4

The Constitution Could Make Us All Pirates

As we said before, the Constitution is not a particularly cracking good read. There are lots of boring parts about preserving liberty and not being nice to black people. So how do you make any kind of book more exciting? Add pirates, of course! Pirates are the Hamburger Helper of literature, turning even the blandest of pages into something fun and filling. Although, if that's the case, how have we missed that the Constitution already has pirates in them? Quote Article I, Section 8:

The Congress shall have Power ... to declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water

The Constitution was written at a time when being a pirate wasn't only a career goal for imaginative seven-year-olds and Johnny Depp. Pirating was an legitimate occupation, for which you only needed a boat, a crew, and a badass nickname to get started with. Except that pirating didn't have a great severance package, because if the law caught you, they'd cut off your head.

Wiki Commons"We offer a fantastic dental plan, though."

3

The President And Vice President Could Switch Places At Any Time

Maybe you've noticed, but not everyone is very happy with the current president. And when you've heard those very rare, very occasional grumblings about him, someone might have mentioned the 25th Amendment, which could make the current president not ... current anymore.

The 25th Amendment is remarkably clear about its crazy premise. It allows, under the right legal circumstances, for the president and vice president to switch places, Freaky Friday-style, at any point during their time in office. If the president volunteers, he can transfer his power and duties to his vice president without needing to ask those squares in Congress for permission -- and vice-versa once the new president figures out his new VP left him to hold the bag for something.

Aaron P. Bernstein/Getty Images"Look, you take the fall for this one, and I get you next time."

Now, before any of you start seriously debating in your head whether you prefer being ruled by the devil or the deep orange sea, know that the 25th wasn't intended to allow for a permanent switch. In fact, it has been used as a temporary measure several times throughout U.S. history, such as when George W. Bush transferred power to Dick Cheney whilst he was undergoing a medical procedure. The amendment was never to be used as a tool to win voters over, whereby a party could treat their VP as a possible usurper in case their base liked to see a change. But it could work that way. According to this hypothetical scenario, there's no rule against the presidential and vice presidential candidates double-pinky-swearing in public that they're going to switch places at some point during their first term and just, like, doing that. Simply have both Coke and Pepsi on the menu. Why has no one ever thought of this before!?

2

Texas Could Be Split into Five States

Texas has always had a fraught relationship with the rest of the country, in the same way that any state large and wealthy enough to beat up any other state would. And Texas really likes its independence, armed insurrection and all. Fortunately, like with any state, the people of Texas aren't able to tear up the rest of America. But thanks to the Constitution, they can tear up themselves.

As it turns out, Texas might have a secret superpower that allows it to divide itself into several smaller states and irrevocably screw the Electoral College. It all relies on combining, peanut-butter-and-jelly-style, the Constitution with the 1845 Joint Resolution for Annexing Texas to the United States, the document which admitted Texas into the Union. In the constitution, under Article IV, Section 3, Congress has the sole power to allow states to divide themselves up -- which is how we wound up with Maine, Kentucky, and West Virginia. But that was nothing but some old-fashioned gerrymandering. There's really no way they'll allow Texas to pack up and leave.

TUBS/Wiki Commons"For the BBQ alone, you stay."

Except there's a line in the 1845 Joint Resolution, which was approved and signed by Congress, that kinda sounds like they already did, albeit unintentionally. As it states:

New States of convenient size not exceeding four in number, in addition to said State of Texas and having sufficient population, may, hereafter by the consent of said State, be formed out of the territory thereof.

So without interference from those Washington carpetbaggers, Texas can go all mitosis and break up into five full-fledged states -- "not exceeding four in number, in addition to said State of Texas." How would that help Texas? It wouldn't, but it would severely hurt the political status quo. That was true in the North-South division days (giving more votes to the pro-slavery part of the country), but it's still true today. Nobody can completely predict which way these hypothetical new states would vote if they suddenly popped up, so the resolution has basically given Texas a gun to hold to current ruling party's head and say, "Do you feel lucky? Do ya, punk?"

The closest that Texas has ever come to divorcing itself was in 1847, when Henry Van Zandt (the man responsible for the "four states" clause to begin with) ran for governor of Texas on the sole platform of breaking up the state. It's only because he died of yellow fever that his plan was never carried out. The rest of the attempts to trigger a #Texit have been less professional. In 1852 and 1868, there were proposals to split Texas in two, but those failed because neither side was willing to give up even the tiniest sliver of Texan identity to the other ("Which state would yield the emblem of a single star?" "Who will give up the bloodstained walls of the Alamo?"), or even figure out where to draw the demarcation lines. Mostly, the rule helps Texans feel big and important while probably never being able to pull anything off anyway -- and we have a sneaking suspicion that was Congress' plan all along.

1

Surprise, Slavery Still Exists

One of the most popular conspiracy theories out there is that the government / deep state / George Soros are working to strip away all of our rights, lock us in detention camps, and sell us into slavery to corporations. It's a cute idea, but there's one thing these powerful ne'er-do-wells haven't considered: The Constitution of the United States will stop them.

Except that it won't, and it isn't. As most of us know, slavery was intended to be abolished via the 13th Amendment, which states that "neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States." In principle, the amendment makes slavery as dead as the Confederacy. In practice, however, it's as alive and kicking as the Confederacy.

It all hinges on this little clause: "except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted." So while the Constitution makes damn sure no "innocent" soul is taken into bondage, it's a whole different ethics game if you've been convicted of a crime and imprisoned. Then you become a cog in the prison-industrial complex -- a major income stream of for-profit prisons wherein prisoners are forced participate in work programs. Prisoners must either help operate the prison or "participate" in a convict-leasing program through which corporations such as Whole Foods and Victoria's Secret (among others) can borrow inmates to do jobs that most people would ordinarily demand to be paid for. Oh, and the inmates don't get a choice. If they're medically fit, they have to work under the threat of being placed into solitary, and you know that's only because guards aren't allowed to whip people anymore.

Carol M. HighsmithAnd you thought your cubicle sucked.

So why should we care about a bunch of criminals having to do tech support and stock shelves? Well, maybe it's because that the 13th Amendment loophole takes away decent blue-collar jobs from regular hardworking people. Or maybe it's because prison is supposed to be about repaying your debt to society, not to AT&T. Or maybe it's because, after they get out, we've made sure those ex-cons aren't allowed to get paying jobs for the same work they've been doing for free for years. Or maybe, just maybe, you don't want to live in a system that incentivizes mass and long-term incarceration to the point where state lawyers have been caught arguing against releasing prisoners because prisons would "lose an important labor pool." Take your pick. Or get a prisoner to do the picking for you. That's what they're there for, apparently.

Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter about depressing history that you should definitely subscribe to.

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For more, check out 6 Myths About The US Constitution Too Many People Believe and 4 Constitutional Debates America's Founders Never Saw Coming.

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