If you do lose weight after all that, uh, shit, it's not because you're shedding fat, but rather because you're losing so much water. And yes, shitting yourself into dehydration is technically all-natural, but so are the accompanying headaches, fatigue, and inability to concentrate. People are spending $30 to make themselves miserable for a month. But the confusion is understandable, given that the products are shilled with lines like "Kickstart your healthy lifestyle" and "Wellness starts here." It's like a gym session in a glass, supposedly, except for the part where that's impossible. It all sounds so stupid in isolation, but when an army of likable hot people are endorsing it, can you blame folks for being interested?

If you're gonna turn your body into a 24/7 poop cannon, maybe keep the tea a smidge farther away from your ass.

The same logic applies to other "cleanses," by the way, like juice cleanses or the celery juice fad (celery, the notorious diva of vegetables, refuses to work with the other juices). They start from the false premise that your body is swimming in toxins, then say that you can combat those nonexistent evils with some pseudoscientific nonsense that does more harm than good. Remember, if the only evidence being offered up is that a miracle weight loss method is "all natural," it's also all natural to scream obscenities at your body fat until it withers away in shame. But that doesn't mean it's effective -- at least not until we find a way to sell it as a $29.99 package.

Though comparable to the ill-conceived Hit In The Mouth With A Baseball Challenge.

Sucking creates negative pressure and fills your blood vessels. This creates decidedly non-sexy swelling, and can also break the vessels and produce bruising. If you only suck for 30 seconds, the effects should be minor, but if your sucking drags on for over a minute, you could suffer gross discoloration for a couple of weeks, or even long-term damage in the form of pigmentation and scarring. And you don't end up looking like Kylie Jenner, no matter how well it goes.

There are plenty of safe and affordable ways to plump up your lips if you feel the need to look like you've been stung by bees, but in a sexy way. Shot glasses, meanwhile, should only be used to pound back whiskey and mutter about what a day you've had to your disinterested cat, the way the manufacturers intended.

This is a problem compounded by the fact that people are buying unregulated masks online, where maybe the sellers are ethical skincare lovers, or maybe are Chinese factory owners looking to make a quick buck off dumb foreigners. There are stories of people assuming "Well, charcoal is charcoal" and then giving themselves chemical burns.

If you think you need a peel, talk to a licensed esthetician or dermatologist, who will help you figure out what's right for your skin without torturing it like you need it to spit out nuclear codes. Anything that you can accomplish with a charcoal mask can also be accomplished with products that don't transform you into a low-rent Batman villain by ripping part of your face off.

Oh right, because that would involve setting your goddamn hair on fire. This has actually been a hair care tactic in Brazil since the '60s. When done properly, it involves twisting up a tight strand of hair, then running a lit candle over it to burn off the split ends that stick out, supposedly improving the look of your hair without affecting its length. But then trendy Americans learned about it thanks to a supermodel's Instagram account, and shockingly, they are not doing it properly.

Or not as properly as one can reasonably manage when lighting yourself on fire.

Let's make the assumption that people are going to professionals instead of playing around with a lighter and their own head in the comfort of their own flammable homes. In that case, uh, dropping 200 bucks and two hours of your life on this treatment is still a lousy idea. It weakens your hair, dulls its color, and likely creates as many split ends as it removes. Shockingly, it turns out that the human body does not benefit from direct exposure to fire. Unless you happen to be a Brazilian supermodel who's held to extremely specific beauty standards, get a damn haircut and move on with your life.

Why spend $45 on three packs of "citrus flavored vitamin B12 mist" when you could buy a bottle of vitamin pills for $10? Well, the real reason is that there's a huge market for vaping products, but also concerns over the long-term impact of their use, and having attractive, hip women pose with your product makes for easy advertising of a "healthy" alternative. But the stated reason is always some crap about vaping providing a relaxing aromatherapeutic environment wrapped in claims broad enough that the FDA can't tell them to stop spewing bullshit.

Manufacturers also like to point to a few vague studies from the 1960s that hinted at the benefits of inhaling vitamins, because we all know that medical science peaked in the '60s and has been on a rocky downhill slide ever since.

... And yet we suddenly want to buy a box. Go figure.

In reality, the science on vaping is still so preliminary that we don't know what all the other crap -- the flavoring, the propellant, etc. -- does to your lungs in the long term. Vaping is also so thinly regulated that companies are under no obligation to use the ingredients they say they are in their "personal diffusers" and "aromatherapy sticks." It's like if vitamin pill manufacturers started pushing for you to eat the plastic bottles their pills come in, just in case that somehow helps. Whenever the best-case scenario is "nothing happens" you've found a fad you should skip.

Check out the follow Mark on Twitter challenge and the buy Mark's book challenge.

Support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out The Worst Instagram Account Ever:

The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).

Follow us on Facebook. What's the worst that could happen?