Pirates Of The Caribbean Might Be Rebooted, Minus Capt. Jack

The Ship of Theseus is a philosophical paradox that ponders the dilemma of fixed identity in an ever-changing world. During a rough sea voyage, Grecian hero Theseus has to repair his ship over and over again until every plank has been replaced. Is this ship still the same one that started the voyage? What if shipbuilders then recovered all of the original planks and built a new ship? Is that now Theseus' ship? And what if the shipbuilders only remade it because they still wanted Theseus' ship, only without Theseus, because Theseus wasn't scoring well with boating audiences after abuse allegations from Theseus' Spouse and him refusing to memorize Theseus' Script? Can it be a fresh new ship, or will it still be a pile of rotting planks that can't outsail its past?

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Anyway, they're rebooting Pirates Of The Caribbean.

Walt Disney Studios Motion PicturesAbandon ship.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Disney has revealed that it's in talks to start anew with Pirates, that old classic movie series that ended its run way back in the black-and-white era of 2017. But while a bit premature, the desire for a do-over isn't exactly surprising, seeing as the fifth film didn't do so hot compared to the others. So to revitalize the $4.5 billion franchise, the Mouse House is considering hitting the reset button and letting the new series be helmed by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, the writing team behind the Deadpool movies. Not the most obvious choice to write a bunch of swashbuckling epics, but maybe Disney thinks that what POTC really needs to appeal to fresh audiences is more graphic violence and Jack Sparrow being much more explicit about how he fingerbanged his way through the West Indies.

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures"Geoffrey, am I blackout drunk again, or do Orlando and Keira look weird to you too?"

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Except, of course, there probably won't be a Jack Sparrow in the possible reboot. Or at least, no Johnny Depp. At this point, the only main cast members still around are Depp and perhaps a parrot. So a reboot would basically mean Pirates without the Keith Richards impersonator showing up. And it sure does feel like that might be the whole point. Disney now has a fistful of reasons to get rid of Problematic Jack. Not only are the accusations of domestic violence against Depp proving to be godawful press, but he's also apparently been phoning in his performances through an earpiece and holding back the series from making bold new moves like having female villains. But Depp's also still one of the biggest movie stars in existence, so restarting an already-rudderless franchise sounds like a gentle and cheap way of kicking his ass out of the boat without anyone losing too much face.

Walt Disney Studios Motion PicturesJust the 80 percent of it that’s made up out of mascara.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out The Latest 'Simpsons' Memes Are Not For The Young, Hip and Disney Cut A Joke About Kylo Ren From 'Wreck-It Ralph 2'.

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. If you like jokes and stuff.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

24 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

229

5 Crazy Statistics That'll Change How You Think Of Crime

Criminal behavior can be influenced by some very weird, seemingly random factors.

156

5 Billion-Dollar Industries That Treat Workers Like Garbage

Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.

251

5 Huge Scandals With Crazy Details The News Barely Mentioned

The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.

126

6 Iconic Movies And Shows That Were Outright Ripoffs

Even Hollywood couldn't deny these films were total thievery.

124

5 Acts Of Charity That Went Horrendously Wrong

The road to losing your tax exemption status is paved with good intentions.

108