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Leeches!?
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JM McNab
Fans are the lifeblood of the entertainment industry (and to a lesser extent, the restraining order industry). But some fans aren't content to simply watch their favorite shows; they also need to be part of the action, no matter how nightmare-inducing. We're talking about fan projects like ...
Live-Action Futurama Is Disturbing As Hell
Live-action versions of beloved cartoons don't always work. Sure, Disney's blockbuster remakes are popular, but watching real-life Spanish Simpsons parodies will likely result in your death within seven days. Still, dedicated fans pooled their resources to bring the world of Futurama to ... well, whatever-sized screen that people watch fan films on. The half-hour production Fan-O-Rama is extremely impressive, yet also completely terrifying. Sure, it nails characters like Fry and his robo-pal, Bender.
But then things take a left turn into scary town when Leela shows up sporting her trademark one eye ... and for some reason, two eyebrows.
And then there's Professor Farnsworth, who looks like the embalmed corpse of steampunk Christopher Plummer. Which isn't good news for anyone.
And if you thought that was the most upsetting mask, meet live-action Dr. Zoidberg. The beloved animated crustacean becomes a Cronenbergian nightmare creature whose eyes betray an unspoken lust for the sweet release of death.
Still, you can't fault the filmmakers behind the project, as they faithfully imitated a cartoon that was never intended to be dragged into the harsh spotlight of reality.
Related: All Glory To The Hypnotoad: An Oral History of Futurama’s Mind-Altering Amphibian
Shrek Retold, The Fan Film That Will Test Your Sanity
Instead of being banished from our consciousness forever, for some reason, Shrek has become a Millennial touchstone. The story of a crudely rendered CGI ogre and his donkey buddy lives on through unpleasant memes, and now in batshit crazy fan films. Like with Star Wars Uncut and Our RoboCop Remake, Shrek Retold is a full-length version of the 2001 movie, but made by a multitude of fans, who each got a small piece of the story to do on their own. The result is a patchwork of diverse styles. The final film is comprised of weird animation ...
Smash Mouth unending screams*
... shirtless dudes painted green parading through parking lots with a dead-eyed nightmare version of Donkey ...
... awkward puppet shows ...
... and, well, whatever the hell this is:
All of which may seem jarring and unpleasant, but it's surprisingly slightly more watchable than the original (due to the noticeable absence of Smash Mouth).
Related: Fan Creations That Went For It, All Of It
Mario Warfare -- The Murder-Filled Nintendo Movie
Live-action Mario doesn't always work out so well, lest we forget the 1993 movie that felt like watching a VHS copy of Blade Runner repeatedly throw up on your SNES. So the material was ripe for fans to run with -- and run they did. While the story of a middle-aged plumber who uses magic mushrooms to escape into a monster-filled fantasy land could easily make for a quirky drama, one fan decided that Mario should be reworked in the action genre. The web series Mario Warfare is a hyper-violent version of the beloved video game, with human versions of familiar characters murdering the shit out of each other. Such as a slick, fedora-clad Toad.
Who is promptly killed, presumably because he had no go-kart to escape in.
We then meet Mario and Luigi, who are unclogging filthy toilets when they aren't kicking ass.
They eventually meet Princess Peach at some kind of underground fight club -- which may have happened in Super Mario 2, it's hard to remember.
This paves the way for an epic final battle in which they have to strangle Wario to death.
And Luigi goes apeshit with a giant Gatling gun.
Yes, it's insane, needlessly bloody, and features mustaches so fake you can almost hear Sam Elliott weeping. But what would you rather watch: Mario Warfare, or a movie where Mario fights fascist dinosaurs led by King Koopa and his raging coke habit?
Related: Nintendo Direct Announced An Avalanche Of Rad Remasters
The Jerry Seinfeld Program Is Seinfeld On Mescaline
The original Seinfeld got dark at times. They killed off George's fiancee, the gang was almost murdered by Nazis, and Newman was disemboweled by a dinosaur after changing his name and entering the IT business. Still, a group of comics evidently thought the show could go even darker. The anti-comedy web series The Jerry Seinfeld Program started out normally, with comedians Dan Klein and Arthur Meyer playing the roles of Jerry and George, albeit in front of an unconvincing green screen and using an absurdly unconvincing bald cap. Yeah, he's pretty much the Bizarro John Travolta.
At least they finally delivered on the "show about nothing" premise.
Then as the show progressed, things got ... grim. If you thought the Seinfeld finale was a bummer, at least it didn't end with Jerry flatlining in a hospital bed, followed by a despondent George guzzling rat poison and locking hands with his dying friend.
Keep in mind, this was just the penultimate episode. The final entry in The Jerry Seinfeld Program was literally nothing but a silent, prolonged shot of George and Jerry's corpses.
Of course, if we were going to off Jerry Seinfeld, choking on a bag of airline peanuts has a certain O. Henry-like irony. But then again, who are we to judge?
Related: What's The Deal With Jerry Seinfeld and Superman?
These Monsters Inc. Shorts Will Give You Nightmares
Pixar movies are generally rather upsetting. There's everything from Woody, Buzz, and the gang almost being incinerated in Toy Story 3 to the opening ten minutes of Up, in which we see that sweet old man get away with murdering his wife. Somehow Monsters Inc. (despite the fact that it has the word "monster" in the title) is one of the less disturbing Pixar movies. But not anymore. A YouTuber decided to make a series of Monsters Inc. shorts, and they're ... upsetting. The first one is just a harmless song. At first.
Then come the crazy visuals. Like, the hallucinations you get after eating week-old Taco Bell that's been doused in peyote.
We're not exactly sure what's happening here. Presumably, Mike and Sully discovered that Monstropolis is best powered not by the screams or laughter of children, but by the discomfort and confusion of the internet.
In another video, Mike and Sully make a bunch of money selling T-shirts. Soon it's raining dollar bills, one of which cuts their friend Roz's wrist.
Which causes them to almost drown in her blood.
Related: 13 Old-Timey Photos That Will Give You Nightmares (Part 3)
Look Upon The Live-Action Ninja Turtles Fan Films, If You Dare
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aren't, by themselves, disturbing (with the exception of the fact that they're constantly consuming pizza in an underground hovel surrounded by feces). But importing them into the real world runs the risk of treading into unpleasant territory. As we've mentioned before, the third movie, without the help of the Jim Henson Company, turned our beloved heroes in half-shells into grimacing monsters.
Still, that hasn't stopped fans from trying this on their own, such as with the currently in-production Ninja Turtles: Blood Brothers. Judging from the trailer's depiction of a gun-toting, booze-guzzling Bebop and Rocksteady, it will be impressively grotesque.
Other Turtle-related fan projects seem a bit trickier. Like, apparently it's tough to stage fight scenes dressed in a homemade Raphael costume.
The parodies may even be creepier. For instance, there's the comedy short The Turtles, which reimagines April O'Neil as a stripper and one of the Turtles as a leering patron. And here you were thinking Michael Bay was going to ruin your childhood.
Then there's the webseries, April And Splinter, which finds the titular ace reporter and filthy mutant rat hanging out in the Turtles' absence. In one episode they decide to throw a dinner party, and April gets grossed out that Splinter's tossing the salad with his rat hands.
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter!
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For more, check out 4 Fan Fiction Subgenres So Weird They're Inspiring - Cracked Responds:
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Related: 'Ninja Turtles' Movies Work Best When Not Played For Laughs
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