11,000 Scientists: Stop Killing The Planet, You Utter Morons

Why is this the first time we're hearing about this?
11,000 Scientists: Stop Killing The Planet, You Utter Morons

When driving through miles of smog on a scorching winter day, do you ever get the nagging feeling that there's something off about the weather? It's almost as if the climate going through a transformation -- a change, if you will. Well, finally, for the first time in history, the world's scientific community has come together to inform us that yes, there is sort of weird and totally new climate emergency. Who knew?

This week, a dire environmental warning was published in the academic journal Bioscience. Signed by 11,258 esteemed scientists from 153 nations, it states that our planet now "clearly and unequivocally faces a climate emergency." And sure, I guess I once heard someone on NPR say something about a climate crisis. But a climate emergency? That raises the stakes to completely the same level!

Fortunately, unlike other Nervous Nellies, the paper is also proactive in providing counters to this emergency. It's almost like these scientists have had generations worth of time to think up incredibly effective solutions! Solutions like, and get this, switching to renewable energy, cutting down on methane emissions, and placing health and education above profit. Why didn't we think of this before!? Quick, someone email this report to the UN so they can print out 2,000 copies on non-renewable paper.

While it's nice of the scientific community to finally chime in on this matter, honestly, it would've been great if they let us know a bit sooner. That info would've come in handy before Russia, the UAE, China, and the United States decided to wipe their cracks with the Paris Agreement and then clog a bunch of toilets with it. Or before the Brazilian government decided to let the Amazon Rainforest catch fire so that President Bolsonaro could have something even more valuable than a $100 bill to light his cigars with. But let's not dwell on the massively toxic past. The scientific warning, though dire, still assures us that things'll be fine as long we "promptly respond." So now that we finally know, the healing can begin immediately.

What's that? Scientists around the world have been talking about this for 40 years? The first major warning was in 1992? Just in 2017, over 15,000 signed their names to an almost-identical warning? And that number went down to 11,000 this year because 4,000 of them lived too close to the sea level? No no no, impossible. Our political and corporate overlords would never knowingly turn our planet into the inside of a popcorn bag out of sheer greed and apathy. Wait, they did know? And they're ignoring the issue out of self-interest, knowing their boomer bones will long be buried in the soured soil before the world crumbles? You don't say!

If that's true, the only recourse left is for us all to turn into adult versions of Greta Thunberg and take to the streets to hold those in power accountable for the catastrophic damage they are continuously inflicting on our planet. Change is possible, all we need to do is take charge and ...

Hmm? Sorry, I just looked outside at a squirrel spontaneously combusting and totally forgot what I was talking about. But don't worry, I'm sure the status quo will get its shit together before the 2020 doomsday message.

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