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Who doesn't love Mario? The indomitable little plumber with the impish sparkle in his baby blue eyes... well, it turns out that twinkle is actually a murderous glint. Mario can't stop punching the crap out of his innocent friend, Yoshi. Why would he punch Yoshi? To force the little lizard/dinosaur to shoot out his tongue in "surprise" to hit enemies. Holy crap. Mario is not the cute little plumber we thought him to be, no matter how adorable his little cap and culturally insensitive accent are.

What other secrets is he hiding? Is he stalking Princess Peach? All signs point to yes. He keeps showing up in castles, looking for Princess Peach, but does she want to be found? By this psychopathic lizard-puncher? I think not.

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Let's face it. Mario is some kind of psychotic mushroom-huffing maniac who goes around curb-stomping innocent Goombas and punching his "friends" to use them as murder weapons. His little home is probably filled with a variety of flags made out of human skin that has been Ed-Geined together. He takes those flags and hoists them above every castle that he's rampaged through, a grisly calling card of sorts. My god people. The Zodiac killer. We found him.

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