Oh, and millennials couldn't afford to drink, even if they wanted to. Business Insider has concluded that they're also killing the beer industry. Even wine sales have flatlined.

So millennials are obsessed with drinking, particularly high-quality alcohol, to the point where the industry is changing to accommodate them. But at the same time, they're not drinking as much as previous generations, because they can't afford it and they're all doing sober juice crawls wherein they butt-chug ginger shots, causing bars to spontaneously explode. They're drinking less beer, but record amounts of wine, but also wine consumption hasn't increased in the past year. Why can't they drink exactly the right amount?

Millennials are the new "helicopter parents," hovering over their children and providing exciting aerial footage of all their most precious police chases. According to Elite Daily, millennial parents will supervise all of their children's interactions, preventing them from developing a sense of creativity. And they'll fix any problem their child has, depriving them of the chance to fix it themselves. Millennials are smothering their children.

ABC News

Alternatively, if we check in with ABC, we find that millennials are too focused on "me time." Their parenting style is vastly different from the helicopter parents of previous generations. Their children lack structure and supervision because they're too busy Snapchatting their Instagrams. The article also weirdly states that "Millennial Moms are 21 percent less likely to send a thank-you note via postal mail." And why aren't these goddamn kids sending singing telegrams anymore?

But The Herald also claims that millennials are "work martyrs," the hardest-working people in the workforce. They refuse to take their allotted vacation time because they're too goddamn addicted to working. If only these job-stressed, lazy work martyrs could take a week off, they'd learn how a real adult handles their job -- by drinking schnapps in their car during lunch and writing about millennials twice a week.

And it doesn't stop with dining out. Millennials are also killing the motorcycle and diamond industries. CNBC hypothesizes that the slump in sales is due to millennials' tendency to value experiences over material goods, that they "seek out experiences, such as vacations and concerts, that they can post about on social media." Rest assured that it's not because they're broke and can't burn tens of thousands of dollars on a shiny rock and a loud bike; it's because they're narcissistic and need to brag about their trip to Argentina on social media. Also, no one's ever bragged about their diamond ring online, right guys?

Glenn Beck's rag The Blaze agrees, pining for the days when there was only one trophy, handed out to the winner, and those who came in third or lower were summarily executed.

The Federalist

The Federalist claims that millennials' lust for participation trophies has bled into the workplace. They say that millennials, especially women, want promotions the same way they want trophies: whether they earned them or not. If only they weren't babied so much at soccer games, maybe millennials would be better human beings. A competitive football game is what made the Greatest Generation great and the Baby Boomers boom, right?

Huffington Post

This HuffPo article starts with "Youth sports: a chance to run around, play sports with friends and have fun ... At least that's how it used to be." But now youth sports culture is so demanding and competitive that kids are emotionally and physically drained, with most dropping out by age 13.

Washington Post

The consequences run even deeper, though. Sports are so intense now that kids are getting injured like never before. That comes from The Washington Post, the same people who coined the term "Participation Trophy Generation."

Man, it's almost like these writers just hate the younger generation because they're trapped in old, failing bodies and growing increasingly irrelevant to society by the day. But that couldn't be it. That's too far-fetched. No, it is the avocado's fault, surely ...

David Klesh was born in 1980, but refuses to call himself a millennial. His writing has also appeared on the Faith Hope and Fiction blog. Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He fires off consistent A-tweets at @DanHopp. Adam Schwallie has a Twitter, where he tweets in between destroying all of the industries that Baby Boomers hold near and dear to their hearts.

You know what Millenials aren't killing? These dope Caribou Boots that you can use to continue to not kill industries with because that's an unfair characterization of a generation of fun-loving people.

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