"Investigation Of Gump To Continue In Hometown." Hmmm. The article's text reads: "Friends of Forrest Gump have been characteristically evasive in their conjecture regarding his actions. 'He never knew what he was doing' said [some guy]. Most people who grew up with him have strong opinions of him. Twelve out of twenty people would say only 'He's an idiot,' as if that should explain everything."
Huh, that's a weirdly accusatory tone for an article about a guy who got famous for running a lot. But what else could this "investigation" be about? Despite secretly influencing some of the most important events in the 20th century, Forrest is still relatively anonymous. The people on that bench have no clue who he is. Why is that?
Well, aside from his cross-country run and being great at ping pong, the most noteworthy thing Forrest has done is stumble ass-backwards into a fortune by founding the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Forrest is a millionaire by now ... Or is he?