The days are getting darker, the air colder, and Mariah Carey even richer, because 'tis already the season again. And so arrives 2019's first holiday movie, Last Christmas, which sees Mother of Dragons Emilia Clarke go from slaying peasants to sleighing through a winter wonderland. But if Clarke had only one wish for Christmas, it's for us internet dillholes to stop guessing the movie's plot twist.
Despite Universal Pictures rushing Last Christmas to the stage like a pushy Christmas pageant parent, social media sleuths had already long figured out the movie's big reveal. Which is, SPOILER ALERT, really easy to do. But this has ignited the burning fury of Clarke, who rightfully has a chip on her shoulder about naughty nerds nitpicking her work to death over minor plot holes and wayward coffee cups.
In an IndieWire interview (which, ironically, has massive spoilers for the ending of Game Of Thrones), the actor laments how the internet takes so much joy in trying to preemptively spoil endings, as if all of cinema is now a game of reverse Celebrity. But ignore those spoilsports, she pleads, since her November Christmas movie is "more complicated than people are guessing," and screenwriter Emma Thompson and her husband decided their movie based on a Wham! song "was only ready when their friends didn't see the twist coming." Which, unless all their Cambridge-educated chums never picked up a Dickens novel, is a load of yule logs.
Because while Clarke is absolutely right in pointing out how annoying it is that the internet is hellbent on proving how infinite monkeys with infinite Twitter accounts can ruin anything, that wasn't what spoiled Last Christmas' plot. Neither did the trailer, despite being one of those awful modern trailers that recaps the entire movie in two minutes, in the condescending Hollywood belief that audiences don't like to be intrigued during their toilet break. What preemptively spoiled Last Christmas is that it's a Christmas movie. Worse, it's one about a sad grouch who is visited by a handsome stranger whose mission it is to teach them the meaning of Christmas. Even if you've only ever had a Christmas movie described to you by a toddler, you'd still have the tools necessary to figure out that, SPOILER ALERT, you don't actually care what the twist is.
And that's fine! Who really minds having Christmas movies spoiled? They exist to be watched piecemeal over several decades' worth of afternoons in the haze of a tryptophan overdose. Nobody has ever passed on It's A Wonderful Life because they already know Clarence gets his wings in the end. Just like porn, you don't watch a Christmas movie with Emilia Clarke and Henry Golding for the plot; you watch it to see two hot people fall in love.
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