Good news, everyone! The Plaza Hotel in New York has heard your vehement, rabid, horny calls for a Home Alone 2-inspired vacation getaway, and they've put together what is literally the most fun a human can possibly have without exploding from funness. It's the Plaza Hotel Home Alone Experience! Shit!
In honor of the 25th anniversary of the sequel which some people saw to the world's most popular comedic tribute to child endangerment, you can book a night at the Plaza and Live Like Kevin! Kevin's the kid from Home Alone, in case you forgot.
What awesome hijinks await you starting at only $895? Well, you get a one-of-a-kind Home Alone backpack. By "one-of-a-kind" we mean "a bland navy blue backpack for anyone who decides to drop nearly a grand on this shit." Also, you get an ice cream sundae right in your room, just like Kevin did! What an unbelievably exclusive experience! And, oh man, all five Home Alone movies on DVD. That's right, the Plaza went balls to the wall and managed to find two movies you never knew existed and may have only come into existence after the destruction of a cursed Blockbuster, plus one you maybe sort of heard about and the two Macaulay Culkin starred in.
To round out your experience, there's a '90s-themed menu at the hotel's restaurant. Man, remember how different food was in the '90s? Everything was made of hypercolor and tubes or whatever? Radical, dude! The menu includes upscale versions of SpaghettiOs and Hot Pockets -- which are called "Todd Pockets," either because of Chef Todd English making them or because he stores them in his pockets. There are also Funyuns with truffle aioli, because of fucking course there are, and Sunny Delight which may or may not be mixed with Zima.
If you want to spend a little extra, there's a four-hour limo tour of New York you can go on to visit all the fun spots Kevin went to, like the abandoned loft, a toy store that doesn't exist anymore, and the rafters of Carnegie Hall. Maybe you'll also meet a special pigeon lady, who's to say? Rest assured, your personal "Flytographer" drone photographer will be there to capture all the great memories for you and your kids (and not to rain hellfire down upon you if you stray from the tour).
Despite the fact that the movie is 25 years old, the Plaza is pretty sure this is a family experience that your kids will love, and will definitely not inspire them to ask you what the hell Home Alone is. And even if you don't have kids, that's OK too, because maybe you're a serial killer with $900 to drop on a night in a hotel modeled after a family movie from a quarter of a century ago that is most notable for casting Rob Schneider.
Nailing down the target audience for this one is a little tough. Are there fanatical fans of Home Alone 2 the rest of us never knew about who are stoked to stay at the Plaza, which they could have stayed at on any night during the past 25 years if it meant that much, but who only now care because of artisanal Lunchables and Todd Pockets? Succulent Todd Pockets, loaded to the brim with Todd?
It's probably a safe bet that your offspring doesn't really want one of the many one-of- a-kind Home Alone backpacks, unless being socially ostracized is your kid's thing. Nor do they want to spend four hours in a limo touring locations from a movie that's more than twice their age. This is just a weird way to spend your Christmas holiday -- and a weirder way to spend your summer holiday, since you can book it for any time between now and next October.
There's nothing inherently wrong with liking Home Alone 2. It's not a crime yet. But is it the basis for a $1,000 getaway 25 years after the fact? Is this what we've done to nostalgia? Are rich people so desperately in need of getting rid of money that they have to throw it into the most elaborate shit heaps they can come across? Is "charcuterie Lunchable" a real thing? These are all rhetorical questions. Except for that last one.
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