5 Real Crimes Dumber Than Anything You've Ever Done In GTA

4 A Man Took His Pet Monkey Along With Him To Steal A Car

There are a few simple rules for stealing cars: Don't attract attention, don't drive it into a ditch, don't steal from anyone who looks like a Fast & Furious character, and don't bring your goddamn pet monkey along. Cody Blake Hesson broke at least two of those rules.

Hesson stole a car, as you do, but then drove it into a ditch, as you're not supposed to do. And when the sheriff's office showed up to arrest him, as they do, they found that he was accompanied by a monkey. An illegally owned monkey that had been dragged into the criminal underworld against its will -- or so it claimed.

3 A Burglar Broke Into An Escape Room And Couldn't Get Out

This one doesn't need a lot of setup: Rye Wardlaw broke into an escape room, and irony ensued.

Wardlaw damaged the back doorknob to the point where it no longer functioned, then couldn't figure out the lock on the front door. This raises several questions, chief of which is how Wardlaw hadn't choked on a pretzel or something before that point. He then panicked and called 911, and being a crafty burglar who didn't want to spend a few minutes figuring out how a lock worked, he claimed his house was being robbed.

The worst part is that he finally managed to escape before police showed up, but was still in the vicinity and quickly apprehended. We guess the lesson is to try to stay calm and composed during your criminal acts, and also maybe don't call the police on yourself. And also don't break into rooms whose sole reason for existence is that they are difficult to break out of. There are a lot of lessons here.

Related: 7 Animal Escapes Stories Straight Out Of A Disney Movie

2 A Woman Got Drunk At A Music Festival, Then Got Stuck In A Truck's Tailpipe

We'll be the first to admit that alcohol has made us do stupid things, like try to teach a dog to rap or launch a comedy website on a dare and then have to maintain it for over a decade. So we sympathize with this young woman who, while attending a music festival in Minnesota, got her head stuck in a truck's tailpipe. USA Today gently suggested that "alcohol may have played a role." You know, possibly.

1 Burglars Broke Into A House And Snorted Ashes

When five Florida teenagers were arrested for breaking into a house, authorities mostly wanted to know what had happened to an urn containing the ashes of the victim's father and her two Great Danes. Why all of their ashes were stored together is a discussion for another time.

The burglars claimed they had mistaken the ashes for cocaine and tried to snort them, whereupon they determined that it was absolutely not cocaine. They then discussed returning the ashes, but remembered that their fingerprints were on the urn, and instead threw it all in a lake. To put it mildly, it is difficult to mistake cremated remains for cocaine, which suggests that the teens had either never previously done cocaine, or they had done way, way too much of it. Whatever the case, the event served as an important reminder: Always bring your own cocaine to a burglary.

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For more, check out The 7 Most Gloriously Stupid Crimes Ever Attempted and 6 Pointless Crimes That Required An Insane Amount Of Effort.

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