With his never-aging hair, his one suit that never goes out of style, and his ostensibly immortal lungs untouched by metric tons of cigarette tar, David Lynch seems like man displaced in time. But nowhere is the filmmaker's asynchronous nature more noticeable than in his career, which he seems to be living out backwards, Merlin-style. How else can you explain a man who started out as an acclaimed movie director, went on to make a TV show, then became an obscure painter, and now, finally, is selling T-shirts on the internet?
David Lynch, GIRL THINKING
While Lynch is best known for confusing people with his surreal films, he's quite the Renaissance man -- and not just because he probably attends illegal autopsies at night. Besides directing and writing, he's also a furniture designer and recent Billboard-charting musician, describing his album Crazy Clown Time as "modern blues," while we describe it as "the most interesting midlife crisis dad band ever".
But Lynch's true love has always been painting, with him only becoming a filmmaker out of a desire to see his images move. After attending art school, Lynch never stopped pursuing his true passion -- it's just that people were more into his movies and their themes of ... um ... yeah. In recent years, though, Lynch has redoubled his focus on his painting and photography, which are infused with the same surrealist glee that made the man hang out with a cow in the hopes it would win Laura Dern an Oscar.
David Lynch, This Man Was Shot 0.9502 Seconds Ago
However, Lynch seems to have recently pivoted to expressing himself on the only canvas people are still interested in: pop culture T-shirts. From his new Amazon store page, Studio: David Lynch, he's now selling a wide range of shirts which effortlessly evoke the "I got sold this by a toothless man on the Venice Beach Boardwalk" aesthetic present in all of Lynch's art.
David Lynch, BITE
The shirts' prints range from the genteel absurdist, like a kindergarten-style doodle of fish frolicking with worms ...
... to the kind of provocative pseudo-sexual imagery of clay topless gun zombies you secretly hope doesn't awaken anything inside you ...
David Lynch, GIRL WITH GUN
Lynch has even thrown in some geeky deep cuts referencing his unmade films, for when you want people to know you're not just a serial killer -- you're a serial killer who went to NYU.
David Lynch, RONNIE ROCKET #1
And just to maximally confuse everyone glancing at your shipment description, all of the T-shirts also have incredible Lynchian titles, like "YEAH, GOOD MORNING TO YOU TOO" and "TURKEY CHEESE HEAD," which we sincerely hope turns out to be a teaser for a sequel to Eraserhead.
For much shorter ramblings and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.
Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.
Fool me once ...
Not everyone WANTS to be famous.
Tour guides don't tell you all the gruesome stuff that goes down at famous locations.
A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.