If you have a penis and, at any point in your life, you've stared down at it and wondered if you should pay $50,000 surgically enlarge it, know that a new study reveals that you're probably better off buying smaller versions of everyday objects (see: random twigs, cigarillos, juvenile zucchinis) that you can hold next to it to make it look bigger. That's because 80% of people who get penis enlargement surgery end up dissatisfied with the results -- or worse, with a damaged penis.

Science To Men: Please Don't Get Junk Enlargement Surgery
Getty/nedim_b
"It fits comfortably into most power outlets now. So it's not all bad."

If you're still willing to roll the dice on a penis charlatan preying on the insecure even after reading that, then you better be willing to put up with a little bit of "penile deformity, shortening, and erectile dysfunction," according to the study. So you're much more likely to end up with a malfunctioning stub of a doodle that looks vaguely like the Elephant Man's head instead of a hulking beast that could kick-start a lucrative porn career. Caveat emptor times a thousand here, folks.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. And check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's Goop parody BunnyEars.com.

For more, check out Bethesda Accused Of Stealing From 'Dungeons And Dragons' and Louis CK Lures Strangers Into Dark Room, Insists On Secrecy.

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