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Sexy comes in many different, subjective flavors. People find different attributes sexy, and it's not always just physical qualities. However, if you're going to have an objective, superficial contest, like People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," it's farcical unless Idris Elba wins every year. I wanted to find out just who were these knuckleheads who voted for Blake Shelton over Idris "Bedroom Eyes" Elba.

First it should be noted that 31 of the 33 "Sexiest Men Alive" have been white. Just getting that out there right off the bat. Is it racist? Yes. Yes, it is.

Moving on to Sheltongate 2017: what sinister regime determines the sexiest man? According to this video, it's just a group of People magazine execs who paw through piles of men, and vote on which they think is sexiest. But based on the fact that Idris Elba has never won, I have another theory: People Magazine relies on the judgement of a blind, 90-year-old hermit, who has spent his entire life chained in a lightless basement. They hand him a list of names, demanding he choose one if he desires a scrap of food. He cannot read, in fact, his eyes have shrunk to blind nubs due to lack of use. He points a grimy fingernail at a name, and that is the sexiest man for the year.

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