5

An Instagram Model Decided It Would Be A Good Idea To Film Herself Throwing A Chair Off An Airbnb 45 Stories Up

Let's go straight to the nerve-wracking GIF!

Lisa CalderonThankfully, there was no need for a follow-up post sending thoughts and prayers to the multi-car pileup victims, though we wouldn't have put it past her.

That's Marcella Zoia, and that's the good city of Toronto having a chair flung at it like it's in the late stages of a Wall Street drama meltdown. Oh, but that clip doesn't show the whole context. You see, she uh, also threw a second chair, and some other miscellaneous crap.

Zoia was charged with endangering life, endangering property, and being a common nuisance, the last of which could arguably be applied to every influencer. While she awaits trial, she's been ordered to live with her mother and avoid contact with the four people who were with her, because it turns out there were four other people on the scene, and none of them pointed out "Holy shit, this could kill someone."

So what the hell was she thinking? That remains unclear, although Zoia's lawyer has attributed the incident to peer pressure and a momentary lapse in judgement. And hey, who hasn't been pressured to do something stupid by their friends? Maybe the stress of her young career was getting to her. We all make mistakes, right?

4

Instagram's Boiling Water Challenge Sent People To The Hospital

Remember the latest polar vortex, or as it's known in Canada, winter? There's not a lot to do for fun during a long stretch of bitter cold and darkness, especially once you run out of rum. So social media came up with the "Boiling Water Challenge," even though the true modern social media challenge is to just do something online without making it sound like you need to prove yourself in some fierce gladiatorial struggle. Despite having the kind of sarcastic name a frustrated mother would impart when telling her family to make their own damn spaghetti for once, the Boiling Water Challenge consists of boiling a pot of water, then trudging outside to throw it into super cold air, whereupon it freezes into snow.

It's also the perfect tie-in for influencers with marketing deals for burn salve.

It looks pretty cool, and it's hashtag-friendly. But when it's not done right, it becomes the Oh God, We Need To Immediately Find The Nearest Hospital Challenge. At least eight people have discovered this after they accidentally splashed boiling water on themselves or loved ones. Patients ranging in age from 53 to, ugh, three have been treated for burns on their hands, arms, faces, and feet. Sometimes a gust of wind comes out of nowhere, sometimes an unsupervised child wanders too close, and sometimes people who feel the need to throw boiling water into the air for social media attention have the sort of general ineptitude that you'd expect.

#Scalding, #BurnWard, and #AAAHHHHH seem notably absent.

So as great as it might be for your brand to remind your followers of elementary school science, emergency room doctors who definitely have better things to do with their time are encouraging people to not throw boiling water around, even though their favorite influencer made it look neat. Besides, you also have far more important things to do, like continuing your crucial Read Cracked Challenge.

Related: 7 Viral Stories That Had Twists Nobody Remembers

3

Multiple Influencer "Workshops" Have Failed Spectacularly

Influencers exist to provide lifestyle porn. We know that their lives aren't really like what we see on their feeds, but shit, wouldn't it be nice to live like that? Even if it's not 100 percent accurate, they must be doing something right to find themselves the subjects of intense adoration while they lounge around on all those beaches and penthouse patios. So when they offer workshops on how to be more confident or enhance your creative output or use filters more effectively or whatever the fuck, their fans don't see the harm in paying to attend. Maybe they'll learn something! Whatever the case, they get to spend a few precious hours inside the fantasy, right? But the fantasy collapses if the influencer is revealed to be greedy, naive, and generally kind of terrible.

2

A Whole Bunch Of Influencers Used California Wildfire Hashtags For Shameless Self-Promotion

Brands are generally smart enough to avoid piggybacking off of human misery. Crayola might feel the need to offer their condolences to, say, the victims of a devastating wildfire, but they won't add in a reminder that burnt sienna is a versatile color capable of capturing all the destructive horror. But if you're an influencer who lacks self-awareness and/or a soul, a crisis is merely another opportunity to sell yourself. Because you need to be selling yourself all the goddamn time.

1

Kendall Jenner Teased A "Raw" And "Moving" Personal Announcement Which Turned Out To Be An Ad For Acne Cream

Kendall "We can solve racism with Pepsi" Jenner has 27.5 million followers, and is the world's highest-paid model. But it's easy to see how she can inspire so many people. After all, she hasn't forgotten her humble beginnings as a high-profile celebrity scion. In a 30-second video teasing some kind of personal announcement, Kendall said, with genuine emotion in her voice, "When I was 14 I couldn't reach as many people as I can now. Now that I'm 22 and I have this whole thing behind me, I can speak to so many people and be like: I can help you, and it's OK. I experience it, and I'm very normal. And I understand you. I can connect with you, and try and help."

This seems like a lot of backstory for someone we always assumed was conceived in a focus group.

That clip was followed by the message "Connect With Kendall" and a date. Wow, what she going to talk about? Bullying? Mental health? Charity? Whatever it was, her own mother was telling the world that she was being "brave and vulnerable," and that her "raw story" would have a "positive impact" on countless others.

The reveal continued to be built up over the following days. Fans would be "moved," and there were vague hashtags like #changetheconversation, #authenticity, #shareyourstory, and #bethechange. Speculation grew. Was Jenner coming out about an eating disorder? About her sexuality? About a sexual assault? Holy shit, had Kendall Jenner solved the Israel-Palestine conflict?

And then finally, the big day came. Jenner was ... the new face of ProActiv, because their products supposedly helped clear up acne in her youth. Clearly a few zits would render Kendall Jenner an unspeakable monster fit only for having rotten vegetables thrown at her by jeering villagers, so what's more inspirational than shilling for an acne cream that's twice as expensive as other products with the same basic shit in it?

ProactivClearly, over-the-counter cream was the only option available to someone who can afford a golden tub.

Literal revolutions have been prompted by less arrogance. Have fun following whoever you want, but always remember that lifelong fame breaks your brain in weird ways, and most influencers would happily run you over with their sponsored cars if they thought it would gain them more followers than they lost. Anyway, don't forget to like and subscribe to Cracked!

Mark wrote a book and is inspirational on Twitter.

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