idiot brother Kimbal Musk design a car?

During Thursday's Tesla event, Elon Musk presented the company's brand new off-road electric vehicle: the futuristic Cybertruck. But its name isn't the only thing that recalls a lazy Knight Rider spinoff starring Hulk Hogan. Musk's truck, much like his views on labor practices, has a sheen of progressiveness that's actually firmly rooted in ideas dating back to the Reagan administration. Musk designed the truck itself based on him being inspired by the cyberpunk noir movie Blade Runner (also set in 2019). And it's hard to gauge what's more terrifyingly absurd, designing a solar-powered car based on as a genre where it's always dark and raining, or a billionaire CEO who openly admits being inspired by a fictional dystopia where soulless megacorporations rule the world and their founders are treated like mad gods living in cyber-ziggurats.

Keeping that in mind, the Cybertruck is actually well-specced to transport us into the future Musk wants us all to live. With its 250 mile range, the base model can roam far outside the megacities as you scavenge the wastelands of Old Boise, while its tow rating of 7,500 lbs. can easily clear debris while searching the ruins of the last well-ventilated factories. On-site, the truck can also serve as a mobile power unit, perfect for powering the electric fence of your compound. And when that fails after the Tesla randomly explodes, the vehicle's fire will act as a handy beacon for corporate soldiers to come rescue you.

The Cybertruck is also a speedy behemoth, reaching 60 mph in under 6.5 seconds while still sporting thick metal alloy. You'll barely feel it when the Tesla autopilot plows through three families of mole people. Heck, this fascist-looking armored vehicle is even allegedly bulletproof, an essential feature when fending off raiders, all heavily armed because well-funded Republicans managed to repeal all gun control in 2024 ...

Well, hmm. That will definitely hurt sales when the mobs of unemployed workers start rioting in the streets, angry at being replaced by androids programmed to
never unionize.

For more weird tangents and his vision on a Musk-less workers' utopia, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

For more, check out The Poster For Michael Bay's New Movie Is Pristine Stupidity and Holy Crap, 'Cats' Cost An Insane Amount Of Money.

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