6

The Mummy Was Hijacked By Tom Cruise

Imagine if all the Marvel Cinematic Universe amounted to was one Iron Man movie and a photoshopped image of movie stars posing as if they were a hip new law firm. That's what happened to Universal's "Dark Universe," the failed attempt to launch a franchise around its classic movie monsters. Part of the problem was that the premiere film was a borderline incomprehensible remake of The Mummy starring Tom Cruise (and the barely audible sound of Brendan Fraser chuckling with satisfaction).

What The Hell Happened:

The Mummy felt like being stuck inside of Tom Cruise's ego-driven fantasies. And it turns out there's a good reason for that. Cruise basically took creative control of the production, and because he was a big star dealing with a first-time director, everyone just let him. After all, the studio saw Cruise as the Robert Downey Jr. of this new franchise.

To start with, Cruise brought in his own screenwriters to rework the story, making his part bigger and the actual Mummy's smaller. The writers were so dedicated to flattering him that his character is described as a "young man," even though everyone knew the part was being played by an (admittedly spry) 54-year-old. This could also explain why Cruise's defining characteristic is that he's super good at sex. And remember how he becomes the Mummy at the end of the movie?

Universal Pictures"Have me get bit by a bat in the last scene. I want to leave the door open to being Dracula too."

5

Holmes & Watson Was Supposed To Come Out Ten Years Ago

Missing the revisionist Sherlock Holmes trend by several years, the alleged comedy Holmes & Watson, starring Will Ferrell as the famous detective and John C. Reilly as his also-famous sidekick, quickly became best known for inspiring walkouts all over America. Maybe in our divided political times, complete disdain for this movie is exactly the unifying force we need.

What The Hell Happened:

The movie was a much more novel idea when it was first in development back in 2008. Originally it was going to star Sacha Baron Cohen, with Ferrell as Watson -- which makes way more sense, considering Cohen has a more Holmes-like profile. And keep in mind, this was before everybody started hammering out fresh takes on the Holmes canon. Holmes & Watson was actually being developed before Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes movie, and this was two years before Sherlock first aired, and four years before Elementary. In fact, it was Ritchie's project that delayed Ferrell's movie, because they didn't want to compete with a less-comedic, far sweatier version of the character.

4

Angry Parents And Cheapness Ruined The Ninja Turtles Series

The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a legitimately good movie. Seriously, it's dark, gritty, and features future Oscar winner Sam Rockwell as one those wayward teens who turned to crime and martial arts, which was apparently a big problem in the '90s. As for the sequels, they weren't as great. Like, palling around with Vanilla Ice not-great

3

Star Trek V -- William Shatner Used A Clause In His Contract To Make An Insane Mess

It's no secret that the Star Trek movies are hit and miss. For every Wrath Of Khan, we get a movie with a goddamn dune buggy chase. But the worst offender might be Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Fan dances aside, it's a mostly terrible story about Spock's half-brother hijacking the Enterprise to meet God. Who turns out to be a dickish alien. Then it ends.

What The Hell Happened:

Well for starters, the movie was directed by William Shatner. Why? Because Shatner had a clause in his contract dating back to the original series ensuring that whatever Leonard Nimoy got, he did too. So after Nimoy directed Star Trek IV, like a toddler fighting for a toy, Shatner insisted that he get a turn. They also let Shatner write the story, and at the time he was obsessed with televangelists. So for some insane reason, he decided that was what the movie should be about.

The role of the bearded Vulcan villain, Sybok, was originally written for Sean Connery, whom Shatner wanted so badly that he named one of the film's planets "Sha Ka Ree." Connery ended up making Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade instead. Shatner's ideas were so wacky that he pretty much alienated everyone involved (including creator Gene Roddenberry, who contacted a lawyer about stopping it), but his "mantra" was "Trust me, it's going to work."

Yeah, it didn't. Shatner's initial story (titled "An Act Of Love") found Sybok (who originally rode a fucking unicorn) tricking the Enterprise crew (except for the brilliant Kirk) into going to meet God. But "God" turns out to be the literal Devil! And in the end, a horde of angels "morph into demons" and attack Kirk. But since that whole concept was too expensive, instead Shatner came up with the idea that he should fight ten rock monsters. That was also too expensive. So instead they made just one rock monster.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount PicturesThen, for good measure, they had it move in a way that made the Gorn look like Jackie Chan

2

Man Of Steel -- The Filmmakers Spent A Lot Of Time Figuring Out How Superman Could Commit Murder

People expecting the comforting doo-goodery of Superman were a little taken back by Man Of Steel. Instead of chivalry and getting nude in phone booths, audiences got murder, carnage, and Russell Crowe riding a dragon around a planet comprised of prog rock album covers.

What The Hell Happened:

The most divisive moment in the film comes toward the end, when Superman kills his enemy Zod, snapping his neck as if he were a common Steven Seagal henchman.

So where did this controversial idea come from? The movie originated with Christopher Nolan and writer David Goyer while they were working on the Dark Knight trilogy. The pair began talking about how to approach Superman in a "modern context." Soon Zack Snyder came aboard as director, and he and Goyer really thought that Superman should kill someone. Why? Because, insanely, Snyder was bothered that Superman's "aversion to killing is unexplained." Yeah, Christopher Reeve's Superman never even dabbled in slaughtering criminals, how would he know he wouldn't enjoy it? Snyder thought they needed a story to explain why Superman doesn't murder people.

1

The Story Behind Gotti Should Be A Movie

To be considered one of John Travolta's worst efforts, a movie has to be rather turd-rific. This is the guy who starred in Battlefield Earth, Wild Hogs, and at least one godawful Christmas-themed music video. But somehow Gotti rose to the challenge. An amazingly sloppy chronicle of the head of the Gambino crime family, it somehow scored an impressive 0 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and made less than half of its modest budget back.

What The Hell Happened:

This goddamn movie was Travolta's passion project for seven years. It began with John Gotti Jr. and a bunch of producers, who for some reason lacked "Hollywood connections." Originally the story was going to focus on the entire Gotti family, co-starring Joe Pesci and Lindsay Lohan as Travolta's daughter, who presumably would use her mob powers to scream at homeless children. Unfortunately, the producer went to prison for fraud, and was then sued by Pesci, who allegedly gained 30 pounds for a role in a movie that never had proper financing.