5 Trendy Tips You Find on Instagram (That'll Ruin Your Life)
Instagram is full of tips on how to get fit, get hot, and generally become a superior human being entitled to gaze down with disgust upon the unwashed Twitter masses. But with zero scientific oversight, actual tips like "Make peace with going to the gym three times a week" can be overshadowed by dumb fads like "Lose weight by injecting snake venom directly into your anus!" So please, for the love of god, do not attempt any of the following, unless you want your picture to end up in a Baby Boomer Facebook meme group called "This is whats wrong with kids these days!!!!"
Detox Teas Are Terrible For Your Body
You can't live off of Likes, so Instagram personalities endorse products. That's fine in theory, but many influencers have lower standards than Krusty the Clown, which brings us to detox teas.
If you do lose weight after all that, uh, shit, it's not because you're shedding fat, but rather because you're losing so much water. And yes, shitting yourself into dehydration is technically all-natural, but so are the accompanying headaches, fatigue, and inability to concentrate. People are spending $30 to make themselves miserable for a month. But the confusion is understandable, given that the products are shilled with lines like "Kickstart your healthy lifestyle" and "Wellness starts here." It's like a gym session in a glass, supposedly, except for the part where that's impossible. It all sounds so stupid in isolation, but when an army of likable hot people are endorsing it, can you blame folks for being interested?
Though comparable to the ill-conceived Hit In The Mouth With A Baseball Challenge.
Sucking creates negative pressure and fills your blood vessels. This creates decidedly non-sexy swelling, and can also break the vessels and produce bruising. If you only suck for 30 seconds, the effects should be minor, but if your sucking drags on for over a minute, you could suffer gross discoloration for a couple of weeks, or even long-term damage in the form of pigmentation and scarring. And you don't end up looking like Kylie Jenner, no matter how well it goes.
There are plenty of safe and affordable ways to plump up your lips if you feel the need to look like you've been stung by bees, but in a sexy way. Shot glasses, meanwhile, should only be used to pound back whiskey and mutter about what a day you've had to your disinterested cat, the way the manufacturers intended.
Related: 20 Ingenious Mother's Day Gift Ideas
Charcoal Masks Hurt Like Hell And Irritate Your Skin More Than They Help
Most facial creams and masks wash or peel off with about as much resistance as wet cardboard. Charcoal masks, however, fight removal like they're being unlawfully evicted from their homes, so getting the damn things off stings badly. That is supposedly the appeal. Pain is nothing but ugliness leaving the body, right? Do you think looking hot for the internet is a game?
Yes, gluing charcoal to your face and then ripping it off does remove dirt, blackheads, and other gunk. But you're also taking off a layer of protective skin and hair, leaving you vulnerable to irritation, discoloring, hypopigmentation, permanently enlarged pores, and scarring. Despite Instagram-friendly motivational slogans, if you're feeling pain in your beauty regimen, it's not because you're giving 210 percent to create the best you; you're just doing it wrong. Some people have even ripped their damn eyebrows off.
This is a problem compounded by the fact that people are buying unregulated masks online, where maybe the sellers are ethical skincare lovers, or maybe are Chinese factory owners looking to make a quick buck off dumb foreigners. There are stories of people assuming "Well, charcoal is charcoal" and then giving themselves chemical burns.
If you think you need a peel, talk to a licensed esthetician or dermatologist, who will help you figure out what's right for your skin without torturing it like you need it to spit out nuclear codes. Anything that you can accomplish with a charcoal mask can also be accomplished with products that don't transform you into a low-rent Batman villain by ripping part of your face off.
Burning Your Hair Will, Spoiler Alert, Damage It
Veteran readers know that Cracked has long railed against the endless evils of split ends. Methods designed to defeat them seem infinite, but so too does their resolve to return and haunt us anew. Any victory in the forever war is fleeting. But what if we could just burn the bastards away in a cleansing fire?
Oh right, because that would involve setting your goddamn hair on fire. This has actually been a hair care tactic in Brazil since the '60s. When done properly, it involves twisting up a tight strand of hair, then running a lit candle over it to burn off the split ends that stick out, supposedly improving the look of your hair without affecting its length. But then trendy Americans learned about it thanks to a supermodel's Instagram account, and shockingly, they are not doing it properly.
Vitamin Vaping Is BS, Might Hurt Your Lungs
"Vitamin vaping" sounds like a terrible SNL sketch about millennials, but it is a very real, very stupid product brought to you by VitaminVape, VitaStik, BioVape, NutroVape, and other companies with names that will make you want to punch the screen you're reading them on.