And yet when Vader catches up and boards her ship at the beginning of Star Wars, Leia tries to pretend that she's on a "diplomatic mission." Again, Vader literally just watched her fly here from a fucking space battle. That's like taking a dump in the middle of a police station, then slowly walking backward out the front door without ever breaking eye contact with the chief of police. Leia may look ridiculous trying to pull that off, but Vader arguably looks even sillier for getting all flustered and even bothering to argue with her sad excuse of an excuse. It's almost like a deleted scene from Spaceballs.

At that point, Leia should have just claimed a womp rat ate the plans, or that she flushed them down the toilet. Anything is better than "Oh no, you must be looking for some other princess who recently came from that off-limits planet where a major theft occurred."

This is how Tony learns of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s plan to weaponize a powerful alien artifact ... while somehow missing an even bigger threat. In Captain America's second solo outing, The Winter Soldier, we learn that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been eaten from the inside by a bunch of neo-Nazis named HYDRA. Think if the CIA was secretly run by the staff of Breitbart. The HYDRA infiltration isn't a recent development, either; they've been pulling the levers for 70 freaking years, intentionally creating wars and world chaos like terrible Civilization players.

So, uh, how did Stark and J.A.R.V.I.S. miss something like that? They dug deep enough to discover that S.H.I.E.L.D. was already into building superweapons, but somehow they missed the gigantic helicarriers intended to kill millions of people? You know, the ones that are almost entirely finished just a few months later? Come on, the only thing that could grab Tony Stark's attention faster than "flying airplane carriers that can also murder anyone on Earth" would be some Aunt May nudes. Which are probably there too.

Marvel Studios"Who the hell's this chick? I wanted the old one."

And even if there wasn't a secret Nazi forum where HYDRA employees could complain about Jewish co-workers and share 4chan memes, surely there were some files that would raise suspicion. After all, the Winter Soldier has been assassinating people on behalf of HYDRA for decades -- including Tony's parents. The only reasonable explanation is that J.A.R.V.I.S. is himself a Nazi and was hoping HYDRA's special helicarrier project would eliminate the Avengers before he was found out. There's no way the next movie doesn't end with the Vision murdering everyone and saying "Hail HYDRA."

The entire concept of "The One" is just a tall tale. It was invented by the machines so the human resistance would seek out the randomly generated human with the ability to reboot the Matrix by entering the Source. Like your work computer that still runs on Windows XP, the Matrix needs to be periodically rebooted before it crashes and kills everyone. So the entire story so far has been a scam designed to lead Neo into the Source and serve his purpose as a global "restart" button.

But, as with every time a movie does a "THE VILLAIN PLANNED IT ALL ALONG!" plot twist, this doesn't make any sense. If the machines' one and only goal was to get Neo to the Source, why help him gain ass-kicking superpowers? He had the potential all along, but they gave him the motivation to turn him into a cross between Superman, Professor X, and Bruce Lee. Here's a better idea: Just shove his pre-hero ass into the Source, reboot, and spare us the 129 minutes of hamfisted Jesus imagery and sweaty cave orgies.

In the second film, however, the entire plot revolves around a completely different backstory: It turns out Miyagi is actually a native-born Japanese man who was forced to leave when he let his boner do the talking instead of his fists. He had upset his hometown by proposing marriage to an already-betrothed girl, and had to flee to America.

Except no Japanese people were allowed to immigrate to the United States after 1924. Even if Miyagi left in 1923, he would have to be incredibly young to be allowed to fight in World War II 20 years later. If he proposed when he was 18, that means he would have attended UCLA and joined the army when he was almost in his 40s, making him roughly a million years old in the 1980s. (Pat Morita was 52 on the first Karate Kid, incidentally.) So either the government made an exception, Miyagi proposed and ran away as a toddler ... or he's a big fat liar.

Columbia Pictures"... and so I used my earnings from the International Big Penis Competition to buy this house."

Miyagi doesn't speak very highly of his Medal of Honor, but that's probably because he bought the thing at a pawn shop. (How many of the 464 WWII recipients do you think ended up as anonymous maintenance workers?) He likely never fought in the army, and never stepped inside UCLA, except perhaps as a janitor. He must have come to America after the war and simply decided to lie about his past to avoid the whole "violent, widespread racism against Japanese people" thing. Then he kept going, ultimately even coming up with the perfect con: tricking young, bullied kids into waxing cars for him.

So not only can you totally make someone living in your own house the Secret Keeper, but it can be yourself. If this is allowed under the magical laws of this universe, why didn't the Potters just make themselves their own Secret Keepers? Hell, they could make each the other's Secret Keeper for double protection. Why put their lives in the hands of a man who looks like he absolutely owns a troll-themed sex dungeon?

Warner Bros."He seems legit."

Note that they could still inform friends of their location (if only so they could bring over toiletries), but those friends would be magically forbidden from mouthing off to anyone else. It's such an incredibly ridiculous oversight that it threatens to bring down the entire series. Literally nothing in the series would have happened if the Potters had just read the fine print on the Secret Keeper spell book they'd purchased on Magic Amazon.

Jordan Breeding also writes officially for Paste Magazine, unofficially on Twitter and his blog, and with a dirty, dirty spray can in various back alleys.

For more follow-up films that messed with the first, check out 5 Sequels That Ruined The Original Movie's Point and 5 Little-Known Sequels That Ruined Iconic Stories.

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