Sex has plenty of negatives -- the cleanup, the exhaustion, having to explain to a farmer what you were doing in their goat pen at 3 in the morning, etc. But most doctors agree that getting regular action can do the body a world of good. Well, most of the time. Other times, getting lucky can curse you with medical afflictions so weird and scary that you may as well have banged the devil himself. And who hasn't been there, right? ... R-right?
A Spanish woman almost died of anaphylaxis after having an allergic reaction to penicillin. Doctors managed to save her life despite not being able to figure just how a dose of penicillin could have gotten into her system. The answer is a little ... hard to swallow. The doctors discovered that the perpetrator was one of her recent hook-ups, a man who had delivered a small dose of amoxicillin (a close cousin to penicillin) into her system through an ... unorthodox transfusion: a blowjob.
Sherry Young/Adobe Stock
Traces of drugs can be present in spit, blood, and even hair follicles, but few studies have delved into how much they can accumulate inside that special fluid. It turns out that it can be enough to trigger a serious allergic reaction. Unfortunately for the annals of science, the understandably embarrassed woman skipped out on a follow-up appointment, which prevented doctors from confirming their suspicions that this may be the first confirmed case of its kind.
Thankfully, sperm allergy, a.k.a. seminal plasma hypersensitivity, is fairly rare, affecting between 20,000 and 40,000 people in the United States. But while the allergy mostly affects women (for whom handling sperm is pretty much always optional), sometimes men themselves can have it too. And the very few who suffer from it really suffer. Any skin that comes contact with ejaculate can experience swelling (bad timing), redness, itching, and a severe burning sensation. And some unlucky clumsy ejaculators may also get hives, difficulty breathing, and even anaphylaxis.
But many don't even need to make a mess all over themselves to experience the grave consequences. In a study conducted by Marcel Waldinger, a professor of sexual psychopharmacology (hands-down the university department with the best office parties) at Utrecht University, they observed that a whopping 88% of sperm-allergic male subjects also had an autoimmune response when no splashback occurred. The moment their sperm leaves the testicles, these men start getting postorgasmic illness syndrome, or POIS, and feel flu-like symptoms such as fatigue, sore throat, headache, fever, mood changes, and even memory or concentration problems (instead of just pretending to have all that stuff to get out of the awkward morning-after breakfast).
As opposed to some other body cavities, the vagina isn't equipped to inhale oxygen. So if a sexual partner accidentally blows into it, there's a small chance the air may find its way into the uterus. This can lead to (the very un-sexy) "sexual pneumoperitoneum," whereby the air takes a little-known shortcut through the Fallopian tubes into the abdomen. From there, air bubbles can freely travel around the body, blocking blood flow and potentially killing you dead.
Jacobs, Et. Al./JSLS
While sexual pneumoperitoneum is rare, the risk skyrockets when the woman in question is pregnant. After a 34-week-pregnant woman passed out while her husband was going down on her, she was rushed to the hospital, where she died of an embolism. During the autopsy, doctors noticed her "beaded" veins, and that "the blood of the heart had a frothy appearance." So hey, there's yet another nightmare about pregnancy for you. Add it to the vast collection.
While it seems like the kind of injury only tenth-level Kama Sutrists have to worry about, anyone with a minimum of one ball can have it wrenched off their body during sexual intercourse. It's called testicular torsion, and despite being a great name for a rock band, it does not rock.
During vigorous sex (and other, clothing non-optional activities), a testicle may rotate on itself, constricting the spermatic cord, which is what transports oxygenated blood into the testicle. Meaning testicular torsion slowly but steadily starts choking out the ball until ... well, here's how one urologist puts it: "To pick the apple you need to twist the stem until the apple comes off. That can happen with testicular torsion -- it's twisted until the testicle dies." So if your testes ever start swelling up or feel sore after sex, don't stop to high five all of your buddies on your way to the hospital. If caught in time, the tubes can be untied surgically, allowing your ball to live to be fondled another day.
In 2014, a 29-year-old man went to the hospital claiming that during an intense lovemaking session, he had blown out one of his eyes. Strangely, this wasn't the first time doctors had encountered this horrifying phenomenon. But what caused these men to fuck themselves blind? The Valsalva maneuver, which surprisingly is not the name of an advanced sex move, but a reaction caused by holding your breath and over-flexing your abdominal muscles.
It's usually something you do when trying to making your ears pop on a plane, but apparently also what some men do (unconsciously) to make their orgasms pop instead. The result, however, isn't very pleasurable. The sudden build-up of pressure caused by the flexing can greatly increase the blood pressure inside the eye, rupturing the blood vessel and causing blindness.
Michaels, Et. Al./Nat'l Institute of Health
Fortunately, the consequences are temporary and should subside on their own over time. So ... still better than pregnancy?
E. Reid Ross has a book called BIZARRE WORLD, that's due to be released in September. He's practically on his knees begging that you pre order it now from Amazon or Barnes & Noble and leave a scathing/glowing review.
For more, check out Why You're Having Worse Sex Than Your Ancestors - The Cracked Podcast:
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