5 Subtly Hilarious Scenes Movies Knew We'd Never Notice
Movie Magic: The hope that you're too busy paying attention to what's onscreen to reason out what would logically be happening just off of it. That's how Hollywood tricks you into believing that a T. Rex can sneak up on someone despite being, well, a T. Rex, or that there were zero causalities from all the car crashes that happened when Spider-Man chased some purse snatcher around downtown. But be thankful for Movie Magic, because some of those logical offscreen moments are very, very stupid. Consider how ...
Ulysses Klaue Somehow Blew Billions Of Dollars In Like A Year
In Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Robot James Spader bought several billion dollars' worth of stolen vibranium from Ulysses Klaue with untraceable money. We even see Klaue checking his bank account to confirm that, holy crap, he's now one of the richest men on the planet. Yes, Ultron gets annihilated a few days later, but we're given no reason to suspect that this anonymous transaction would be discovered and undone. So the next time we see Klaue, we'd assume he'd be lying on a beach on his private Caribbean island, possibly thinking up a plan to kill James Bond. But when he returns in Black Panther, he's being strung along in Killmonger's plan to rob a museum.
Black Panther takes place about 13 months after Age Of Ultron. So in a little over a year, did Klaue manage to go through several billion dollars? What in the hell could he have possibly done to waste that money so fast? That's not merely "buy whatever you want" money, that's "buy and snort all the cocaine sold in Africa" money. No, literally.
You cannot physically withdraw and set fire to cash fast enough to burn through that much money in 13 months. This is waste on the level of several corrupt dictatorships, not an individual who is hiding out not only from the Avengers, but also the entirety of Wakanda. And he has nothing to show for it! Hell, he even says that the sonic cannon / prosthetic arm he acquired is stolen, so the sum total of things he bought with his money seems to be the sweet vest he's wearing. You'd think a rich supervillain would at least have a better getaway plane. Put your face or something on it, man, jeez.
Maybe Klaue still has the billions of dollars, and is just robbing museums with a psychotic ex-soldier for fun -- which, to be fair, is far from the worst thing a sociopathic billionaire could do to entertain themselves. But if that's the case, every inch of his body should have been covered with diamonds. The likelier explanation is that Marvel assumed, not unreasonably, that everyone had forgotten Age Of Ultron.
How Long Was Woody Harrelson Lurking About To Surprise Han In Solo?
One of the four dozen plot twists in the back half of Solo occurs when Han brings crime boss Dryden Vos the "refined coaxium" he's promised, but Vos accuses him of pulling the ol' bag of oregano trick. And Vos has another surprise for Han: He knew that Han was planning to double cross him, because he was tipped off by his erstwhile mentor, Tobias Beckett! Space gasp! Beckett walks in to give the standard "Sorry, it's just business" speech before we can all pause to reflect on how stupid the names in the Star Wars universe are. But wait, how long was Beckett standing out there?
Han and Qi'ra (ugh) just entered the room themselves. So Beckett bid farewell to Han, pretended to fly away, actually flew to Vos' space yacht (but parked out of sight so Han wouldn't see his ship), stayed out of the way when Han and Qi'ra made their way to Vos' chambers, waited to be notified that the coast was clear as soon as the door closed behind them, then walked up and stood directly outside Vos' chambers for the big reveal?
So, what, Beckett was standing outside the room by himself for like five minutes? Ten? Checking his space phone, humming cantina music? Listening to the conversation through a crack in the door? Was he waiting to enter until there was a really cool, splashy moment, or did he and Vos, the ruthless amoral crime kingpin, quickly plan a cue for him? What if the conversation hadn't gone in the right direction and he had to just awkwardly stumble in? The whole scene felt, wait for it, forced.
Davy Jones Must Have Taken Painstaking Piano Lessons To Play With His Tentacle Beard
From his first appearance in the Pirates Of The Caribbean series, it's clear that Davy Jones is a ruthless, intimidating villain. He's a barnacle-encrusted, immortal pirate captain made up of a monstrous jumble of sea creature parts, most notable of which is a tentacle beard.
Each of those tendrils is like an extra finger, allowing Jones to smoke a pipe or strangle a dude without raising a hand. And when he's feeling in need of a little Davy-time, he'll bang out a haunting tune on the organ with his calamari chinstrap.
But Jones didn't always look like that. He used to be a regular pirate, later cursed with an octopus head for reasons far too complicated and stupid to get into here. The point is that he had to learn how to use his new prehensile face before he could pour his heart out over a three-tiered keyboard. Did he have to start with small exercises, like picking up a doubloon with his mustache, before taking organ lessons? And, when he decided to try his tentacles at music, where did he find a teacher? Angie's List hadn't been invented yet, and Jones can only walk on dry land once every ten years. Either he came across a seafaring music teacher in an incredible stroke of luck, or he made his crew kidnap and care for some poor old person to serve as the onboard tutor.
Even if he had already been an accomplished organist, he'd still have to go through some intense reeducation after having his fingers replaced with a few dozen tentacles and a lobster claw. Davy Jones becomes a lot less intimidating if you imagine him sinking a ship and then retiring to his cabin to grind through a dozen straight awful renditions of "Hot Cross Buns" with his face.
In Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon's Funeral Would Have Been Horrible For All Present
After Qui-Gon Jinn tragically dies while defending the galaxy from a twirling space devil, he's laid out on a funeral pyre, as per Jedi tradition. His friends watch and contemplate the future, unaware that they are seconds away from starring in a fiery horror show.
Funeral pyres still happen today in places like India, Thailand, and one terrifying Colorado town. How they're carried out differs from culture to culture, but they're usually done in the open air instead of domed buildings. They require a ton of kindling, and come a few hundred degrees short of the whopping 1,400 to 1,800 degrees reached by a cremation oven. Since everyone in the movie is close enough to watch Qui-Gon's eyebrows vaporize without also starting to melt themselves, we can safely assume that those flames are just hot enough to make the Galaxy's grossest space s'mores.
For starters, there's likely a pungent cloud of burning hair and skin hanging around Obi-Wan and Anakin as they whisper about Jedi training. There would also be hot gases blasting through Qui-Gon's orifices, while his blackened corpse twitches and writhes thanks to his spine and tendons contracting in the heat. For a grand finale, the incredible heat inside Qui-Gon's skull will ultimately cause his head to explode like a microwaved egg. Don't, uh, don't click any of these links unless you're disappointed in the depth and intensity of your current nightmares.
Even if the funeral was space-magically free of all sounds, smells, and brain spatter, they're still getting an unreasonably close look at a corpse slowly melting into a charred skeleton. Had the cameras stayed on a few seconds longer, Jar Jar would be throwing up in the corner while Anakin starts to cry. Maybe we'll get to see all that in the inevitable remaster.
How Exactly Did Clark Kent Manage To Resume His Old Life?
As a recap for those of you with enough love in your lives to have skipped over the DCEU movies: Superman heroically died while stabbing a cave troll to death in Batman v Superman, but then he's resurrected in Justice League through the power of a plot device so lazy it's a wonder it even bothered to show up for filming.
But Superman isn't the only one who died -- Clark Kent did too. They had a funeral for him and everything. So what the hell did they say when, at the end of the movie, Kent strolls back into The Daily Planet to resume his old job? Did he claim he'd fallen down a well? Did they assume he accidentally locked himself in the pantry for a year and a half? Did everyone think Kent made a really poorly planned attempt at life insurance fraud?
And what about the government? Kent must have been declared legally dead. What did the feds say when he showed up to do a take-backsies on his death certificate? Did they ask where he was? What was his answer?
The most absurd bit comes when you remember that the other heroes straight up robbed Clark's grave to retrieve his body. So a man everyone thought was dead comes back to life after his grave was recently exhumed. Given all the supernatural crap going on in this universe, he should've been exposed as Superman when someone logically assumed this was the start of a zombie apocalypse and shot him in the head.
For more amazing deaths better than anything The Phantom Menace or Zack Snyder can give you, check out Funerals To Die For by Cracked columnist Kathy Benjamin.
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