The Ship of Theseus is a philosophical paradox that ponders the dilemma of fixed identity in an ever-changing world. During a rough sea voyage, Grecian hero Theseus has to repair his ship over and over again until every plank has been replaced. Is this ship still the same one that started the voyage? What if shipbuilders then recovered all of the original planks and built a new ship? Is that now Theseus' ship? And what if the shipbuilders only remade it because they still wanted Theseus' ship, only without Theseus, because Theseus wasn't scoring well with boating audiences after abuse allegations from Theseus' Spouse and him refusing to memorize Theseus' Script? Can it be a fresh new ship, or will it still be a pile of rotting planks that can't outsail its past?

Anyway, they're rebooting Pirates Of The Caribbean.

Pirates Of The Caribbean Might Be Rebooted, Minus Capt. Jack
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Abandon ship.

Disney has revealed that it's in talks to start anew with Pirates, that old classic movie series that ended its run way back in the black-and-white era of 2017. But while a bit premature, the desire for a do-over isn't exactly surprising, seeing as the fifth film didn't do so hot compared to the others. So to revitalize the $4.5 billion franchise, the Mouse House is considering hitting the reset button and letting the new series be helmed by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, the writing team behind the Deadpool movies. Not the most obvious choice to write a bunch of swashbuckling epics, but maybe Disney thinks that what POTC really needs to appeal to fresh audiences is more graphic violence and Jack Sparrow being much more explicit about how he fingerbanged his way through the West Indies.

Pirates Of The Caribbean Might Be Rebooted, Minus Capt. Jack
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
"Geoffrey, am I blackout drunk again, or do Orlando and Keira look weird to you too?"

Except, of course, there probably won't be a Jack Sparrow in the possible reboot. Or at least, no Johnny Depp. At this point, the only main cast members still around are Depp and perhaps a parrot. So a reboot would basically mean Pirates without the Keith Richards impersonator showing up. And it sure does feel like that might be the whole point. Disney now has a fistful of reasons to get rid of Problematic Jack. Not only are the accusations of domestic violence against Depp proving to be godawful press, but he's also apparently been phoning in his performances through an earpiece and holding back the series from making bold new moves like having female villains. But Depp's also still one of the biggest movie stars in existence, so restarting an already-rudderless franchise sounds like a gentle and cheap way of kicking his ass out of the boat without anyone losing too much face.

Pirates Of The Caribbean Might Be Rebooted, Minus Capt. Jack
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Just the 80 percent of it that’s made up out of mascara.

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