4 Crazy Marvel Scenes You Definitely Won't See In The Movies

4

The Punisher Turns Black

Frank Castle, aka the Punisher, aka The Dude Who Uses Gun Oil For Jerk-off Lube, is what's known in comic book lingo as an "antihero", and in real-life lingo as a "psychotic murder." He fights a one-man war on crime using every weapon in his arsenal: guns, knifes, bombs, and even surgical blackface.

In the story arc "The Final Days," Punisher is sent to prison, where he's brutally attacked by a gang of inmates who bear a grudge against him for some reason. He manages to escape, only to then experience a whooping from free-range gang members. Sensing that he's only one ass-kicking away from people calling him "The Punished," Frank decides to ask a disgraced plastic surgeon to alter his appearance so that no one, least of all his enemies, could possibly recognize him.

She does this by turning him "black" ...

Marvel Comics

Marvel ComicsHis only options were this or taking off the skull shirt and not killing everyone in sight.

She doesn't change his facial structure at all (gotta spring for the deluxe package for that). She just pumps him full of melanin, gives him a haircut, and sends him on his merry minstrel way.

Punisher hops in a car, but it's not long before he's pulled over by police on account of the superhuman level of painkillers in his system ... and also, well, you know. He gets the shit kicked out of him some more, and we're treated to a wildly uncomfortable and inappropriate visual reference to certain then-current events.

Marvel ComicsMaybe Punisher isn't the best character to use to criticize excessive force.

But don't worry! Luke Cage soon arrives to save him, in what we can assume was meant as an analogue to ... the cameraman who filmed the King beating?

Marvel ComicsThough, unlike the real guy whose life that video ruined, Cage can at least reduce his critics to chunky paste.

3

Daredevil Becomes His Own Twin Brother

At one point or another, every superhero has their secret identity found out, whether it's by their friends, their worst enemy, their creepy neighbor who likes watching people's bedrooms with binoculars. It's almost guaranteed that things will go back to normal eventually, but the fun comes from seeing how each hero solves the problem. Sometimes it's a memory wipe, sometimes it's going back in time, and sometimes it's ... dumber. A lot dumber.

In 1967, Matt Murdock was accidentally outed as the devil of Hell's Kitchen to his friends Foggy Nelson and Karen Page. Instead of, you know, pointing out his being fucking blind as way of denial, he decides to go full soap opera and sling some bullshit about his super-double-secret identical twin brother actually being Daredevil.

Marvel Comics

Marvel ComicsThis apparently translates to normal sunglasses replaced with wraparounds. And we thought Superman was half-assing it.

2

Dr. Doom Shit-Talks Dracula On The Moon

If there's an upside to the failure that was Fantastic Four -- sorry, Fant4stic -- it's that we'll be getting another reboot of the First Family of Marvel in a few years time. And if we hope and pray enough, it might wind up adapting the scene from "Vampire State" wherein Dr. Doom bitches out Dracula on the surface of the moon.

Marvel ComicsWe want to say that this makes more sense in context, but who would we be kidding?

In this story, Dracula is planning to invade Great Britain, and he invites Doom to a meeting on the moon in order to tell him to stay out of his way, correctly figuring that he's already going to have enough trouble with the British trying to kill him (less for being a vampire and more for being from the EU).

1

Thanos Gets His Own Helicopter

It's hard to want for anything when you have mastery over time, space, and reality. Food? Simply materialize that shit in front of you. Want to revisit the moment of your own conception? Weird ... but doable. Want to get across town? Easy, teleport there, or hell, rearrange reality so that "there" is where you are.

That is, unless you're Thanos. In that case, you materialize yourself the world's flimsiest helicopter, write your name on the tail, and fly across town talking trash at your enemies.

Marvel Comics

Marvel ComicsWe're now holding out hope for "Drat!" as his final cry of defeat in the next movie.