As we all wait to see which cherished icon of our childhood will be nearly murdered, Disney has finally given us a taste of the upcoming Toy Story 4 with a teaser trailer. Naturally, the internet was abuzz with this news (until Pikachu started investigating homicides and Stan Lee passed away), and one character in particular seemed to garner the most attention. Not Woody, or Buzz, or even Slinky Dog. Nope, we're talking about ... Forky.
Yup, a goddamn spork with googly eyes and pipe cleaner arms. It's not just that people began to wonder if an executive got blackout drunk the day before a big meeting and had to cobble together Pixar's cool new character using only whatever accumulated garbage happened to be in the backseat of their Prius. No, people are obsessed with Forky because he's an existential nightmare of a cartoon character.
For over 20 years, we've all just accepted that toys could come to life in these movies. But now we have to wrestle with how this homemade abomination became sentient. Not surprisingly, the internet was soon questioning what exactly brought him to life. Like, was it the eyes? If googly eyes are somehow conscious, by that logic, every craft store in the Pixar-verse is an unimaginable hellscape.
Or maybe it's a "child's love" that gives a toy life, but that doesn't take into account all of the un-owned toys we've seen walking and talking in previous movies. (Like the little green aliens who foolishly worship the false god of the Claw.) And speaking of false gods, the other implication is that children have the ability to create life, and by extension take it away -- which if you've ever met a small child is a truly terrifying prospect. Even worse, according to director Josh Cooley, Forky "wants to fulfill his purpose as a spork, but now has a new toy purpose thrust upon him." Meaning that the new Toy Story features a piece of garbage cursed with the burden of sentience against his will.
An even scarier thought is that it isn't the kids, or the googly eyes, but that every inanimate object is secretly alive, but only toys are able to walk and talk. Meaning even the device you're using to read this article could be silently screaming in agony while you remain blissfully ignorant. Turn that into a song, Randy Newman.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
You've got a Facebook friend in us.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
Here are a few historically important sites to which time has been more than unkind.