5 Old Movies Famous Actors Don't Want You To See

After recovering this icky memory, Keanu immediately scours every brothel in town, eventually finding Tara handcuffed in a seedy motel -- and surprisingly cool about the whole situation.

Kings Road Entertainment

Kings Road Entertainment

Kings Road Entertainment"Eh, who hasn't sold a girl to a pimp once or twice?"

Then her new pimp, "Fat Jack," bursts in and tries to rape her. It was presumably at this point that most 1988 audiences began to seriously regret that they didn't just go see Beetlejuice again.

Kings Road Entertainment

Kings Road Entertainment"If you mean this movie, it's too late for that."

After Keanu thwarts Fat Jack, the pair escape. And of course, all of this prompts Tara to fall in love with the guy who sold her into sex slavery. This movie doesn't merely fail the Bechdel Test; it flunks Bechdel class, gets thrown out of Bechdel school, and is forced to work at Bechdel Arby's for the rest of its life.

The illusion isn't perfect, though, because Mark's bad at basketball -- which, as we all know, is a thing black people are good at by default. If this sounds like a stupid scene, also keep in mind that it's set to the song "Soul Man," rerecorded by original artist Sam Moore and celebrated racist Lou Reed, who thankfully restrained himself from donning blackface for the music video.

Even people who know Mark somehow don't clue into what's going on. In one scene, he runs into a friend played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Backed into a corner, he throws on pair of sunglasses, bobs his head like Ray Charles, and it inexplicably works.

New World Pictures

New World Pictures

New World PicturesThe three other characters are all legally blind.

Mark realizes he did a bad thing ... after getting caught, conveniently. He amazingly wins back the respect of James Earl Jones after admitting that he didn't truly understand the black experience, because he could have stopped taking his magic pills at any time. Also, his girlfriend (who's black for real) somehow forgives him.

To say that this half-assed happy ending in any way engages with any real issues of race in America would be tantamount to claiming that Ghostbusters offers a somber reflection on mortality.

Paul takes the potion back to his lab, where he and his partner (Bullock) discover that it actually works. If you take the potion and talk to a member of the opposite sex, they basically become your sex slave. People of the same sex, however, become violent and hostile -- because apparently in this universe, gay people aren't allowed to use magic.

So Paul and Sandra Bullock decide to test the potion out on themselves for ... science? Paul heads out on the town and chats up a woman who turned him down earlier. This time, she immediately dry humps him in the middle of a bar.

20th Century Fox"Wait, that's not cyanide … eh, what the hell, take it anyway."

20th Century FoxAnd this was before all bars had designated dry hump areas.

Then he refuses to have sex with her -- not out of concern that he has blatantly violated any sense of consent, but out of petty spite for her rejecting him earlier. After that, in a scene that might not play so well today, Paul furthers his scientific research by loading his glove compartment full of condoms ...

20th Century Fox

... and heading to a college campus.

20th Century FoxTo hand them out for free along with pamphlets about chlamydia?

This is followed by a montage of Paul doing it in every room of a sorority house, before he eventually gets arrested -- but only because men aren't allowed to be in sorority houses at night. Not because, you know, he's literally a rapist.

Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock is using her newfound powers to date super rich guys, and for some reason also gets a total makeover. Only a movie made by dudes would have a woman with an all-consuming power over men radically alter her appearance to make herself more attractive to the guys she's brainwashing.

20th Century Fox

20th Century FoxShe even got complete dental surgery!

Of course, Paul falls in love with her -- but then she falls in love with her ex, who's also doping with the potion. Luckily, their ensuing wedding is broken up by Paul's sex worker friend, who's also on the potion. That goes well:

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Paul eventually breaks the spell and makes out with Sandra Bullock. Then the final shot implies that this was all part of the psychic's plan. Hopefully she has a potion that magically gets rid of about a thousand STDs.

The main character, Bobby, then ventures out into the world, using his van to try to pick up women, like a horny version of the Scooby-Doo gang. The van contains a waterbed and a mirrored ceiling, so naturally, it's an aphrodisiac on wheels.

It's also worth noting that The Van co-stars a young Danny DeVito as Bobby's boss. It's a relatively small part, though you wouldn't know it from modern copies of the movie, which shamelessly try to cash in on whatever audience would be super into softcore porn starring the Penguin.

Mill Creek EntertainmentYes, they get us every time.

At first, Bobby has trouble luring women into his van. There's a scene in which the hero of the movie assaults a woman, and another in which he unknowingly hires a call girl. The rest of the film is mostly nothing but him doing it in a van. The filmmakers were so committed to that premise that there's even a scene wherein Bobby and a young woman are in a house, on a couch, with a bed nearby, and they still go out to the suspiciously TARDIS-like van to have sex.

Crown International Pictures

Crown International Pictures"I hope you like it tiny and cramped."

And while DeVito doesn't get any hot van action, he does lose a bunch of money gambling and get repeatedly punched in the balls by angry bookies.

Crown International Pictures

So there's that.

After failing to shoot him in the head, Jack instead knees Napoleon in the dick and calls him the N-word. Replace the N-word with "Toon," and it's pretty much the same movie as Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.

Soon after, Jack has a heart attack, and coincidentally at the same time, Napoleon is fatally shot (not by Jack). Of course, Denzel is an organ donor and his heart ends up in ... Jack. The hilarious situation of a black man dying and donating his heart to save Jack's life is commemorated by his friends putting a giant black dildo in his hospital bed.

New Line Cinema

New Line CinemaPictured: six dicks.

Jack freaks out -- not because his friends are such friggin' jackasses, but because the doctors put a black person's heart in his body. Then, in what is presumably a common side effect of this type of procedure, Jack starts being haunted by Napoleon's ghost. When Denzel isn't making jokes about being a ghost or how his dick is "as big as a Shetland Pony's," he helps Hoskins woo their mutual ex-girlfriend ... who also secretly had Denzel's baby.

Then a killer pimp kidnaps and almost murders the baby, so Denzel and Hoskins team up to take out the pimp while simultaneously fixing racism forever.

New Line Cinema

New Line Cinema"Of course! We had to kill a pimp who kidnapped the secret baby of a ghost. Why didn't we try this sooner?"

People have pointed out that for all of this movie's attempts to address racial tensions, it's incredibly racist -- like how despite being a lawyer, Denzel's character acts like a pimp, what with all the prostitute wrangling and crack possession. And in the end, his character is turned into an "absentee father" for essentially no reason. This movie is so bad that there was even a rumor that Washington canned his agent as a result. The worst part, though, might be the film's international title:

New Line Cinema"Well, he's also a father, how about-"
"You're fired too."

You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.

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