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Oh great, now pumpkin spice is suffocating our children. Sure, the fire department said the air freshener was "not hazardous," but it smells like a government coverup to me. Have you ever wondered why pumpkin spice is on everything now? On every conceivable thing with flimsy justification? Pumpkin spice Peeps, pumpkin spice pizza, pumpkin spice Cheerios, pumpkin spice cough drops? Is it because it's a popular flavor that every company is trying to capitalize on, or is it an insidious secret CIA plot to introduce pumpkin spice mind control chemicals to our brains? Hear me out.

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The popularity of pumpkin spice was sudden and drastic. Starbucks made a drink, and then suddenly pumpkin spice infiltrated every crevice of society. What better way to deliver nanobot surveillance than through pumpkin spice? Or perhaps it's a delivery system for a mind control substance known as pumpkinite spicetanium, a chemical that will turn us all into mindless sheep. And now they're going after our school, our children, our only hope for the future. Their young minds are easily reprogrammable by the fragrant aroma of pumpkin spice. Perhaps they've been conditioned as sleeper agents, so a mere whiff of pumpkin spice will trigger their training and they will go on to assassinate foreign leaders. In the case of this school evacuation, the students started coughing and reported difficulty breathing. Clearly, the dosage of mind-control particulate matter was too high in this pumpkin spice air freshener. Now the government, via the local fire department, is trying to cover this up. "It is just a harmless autumnal odor, citizens," they drone, "Nothing to fear. Breathe it in. Breathe deep. It is good for you, just like fluoride and vaccines."

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I beg you, people, say no to pumpkin spice. The only wholesome autumn aroma is that of overcooked turkey or rotting pumpkin flesh. And this Halloween, go through your child's haul and make sure nobody's slipped any pumpkin spice flavored candy. In fact, remove everything that isn't Necco wafers, just to be safe. One can never be too careful, the pumpkilluminati is all around us.

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