5

"Godel's Loophole" Could Allow America To Become A Dictatorship (If We Could Find It)

Despite our contrasting political views, most of us probably agree that it's a good thing we're not in an actual dictatorship with, like, executions and non-hashtag resistance forces and people ratting their neighbors out to the authorities. The Founding Fathers made damn sure that the Constitution would prevent Americans from ever having to live under the yoke of some asshole king. Except, if you believe one of the greatest minds of the 20th century, it could totally still happen.

In the 1940s, a lot of scholars and other professional thinking types escaped light Nazi interference by moving from Europe to the U.S. Among the refugees was Kurt Godel, a world-famous philosopher, mathematician, and logician. When he arrived in the States, he had to jump through the hoops of obtaining citizenship, like passing tests and presenting character witnesses -- for which he chose Albert Einstein, because he was a big believer in the philosophical principle of "go big or go home."

4

The Constitution Could Make Us All Pirates

As we said before, the Constitution is not a particularly cracking good read. There are lots of boring parts about preserving liberty and not being nice to black people. So how do you make any kind of book more exciting? Add pirates, of course! Pirates are the Hamburger Helper of literature, turning even the blandest of pages into something fun and filling. Although, if that's the case, how have we missed that the Constitution already has pirates in them? Quote Article I, Section 8:

The Congress shall have Power ... to declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water

The Constitution was written at a time when being a pirate wasn't only a career goal for imaginative seven-year-olds and Johnny Depp. Pirating was an legitimate occupation, for which you only needed a boat, a crew, and a badass nickname to get started with. Except that pirating didn't have a great severance package, because if the law caught you, they'd cut off your head.

Wiki Commons"We offer a fantastic dental plan, though."

3

The President And Vice President Could Switch Places At Any Time

Maybe you've noticed, but not everyone is very happy with the current president. And when you've heard those very rare, very occasional grumblings about him, someone might have mentioned the 25th Amendment, which could make the current president not ... current anymore.

2

Texas Could Be Split into Five States

Texas has always had a fraught relationship with the rest of the country, in the same way that any state large and wealthy enough to beat up any other state would. And Texas really likes its independence, armed insurrection and all. Fortunately, like with any state, the people of Texas aren't able to tear up the rest of America. But thanks to the Constitution, they can tear up themselves.

As it turns out, Texas might have a secret superpower that allows it to divide itself into several smaller states and irrevocably screw the Electoral College. It all relies on combining, peanut-butter-and-jelly-style, the Constitution with the 1845 Joint Resolution for Annexing Texas to the United States, the document which admitted Texas into the Union. In the constitution, under Article IV, Section 3, Congress has the sole power to allow states to divide themselves up -- which is how we wound up with Maine, Kentucky, and West Virginia. But that was nothing but some old-fashioned gerrymandering. There's really no way they'll allow Texas to pack up and leave.

TUBS/Wiki Commons"For the BBQ alone, you stay."

1

Surprise, Slavery Still Exists

One of the most popular conspiracy theories out there is that the government / deep state / George Soros are working to strip away all of our rights, lock us in detention camps, and sell us into slavery to corporations. It's a cute idea, but there's one thing these powerful ne'er-do-wells haven't considered: The Constitution of the United States will stop them.

Except that it won't, and it isn't. As most of us know, slavery was intended to be abolished via the 13th Amendment, which states that "neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States." In principle, the amendment makes slavery as dead as the Confederacy. In practice, however, it's as alive and kicking as the Confederacy.

It all hinges on this little clause: "except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted." So while the Constitution makes damn sure no "innocent" soul is taken into bondage, it's a whole different ethics game if you've been convicted of a crime and imprisoned. Then you become a cog in the prison-industrial complex -- a major income stream of for-profit prisons wherein prisoners are forced participate in work programs. Prisoners must either help operate the prison or "participate" in a convict-leasing program through which corporations such as Whole Foods and Victoria's Secret (among others) can borrow inmates to do jobs that most people would ordinarily demand to be paid for. Oh, and the inmates don't get a choice. If they're medically fit, they have to work under the threat of being placed into solitary, and you know that's only because guards aren't allowed to whip people anymore.

Carol M. HighsmithAnd you thought your cubicle sucked.

So why should we care about a bunch of criminals having to do tech support and stock shelves? Well, maybe it's because that the 13th Amendment loophole takes away decent blue-collar jobs from regular hardworking people. Or maybe it's because prison is supposed to be about repaying your debt to society, not to AT&T. Or maybe it's because, after they get out, we've made sure those ex-cons aren't allowed to get paying jobs for the same work they've been doing for free for years. Or maybe, just maybe, you don't want to live in a system that incentivizes mass and long-term incarceration to the point where state lawyers have been caught arguing against releasing prisoners because prisons would "lose an important labor pool." Take your pick. Or get a prisoner to do the picking for you. That's what they're there for, apparently.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

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For more, check out 6 Myths About The US Constitution Too Many People Believe and 4 Constitutional Debates America's Founders Never Saw Coming.

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